Hey there! Guess who is back? Yup, it's me again. Normally I rarely post new blog posts, like one a month, and now I write two of them in one night (not on the same day though, it is already a quarter to two in the Netherlands). But why am I writing this, you might asks?

Well, first of all, I went to a party of a friend of mine tonight which was great (obviously, because parties with my friends are always great) even though I didn't want to go at first. I really didn't feel good enough to go and I thought people didn't even want me to come either. But that wasn't true actually. And that is what I want to write about (people are using fireworks nearby and it is scaring me) right now.

I really need to stop being so insecure and I really should do something about the fact that I hate myself. I am not that bad actually. But I just feel really bad about myself. Look, the problem I'm dealing with right now is that there isn't really a problem. Yeah, that's right. There is no problem. Then why do I still feel so bad most of the time? I think I'm not going to find the answer to this question real soon. Not now, I'm sure of that.
The problem is that I feel bad very often. But then again, when I think about it, I do not have 'the right' to feel bad, because there's nothing wrong with me right now. No shit is happening to me. Then I feel even worse because I feel like I should not make such a big deal about it. Then I feel even worse for feeling worse because feeling bad for no reason and that goes on and on and on and on. It's like a circle. Then I tweet about it (or post something about it on tumblr) and feel like an attention seeker. It's a bit complicated.
But the thing is, because I'm feeling like this and I tweet about it, I'm afraid people will become tired of me and stop talking to me. This kind of already happened to me, twice now. That is one of the last things I want to happen. So I'm trying to change. I want to solve this problem. I want to know why I randomly feel so bad (about myself) so that I can do something about it. But that's a hard tasks I think.

Alright, one thing I can do at least is starting to do yoga. A friend sent me a link to a website where they offer a good yoga program and I really should try it out. The other thing I can do is, whenever I feel sort of good about myself, I have to write down why and make a list with good things about myself. And the last thing I should do more often is going out with friends, especially with Susan, because going out just makes me feel good and then I see that there are people put there who care about me and that I should not be afraid that people talk about me behind my back.

Yeah, so, that's something I've wanted to write for a while now, but because I'm tipsy I can actually be honest with you and with myself. So, sleeping now would be a good idea! Good night!

Ps. Note to self: dammit, blog more often. I see how good it works!

Change

Things are about to change, and with things, I mean me. I have to change. And everyone will probably tell me to be myself and all that kind of thing, but I'm just going to be a better version of myself. I have to stop giving my opinion in public. On Twitter, for instance, I can't tell anything with my opinion involved or hell breaks loose. I also have to stop being honest about how I feel, because I felt not so good for a few weeks now, and I don't have the right to feel like this, so I have to stop feeling this and just act happy because that's how I'm supposed to feel.

Why? Because friends are leaving me because of my ridiculous behaviour and I do not want to let that happen. So, how am I going to do it? I don't know yet. I can just stop acting like a whinny bitch right now. I also made a new, personal Tumblr blog where I only post my thought, feelings and opinions, so there's at least one place where I can say anything I want without being afraid of hurting people. I should also do things like yoga, because that might help me finding rest.

So, that's all. I should blog more often.