What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

A few days ago, I found out that people still don't believe me, think I am an attention seeker or whatever kind of negative thought there are going around about me, but I found out that these negativity around me still exist on Twitter with some "friends". And last week, I decided that I was so fucking done with it. If people do not believe me on my words, without prove, I don't want you in my life anymore. So, I quit Twitter. I don't know yet for how long, but at least for now, because people obviously don't care about me. If you need prove in order to believe a friend? No, then you are obviously not a friend. If those people really care about me, they'll notice me being gone and they will talk to me directly, through WhatsApp, Skype of text or even call me. Only two people has done that thus far (which aren't people that are very active on Twitter), so I guess that already is a statement made here.

I think we all know what I am talking about here. About the intrusive thoughts, that people I am faking. Yeah right! Because it's funny to make yourself so scared of dying, or to make myself think that my mum, dad, sister, best friend, grandpa, grandma will get cancer and die or get hit by a car, if I do not touch this four times (times four, times four, times four, etc). Or to hurt yourself an certain amount of times just to be sure I didn't just cause a tumor growing inside my head? Really funny.

Also, I am obviously faking it, because I try so freaking hard not to act on my thoughts when there are other people around and making up excuses when people asks why I am putting down my glas eight times in a row. If I would be faking it, I think I would definitely use some different approaches, but it seems that no one has thought of that yet.

These "friends" need a prove, a diagnosis from a psychologist before they believe that I repeat every word that I read, say or write four times or until it is right, in order to prevent people from dying, to prevent them from dying. They need a diagnosis before they believe that I cannot simply can get out of bed in the morning, because I need to do certain things in a certain way a certain amount of times before I can even get out of bed to do even more rituals.

Listen to me when I say that everything I do, costs me at least twice as much time, because of these thought. Why would anyone want to fake such a thing? I never claimed to be diagnosed or something like that. I just know that these thoughts, these feelings, these actions aren't right. They aren't normal. Don't you all think I talked about this with hundred of people, googled shit tons, read books, websites, blogs, stories, before I even thought about the disorder OCD? It's not like I looked through a book with disorders and picked this one and thought Hey, this one seems funny! Let's become like this from now on!

Remember that this is already going on for three years? I was experiencing this for like one year and a half before I even talked about it to someone. Why would I do that, huh? But it learned me something: that no one can be trusted. Everyone will talk about you behind your back somewhere in time. No one will actually take you seriously. They don't care, until you have prove. There are two people, two friends, who seem to believe me. Well, if that's all I got, I don't need anyone at all. I beat an eating disorder on my own before (oh, I also faked that one too :-) starved myself to death until I weighed only 38 kilos just for fun!), so I can do this on my own too. I don't even need these people anymore. I don't even want their recognition anymore.

From now on, I, again, suffer in silence. Let's live by the motto What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! If I can fight this, if I am strong enough, I will beat this. Then I will survive. If I can't do it any longer, I'll just put an end to it all. And yeah, I am going to do it my way. Period.

Update

Let's write a quick update here....

There's something I decided. I stopped using twitter, at least for now. There's no point using it. I keep on annoying people with either my opinions or with my whining about personal problems, which people not seem to care about. These 'fake friends' I got (and obviously I do not mean all my friends) like to make fun of me when I rage or when I feel anxious, and when I am serious about something, they like to laugh at me in my face.

I am so done with that. I am sick of it. That's why I stopped using Twitter. And I will not be bothered about missing social events by not using Twitter. That's because I only want to be invited to parties or something when people actually like my presents, not only to just fill up space. And if they really like me being on their party for who I am, they will message me or give me a call. If I do not receive any messages any more, then at least I know where I stand. 

That's all. 

Late night thoughts #1

There's a thing I think I need to do, and I hope it will help me. The plan is that I am just going to write down my thoughts and concerns, the intrusive thoughts I have. I also write down what the compulsions I do, or want to do. The purpose is to help me prevent actually doing the compulsions and rituals that come with the intrusive thoughts.

So, you can expect such tiny posts soon :)