First schoolday!

First of all, I am sorry for not writing for such a long time. I just could not get myself actually doing it. I attempted to write several times, but I didn't work out, and now I am finally in the right mood to write something for my blog.

As you may have guessed, today was my first school day since holiday, and I really really looked up to this day. I have been to school yesterday, but today was the real first day with lessons and thinking and homework and stress and that kind of things. But actually, it wasn't too bad. I thought it would be worse than it actually was. Today was a long day, but it was okay!

I am very nervous for this year, because this year is my last year in middle school, and that means I have my exams this year. I am really afraid I won't make the grade, and that I have to do this whole year ALL over again, but I hope I will just manage to succeed and we will see.
Because I am actually looking forward to what is coming after this year. I have been thinking about life and what I would like to do later, as a job, and I am now for 99 percent sure I want to become a psychologist. I heard someone saying that I have to go to the university for that, but I think there are others ways to become a psychologist. I don't feel like going to another school for six years, and that is approximately how long university takes.
But I think that I almost know for sure that I want to be a psychologist later. And why? I don't really know. I think it is a n interesting job. I have had some issues/disorders myself and I know how it is to have it, so maybe that is why I want to help other people. Hopefully it is possible to help people with all different kinds of diseases. I would like to help people with eating disorders, depressions, OCD, borderline and many more. I think it is possible to chase this dream!

That will be my motivation for this upcoming, last, year. It is the last year of this school where I learn things I am never going to use ever again, it will only last for nine months, instead of a whole year, and if I get my diploma, I will be able to start on my way to a psychologist!

Also there is a nice thing I would like to tell! I am eligible for a certificate. Only those people who never repeated a year, and have a seven or higher are eligible. There were a total of only twelve people who qualify for it, and I was one of them. I felt proud. I do not know exactly what it all means, but it is actually a kind of reward for the good work that I deliver in school. They always have everything for people who do not understand subjects such as tutoring and homework assistance, but for people who do well, they actually don't have anything. Also, it almost goes without saying that I get high marks, according to some teachers, and therefore I am less rewarded. Actually, it's so unfair. And this is why they invented this. This all sounds a bit vague, but I'll explain it better when I also understand what it means. But we will do fun things with this group!

Road trip!

Hello! I'm back again to write a blogpost about yesterday. I said before we went on this holiday that I would like it if we could hire a car and just go somewhere. I didn't want to lay down and tan and swim and eat the whole holiday. So we hired a car and went on a trip by the car. At first we wanted to hire a Jeep  because it has no roof and it seemed to be a cool idea, but my stepfather was too big to sit comfortable in this car, so we had to get something else. The rent-a-car guy said he had something better for us: a Audi A3 Cabrio. And oh my God, that car was awesome. I have a picture of it and I am going to try to upload it!

The first thing we visited was our friend Jiannis. He has his house somewhere near Chersonissos, and he also has a supermarket with a cafe connected to his house. We have been there a few years ago to have a look around when they were still building all this. I was quite young when we did this, so I could only remember a little part of the cafe bar. When we arrived at his house, he actually was still asleep. He had been fishing the night before and he got home very late. We found his wife in the supermarket next door and asked her to wake him up. We talked a bit about what we going to do that day and Jiannis told us to go to the biggest biggest and most variable aquarium of whole South-Europe.

We decided to go there, because we wanted it to be a spontaneous trip, and we didn't think, or hear, about this before. I enjoyed it. I saw many sorts of fish I had never seen in my life ever before. I also saw two very big sharks, you know, the ones that are approximately two meters long, are grey and white coloured and have those sharp teeth. Here is a picture of it.

We also saw the famous clown fish Nemo and his friend Dori! There were many beautiful fishes, so many colours on one fish...

After we had seen all the fishes, we got onto our awesome car again and drove to Agios Nikolaos. It is the city with the famous never-ending lake! It turned out to be no deeper than 64 meters or so, but it is not so wide, so that is still quite impressive, isn't it? We took a picture of us with the lake. I remember looking at this lake from a different point of few somewhere upstairs when I was younger. It is awesome to be here so many years later and still remembering how it looks like. Again we sat down at a little restaurant, at the lake, and drank some drinks and we ate a pizza here as well, because we had not eating anything at all, except for the breakfast.

Here is a picture of us with the famous lake behind us.

Also something we wanted to go to during this trip was an old, non-touristic villages, where the old Cretain people live and play backgammon at the corner of every street. We tried and took every 'weird' road we saw, but nothing really let us to somewhere like this. We saw some roads what probably could let us to a little village like that, but we didn't want to take the risk not being able to get out any more  The roads here are quite straight and badly paved. We even almost fell into one of these roads, because the reverse mode of our car kind of got stuck.

