Tuesday 3 December 2013

Even though I do not like to say that I ‘selfharm’, I do need to admit that I hurt myself from time to time, and that it is a big relief every time I do so. I don’t do it very often, but it does happen.

The reason I do selfharm is that I need to express my anger in a way. When I am angry, I get the feeling I need to throw with things. I do not want to hurt anyone or break my stuff, so I do not throw with things. Instead, I hurt myself. In that way, nobody gets hurt and no items get broken. The only person who gets involved with my frustration or anger is me.

I do not care that I hurt myself to get rid of the anger, because I hate myself very much. I think I deserve this. I know I deserve it. I deserve to get this anger and frustration and to hurt myself because of that. I do not feel guilty when I selfharm. That’s because I feel like that is what belongs to me.

And believe it or not, I do NOT selfharm for attention. No one actually knows about my selfharming. I don’t even know if everyone would actually call it selfharm, since I do not really cut myself. I’d say it’s selfharm, and there are probably a lot of people around me who call it selfharm too, but I know there are lots of people who only count cutting in as selfharm.

I just wanted to say this. And as this is my personal blog, I feel like I can post it on here

Sunday 6 October 2013

Tired

Sorry to say this, but I am tired. I am so tired of everything. I am tired of how things are going right now. My head is exploding and I cannot do anything about it all. If this shit goes on for too long, I don't know what will happen next.

Tuesday 17 September 2013

I'm done

I could just leave now. There's nothing left to stay for.

Thursday 5 September 2013

Social work

Last year, I finished middle school and this year I am starting a study at the The Hague University. I am very excited about it. The study I have chosen to start is Social work. We call it SPH in Dutch. If you study SPH, you learn how to help people to rearrange things in their life, and it is mostly about a group of people with a certain mental illness or disability. The reason I want to do this study, is because I really like to help people when they are in trouble, and I am very interested in various types of mental illnesses, also because I do have experiences with mental illnesses myself. I think I can help people, because I have have experienced some illnesses myself, and because I will be a professional, who has medical knowledge about certain disabilities.

To start this study, the HHS (The Hague University) organised a introduction camp to get to know each other. We did several games and activities to get to know the other students, but also to get to know the teachers and about the subjects they teach us. Last Monday, I had to get up very early, because I had to catch the train to go all the way to Den Helder, which is in North Holland. When I arrived there, I went to Texel, where the camp was, by a ferryboat. I didn't want to be too late, so I made sure I was there a bit too early. I wasn't a bit too early. I was there one hour before other people came too. It was not problem, though, I was not completely on my own. When all the other students and some teachers had arrived, we went to the Stayokay hostel by bike. It was a nice ride, with the wind and the sun was shining and it smelled nice. First thing we did when we came there was gathering together with my classmates and we practised each others' names. Turned out that I was the youngest student in my class, and the oldest one is twenty five and already has a little daughter. Everyone thought I was cute.

Later on, we went outside to play games. The funny thing is that all the games had to do something with trust and teamwork, and I could see the connection between those games and the study we start with. That took us kind of the whole day. When we finished playing games, we went into our rooms and get ready for dinner. The food was good, I have to say. I totally expected to get disgusting fries or something, but I actually was pretty delicious. One thing I was not very happy about, was that the plates and knifes and forks were pretty dirty. Most of cutlery wasn't very clean and it had bits of old food attached to it. Oh well.

That evening we played a game called foxhound, and they made the game about different kind of mental illnesses and disabilities, which was very interesting and funny at the same time. We basically had to walk around town in the night and had to look for people who were dressed and acted like people with certain mental illnesses. Then we had to answer a question about that and we got a piece of the puzzle we had to make in the end. My class was the fourth one to go hunting, and we were the first one to come back. Unfortunately, we didn't have all the pieces, because there was some miscommunication going on, so we didn't win the game, but we had fun and it was interesting, and that is the important thing.

The next day we had to get out of bed around eight o'clock, which I think isn't very early at all. Again, we went to play games. There is a Dutch television show called I love Holland, where they play games and answer questions about the Netherlands. That is the game we played and it was fun. Obviously they made the game about things that have to do with my study, so it was very interesting and a bit fun to play too. And we didn't win this game, which I don't think is a problem.

After this games, we went to the beach with all those two hundred thirty five students, where we were told about the teachers and about the subject they will be going to teach us about. That was clever thing to do, because now I know some things about the subjects. When we got back in the Stayokay hostel, everyone had to make a short play about a certain type of people who could be looking for help with a SPHer. We had to do the prostitutes. I think our play was very good, and I hope more people thought so too.

That evening, all there was, was a party. Everyone had to put on clothes fitting in a certain theme, and it was nice to see that lots of people were dressed funny. I had a nice costume too.

The next, and last, day of the camp. We didn't do very much at all. We gathered around with our class and our counsellor told us things about the school and we got our timetable. And played a little game. And already did some homework kind of things with each other. My timetable is pretty good, for now. I don't have any lessons at Mondays, so I will have a longer weekend than I used to have, and I am very happy about that, because I really hate Mondays. On Tuesday, my first lesson starts at a quarter to nine, and my last one finishes at a quarter past four. On Wednesdays, I start at half past ten and go home at a quarter past five. Thursdays are okay too; from half past ten until a quarter past four. I really love my Fridays, though! I am finished with my lessons at twelve o'clock! That means I have a pretty long weekend!

Today and tomorrow, I don't have to go to school! Tuesday my new study and my new life will start! It does feel like that though, because I really hated middle school, and I hope things will be a bit better :)

I will write more about my life and about experiences with this new school, these new people from time till time!

Friday 23 August 2013

I really do not know how much longer I can take this bullshit before seriously injure myself sometime soon. For real.

Thursday 22 August 2013

Old

Hello there. It is me again. Let'a write a little bit of a quick update here.

Well, where to start... At first, I have been to Crete again! I have been there 17 days and they have been lovely. I really enjoyed it. I also made videos while I was there. These little videos am I going to edit all together so that it is one big vlog. I try to delete as many useless parts of the footage, because otherwise the video would be WAY too long for a vlog (45 minutes).

So, if you're interested in that, you gotta wait for the vlog to be uploaded! Of course, I will put a link to the vlog on this blog c:

In other news. I am in France right now. It probably sounds very spoiled, but i go on holiday twice. Once with my mum and the second time, I go with my dad. Usually to France or Italy or some sort of place. With my mum I always go to Crete. We have got many memories to that place. And luckily, my mum things about it the same way as I do.
The weather here is pretty nice. It is hot during the day and at night it feels like I am freezing. You're probably not interested in the weather forecast from la France. My holiday over here has been great so far. Went to the beach and I am reading my second book of the week: The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. What... Again? Yeah, I can hear you thinking. I have never read more than half way through the book. I don't remember why I stopped reading. I just did. Since reading is what I mostly do while on holiday, next to writing, I decided to give it another try. And it is working.

Sunday 28 July 2013

CRETE

Hello there.
I know, I know. Long time no see. I am so sorry. It has been a long time. There is no particular reason that I haven't written in a long time. I guess it's a combination of a few things. Since I have got vacation since the end of May, nothing special has happened, for example, on school. Simply because I do not go there anymore. I can tell you that I graduated! Yay! Happy me! For real, I am so happy I am finally DONE with that horrible place and that I no longer need to go there.
Second reason I do not write that often is; and again, I am sorry to begin about this again, it is because the thoughts and the compulsions and everything. Let's not go into detail about this topic. Let's say it makes simple things like just writing a blogpost very hard.
But because I didn't write for long, I now actually have something to talk about. I am on holiday, right now, as we speak. I am in Crete (or is it "on" Crete) with my mum, "stepdad" and my little sister. We arrived here four days ago. I made a video about the first three days and it is on YouTube, so if you want to see it, I will give you a link :)
One thing I can tell you is that there is a guy over here, I guess he's around 40 years old and he looks at girls all the time. He also looks at me. He follows me around and he is everywhere. That's not only with me. Also with a few other girls. We have one thing in common. We are all not much older than twenty. Dirty little creep, he is.
Tomorrow, we are going to rent a car and drive a little bit around the island. I have got a few mosquito bites already. My whole body is a bit itchy.
Haha! When my little sister and I were walking around town together in the evening, all those club owners tried to convince us to get inside their clubs. What they don't know is that I am "only" seventeen years old and that my little sister is only TWELVE. The age for legally drinking alcohol is eighteen over here. Apparently, we look old. That actually is something I rather enjoyed!
Oh; one last thing! Ouzo is very tasty and gets you tipsy very quickly. :)

Tuesday 23 July 2013

So, hi, everyone! If you're still around here... I am sorry for not posting for such a long time. I guess nothing special happened... Again. My life is pretty boring, as you see. Well, a few things happened, so that's why I am writing a new post right now.

The first thing is, I GRADUATED! I am very happy to be done, finally finished, DONE! OVER! :D I can't say more things about it, because it is just how it is, and yeah... I can't make it seem more interesting than it looks.

The other thing is, that I am in love with someone! :O I won't tell too much about that, though, because it could cause some big shit, and I really do not want that to happen!

And I am going on vacation today :) I will upload videos on a YouTube channel and on a Keek account, so if you want to follow me, you can by searching for beekmankim on Keek and for GeekyPeach on YouTube :) I will upload videos, but I do not know how often and stuff :)

Sunday 9 June 2013

χρονια πολλα

Yay! Happy birthday to me! :D 

Today I am 17 years old! 

Let's be happy today! 

Goodbye!

By the way, I am Dutch, I just know Greek. So I am not from Greece :) 

Saturday 8 June 2013

OCD Recovery

Gosh, I cannot stand it any longer. I can't handle this any more. The OCD... really, it's getting out of hand. It started with some little annoying things, but it became worse and worse over time. I am not even able to write this blog without having problems with it. Approximately, I am being affected by these instructive thoughts for over three hours a day, if not more. Going to sleep is a hell, getting out of bed isn't that big of a deal yet, but I don't know how long it will take for the OCD to make a problem out of that too. I have to be aware of what I'm saying, doing and even thinking all day long and it's making me go crazy! I really need to stop this now! And I know what I am going to try!

Some people say it's good to talk about your problems, right? Well, I am going to do that. On my blog. Only on my blog. Why only on my blog, you might want to ask? I can explain that. First of all, I am not going to tell my parents. And why not? Because I do not want to. I do not want to know my parents about this ridiculous I am going through. My situation is a bit weird and I do not feel like explaining it, but believe me, it would be hard to tell it in this situation. I once told my parents something that happened, and really didn't think it helped me. It only made things awkward and I really do not want that to happen again. I suffered from another disorder a while ago, and I also managed to overcome that without telling my parents. And yes, that problem was rather serious, so don't tell me it wasn't real, because it was real. If I was strong enough to get over that disorder, then why wouldn't I be able to solve this problem on my own too? Right.

I also cannot discuss this with my friends, because people somehow don't seem to take me seriously, because I do not want to tell my parents and get professional help for it. Well, I made it pretty clear now why that is, and still they think I am exaggerating this, even though I am clearly not. And it also isn't really helping that a lot people use OCD as something cool. Example: Look! I made my room nice and neat! Oh my God, I am so OCD! Shall I tell you something funny? Having OCD is not funny and it is not to be joked about, unless you have the permission to do so.

I will go to the library soon and get the book Getting Control from Lee Baer and I hope it will help me. It might help, it might not. If it doesn't help, I know something else I can try. I will be going to a new school next year, if I did a good job and pass my exams. Then I will be doing the study Social Work, where it is important to know yourself, so we will be getting a subject where we will kind of have our own therapies or something, so maybe that will be able to help me get rid of this OCD too.

What I actually wanted to tell with this blog is that I will be posting more OCD related posts on this blog and I hope it will help me!

Tuesday 4 June 2013

A look inside my mind

Good morning world! This is going to be a nice day! Let’s get out of bed!

Touch that door four times 
Walk out of your room 
Walk back in 
And out 
Walk downstairs
Touch wood 
Touch wood 
Touch wood 

Hmm, I'm hungry, I should go eat something.

Let’s make this a bit more complicated than it should be. 

Okay, act normal. Please!

One, two, three, four 
One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four 
One, two, three, four 

Okay, nope. I need to stop this?!

No, do it or your mum dies. And your grannies, your father, your sister and friends. They get sick, or a car hits them… Whatever you want. It’s your choice. 

I do not want that. I love them! Let’s continue this then…

One, two, three, four 
Knock, knock 
Touch wood, touch wood 

And repeat…

Friday 31 May 2013

Shaun T's Insanity Work Out

Summer is coming, my exams are over (I will write more about that later), so I've got lots of spare time, and today I found out about Shaun T's Insanity work out. It's a training program with a very hard schedule, but it works like CRAZY! You do this training one hour every day, and then rest one day. It differs from other trainers, because normally you rest more and then give all the power you have. In this training, it works exactly the other way around. You rest less and just go, go, go!

I started today, and made a before picture. Over 30 days, I will make a picture again to see the progress, and then at the end (after 60 days), I take the last picture. I'm very excited for this training! You see so many good results!

That's about all I write now! I am sorry that I don't write that often. There's just nothing happening here, so I don't know what I can write about.

All I can say is that this OCD is getting worse and worse. But that's not really something nice, so just let's forget about that, shall we? 

Wednesday 8 May 2013

Bored lol

Hi, I'm Raya very good friend of Kim :3 and poof poof meow so yeah hello internet :b uh yeah bye

Sunday 21 April 2013

Wednesday 3 April 2013

Training

Summer is coming, and we all know what that means, right? Yeah, you're right, we have to get in shape again to walk around in short trousers and bikinis. At least, I want to get in shape. Therefore I started exercising again. I started eating healthy again and my mother bought a think to train your belly with, which is very nice. I am more motivated to do sit-ups and somehow I can go on longer than when I do not use it. 

What my training means is that I do around 200 sit-ups every day with the thing and, like, three times a week I also do zumba with my mother (we've got a Wii at home and there's a game called Zumba Fitness and Zumba Fitness 2, which we play). I also eat healthy and I eat no candy. That should do it, right? 

I'm planning on keeping like a kind of diary where I will post my process every time something has changed. I will write down how much I weight (I'm not planning on losing weight, by the way) and how wide my waist is and if I like I can also post pictures of the process.

What I actually want to achieve is a muscled belly. Therefore I'm doing lots of sit-ups and other things to train my muscles in my belly. That's what I want to make pictures of! 

I don't know yet how often I will post about the progress I make, but I will probably post something once every two weeks! And if it's not on this blog, then I will post in on my Tumblr and will put a link to it on my blog! 

Sunday 31 March 2013

Refreshment

Since spring is supposed to be a warm and happy season, I decided to make some changes to my blog as you can see. I say supposed to be because it is spring, but there's no warmth or happiness yet, but I suppose that will come soon. The weather is always weird here in the Netherlands. The reason why I'm happy right now is the thought that everything can only get better from now on. Winter is over, spring is coming (it's only a bit late), I'm going to London, France and Crete this summer and after summer is over, my world is not falling apart again (like it does almost every winter), because I will go to my new school and start the study Social Work and I'm looking forward to that. Of course, winter will still suck, but it will suck less than it does now.

I'm looking forward to life after high school. I am planning on doing some great things as soon as the time is right. I am hoping to go out with friends more, really putting effort in my study, making lots of pictures and blog more often. I also hope I will read more often, be more careful for myself, buy nice clothes and all that kind of stuff. I don't know what I will achieve or how it will make me feel better, but for now, I feel like it will make me happy and that's enough.

But it's not warm and summerish yet, so I might do some preparations until the time is right :)

Friday 29 March 2013

Hey, remember me?

So I'm sorry for not writing for such a long time. I don't know why I didn't write, it is probably just because nothing really special was happening and I have been kinda busy with my exams the past month. Maybe it's not a good excuse, but I have no better one for you. Sorry about that.

So, previous week was the last exam week before my actual, like the real ones, the final ones, exams are starting. I'm pretty satisfied with the results uptil now. Haven't got below 7, but I still have to get four more grades before I can say that I did a good job this time. My exams are in May, and I'm nervous, yet excited for them. Nervous before, well, that's pretty obvious, isn't it? But I'm also a bit excited for them, because I can finally show how much I've learned the past years and how much perseverance and self-discipline I've got inside me. I'm also excited, because after these exams, I will finally go to a new school, to start my study Social Work. Can't express my feelings about that in words. Let's say I've got a very good feeling about it.

Furthermore, what has been happening to me? Not much, really. I've started excercising again this week to train my belly and my legs and it's going good so far. I've bought a new videogame and I'm enjoying it. There's nothing more I can think of to tell?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot! I'm going to London with my dad! He said that if I would get good grades on my exams, he would take me to London, because I enjoyed it so much when I went there with school. And since I'm getting great notes, he actually has to take me there. I'm very excited for that too!

But this is it for now. I will write another time, when I got more to tell and when I got more time to tell things. I'm a bit in a hurry at the moment. I just wanted to let you all know that I didn't die! I'm still alive! I didn't quit writing, there's just nothing important to write about!

Sunday 20 January 2013

Stressed out!

This week has been a very busy week. Actually, the past three weeks have been very busy for me. I had my exam week last week and I've been studying for that the last three weeks. I'm glad it is finally over (except for two tests that I still have to make next week), because I really hated this week, like really... hated... this week. Monday was okay. I had my German test and it went well. Tuesday sucked, to be honest. It was heavily snowing in our country (it still is) and my school decided to give us a day of because of the snow.

UNFORTUNATELY, they came up with that idea when I already was in school. They said that "they couldn't have known that it would snow". It is seriously the worst excuse I've heard this month, because the weather forecast announced it for more than a week before it happened.

Anyway, it is finally over and I finally feel relaxed. This month was just so exhausting.

I also bought a new computer, I probably have told you already about this. Unfortunately, it didn't work and I had to wait for a few days, and another few days, and more and more and more days. Until today, I'm still waiting for things that can fix my computer. Maybe tomorrow it will be fixed, but I don't think so. There's probably something that will ruin it again.

I'm sorry about the whining. Some good news! I'm going to dye my hair again (wow, shocker) and I'm also kind of getting a new haircut (without having my hair cut). This is what I'm going to try:


I've tried something already and it looks like it's going to work. I'm going to dye my hair the same colours as I got it dyed now, this Saturday. This week, I'll be washing my hair every day with warm water and normal shampoo to let my blue fade out. I hope it'll work out well C:

Also, I'm going to dye my hair pink with black under layer this summer. The girl in the picture is Leda, she's a famous Youtuber and she's such an inspiration for me, on the hair dying part. Also, she's a very good vlogger and I can really learn some things from her, before I start vlogging myself :)

Saturday 12 January 2013

It's unbelievable

It's unbelievable, it really is. Everything that CAN go wrong, GOES wrong. Everything. Really, everything. You won't believe me if I tell you every thing separately, so I don't. At some point I thought it would stop, you know, everything being ruined, but somehow, it's still going on. I wonder when it will stop. I'm not going to hope for anything, because that might be one of the reasons everything is ruined.

Who or whatever goes about all the fucking up things, please stop now, it's enough. I've learned the lesson. You hate me, I know now. You don't need to prove it any more. 

Oh, one footnote, it went wrong again.  

Thursday 3 January 2013

Hello 2013!

Since 2012 has come to an end, I think I should write a message to summarize everything that happened in this year that, somehow, is related to me. A lot of things happened this year, a lot things that also changed not only me, but also a lot people around me. Some people entered my life, some had to leave. It's a pity that you cannot take all the people with you into the new year, but that is just how life goes.

I remember that I started this year in not such a good way. I was very stressed that time of the year, because my relationship was nearing its end. I've been very worried about that since December 2011 and at the end of February, it, finally, was over. If I look back at it, I am actually very happy that it's over. He wasn't a good guy for me. He used to be, when he was younger, when he didn't blow, smoke, drank that much. I don't know how it happened, but he changed. He changed dramatically. We used to be good friends for a few months after we broke up, but we started to fight a lot, verbal, but also physically. He has kicked me a few time so hard that I fell on the ground and couldn't walk home properly any more. I know that sounds like I am exaggerating this, but I am not.
Around July, it really went wrong somewhere. I can't say anything without him being angry at me, because I say "dumb" or "stupid" things, or that all I say consist of whining and that I am annoying and that all my friends talk about me behind my back (unfortunately, this one seemed to be true). So, as you can see, this wasn't a very nice period of 2012.

What actually was a nice week in 2012 was the time I went to London with my school for five days. It was super and I enjoyed it very much! I was with some friends of mine and I slept on the same room with one of my best friends Nikki. I really loved being there. We went to some museums and the highlight of the week was the theatre show of the Woman in Black. I made a lot (good looking) pictures from my trip to London. I'm looking forward to going there again in May this year with my father. He promised me that if I would graduate with high notes, he would take me to London for a weekend!
If you're interested in my posts about London, check out my posts about SundayMonday, Tuesday and Wednesday and Thursday!

This year, I also went to Italy with my dad and the family and I went to Crete again with my mum and the family. I really enjoyed Italy, even though I only went there for one week. The beach was great (apart from the huge amount of wind blowing there) and I even went into the sea (!) one time, practically because my dad pull me in.
The holiday in Crete was was great as well, as usual. There's not much to say about it, despite the fact that the restaurant where we always went (and still go) to eat wasn't the same any more. The crisis seems to hit them hard and I think it's a pity that Jiannis, the owner wasn't around as much as he used to. Hopefully, the restaurant will still be there this year, because there's a good chance that it will declared bankrupt. Let's just hope it won't.

I also started my new and FINAL year on high school and I cannot wait for it any longer to end. If I continue working and studying like this, I could pass my finals with good notes (London, here I come again :D) and I will finally be able to leave this horrible school and finally start doing things that I like and going where my heart tells me.

These are the highlights from 2012. I think I can do better in 2013 and therefore I made list of resolutions of 2013. I wanted to make fifty of them, but I only got to twenty-three yet. These are them:

  1. Getting good grades at school and graduate with great notes
  2. Going to London with my dad, making lots of pictures there
  3. Start my new education
  4. Do more blogging (once a week at least)
  5. Dye my hair turquoise with blue dip dye
  6. Let my hair grow
  7. More nightlife (at least once every two months)
  8. No smoking or binge drinking
  9. Eat space cake with friends
  10. Buy a new computer
  11. Start a YouTube account with Raya and start making vlogs and gaming videos
  12. No further contact with Mike, only if necessary
  13. Eat healthy, exercise, etc (like yoga at home and stretching excercises)
  14. Playing more vidya
  15. Less publicly whining
  16. Do more English (blogging, reading, talking, videos, tweeting)
  17. Don’t do anything that I will regret later
  18. Don’t regret anything that once made me smile
  19. Start saving up money for my driving license lessons
  20. Don’t do things that people want from me that I do not agree with
  21. Think more positively
  22. Laugh more
  23. Finish my Greek course
I started working on this list already, as of now, I'm blogging, yeah! I studied today, I didn't get a new haircut today, I went out last night (!) and I made a YouTube account in preparation for the gaming project. 

Tonight I'm going out with family to see a film. It is a really good film, I heard. It's a Dutch film, so that ensures an evening full of laughter (that's also on my list!). I got no more plans for this week, except for studying a lot!