Then we went to Sisi, another city near Chersonissos. We tried to go to this place before we went to Agios Nikolaos, but we kind of got lost and didn't know how to get off the road. But finally we got there, and it was nice. Near to Sisi was a way to a little village in the mountains and we went there, parked our car somewhere, and walked in the little and narrow streets of this village looking for a cafe to drink. We also took some pictures and looked a bit around. And then... we actually got lost. We could not find the cafe where we wanted to drink any more, and sat down somewhere else. But we didn't know where we were, and so we kind of lost our car. We walked into the wrong direction, but eventually found it back somehow :D

And while walking back to our car, we bumped into a reeeaaaallllyyy nice guy. He talked to us. He thought I was English when he heard me talking, but he was wrong. He looked at me all the time when we were talking, and when he walked away from us, he was still looking at me, and I think he likes/liked me. He is from Albania, and I will probably never see him again!

When we found our car back, I sat in it and acted like I was driving the car. I think driving in a car really isn't a difficult thing to do, and I am looking forward to when I am old enough to take driving lessons :)
It is two o'clock here, and so I think it is late enough to publish this blogpost, because I have pretty much told every thing!

Confusing thoughts

It is really hard to be yourself if you do not know who you exaclty are. This is something I have been thinking about much lately. I do not know who I am and who I want myself to be. Sometimes I want to be around people otherwise I feel lonely, but it happens very often that when I finally are with other people, I want to be alone, because I feel like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel so happy with how my life is right now, I got friends, I got a sweet family, and this is the last year of middle school... but at the same time I am scared. I am scared that my friends have forgotten about me, that they don't like me at all, but are friendly to me because they feel sorry for me. Maybe I am just 'that weird kid' that thinks she has friends and she is all cool, but actually everyone laughs at me behind my back. I can be really secure about myself at moments I am happy. At such moments I do not think people hate me, that they laugh at me when I don't see it, but only one tiny thing has to happen and I get heavy mood swings. People probably hate me because I am weird, they think I am fat and I act superciliously.

And actually, I am not always myself at school. I am confused, because I always tell myself to be myself. And if people don't like me, it is not my problem. There are plenty of people just like me who will like me and care about me. Sure, there are some friends I know they won't lie to me about how they think of me, but that are only three people. It is not like I don't trust other people, (I actually do not trust many people, they have to 'prove' themselfs, kind of) but I do not always trust my own feelings.

I actually don't really mind going back to school in two weeks and a few days. But still, I am scared that people have changed during these seven weeks. I haven't seen any of my friends since six weeks, and I rarely spoke to them. There is one of my best friends, and he has changed so much, and he is still changing. I really don't like it how I feel like I lost him. I still like him, but his personallity has changed and he does things I do not feel confortable with. I still love him though, and I care so much about him and I try to accept how he is, and how he wants to be, but I am also worried. But he probably thinks that it is nonsense and that I shouldn't worry about him at all. But I see how he is falling down and it is starting to freak me out and I feel sorry for him.

What if they have all changed? What if I've changed? I don't want to be alone again. I am also scared for this winter. What will happen this winter? I know what will happen. I am someone who loves the summer and I really can't stand the winter. I always get those 'Winter Blues' and I think it might get out of hand this year. This will be the first winter without my eating disorder, and I am scared that it might come back for a little bit because I get so depressed during the winter. I got back on the website "Proud2bme" and I hope they will help me during the winter, if my eating disorder comes back, and if it doesn't, they will help me with my Winter Blues.

I am just so confused. I am thinking about eating, not eating, losing weight, being fat and all that kind of stuff again. Not in a 'sick' way, but I am thinking about it. Maybe it is just a period in this year. It is summer right now and I am in my bikini all the time. It makes me insecure about how I look. I am constantely comparing myself to other girls and that makes me sad. I should probably get to sleep now, because I am getting a bit tired.

Right now I am sitting on our balcony and it is so extremely hot. I think it might be 35 degrees celsius, if not more. I read my latest posts, and I find them a bit confusing. I'm trying to improve a bit on writing things down, because I like it when I write down my thoughts clearly and I can still understand what I meant by it years/months later. I remember how blogging used to help me understand myself and others around me by re-reading things and being able to think about it some more. It felt like having a conversation with myself. Sometimes I wrote my posts when I was angry or heavily upset. When I re-read them later I sometimes even laugh at my own thoughts because they look so childish or delusional.

I moved back inside because it is just too hot on the balcony. I probably loose my attention really quickly now. I don't want that to happen, but I cannot do anything about it. I think that is because I am not taking my medication (I have adhd), I only need it for school, says my mum, so since it is vacation I don't need it.

I actually forgot what I wanted to write about. Let me just tell about what I did today. I'm am, as you may know, in Crete and today we went to an aquapark; Aqua Plus. There were many glides, obviously. I am afraid of heights, but I still went off all the glides, except for one. It was really fun, and my hair was really weird (I tried to keep it dry, I was afraid that my hair would turn out to be purple at the end if the day due to the water. But that didn't happen, luckily)

Totally off topic. I am back on proud2bme for a few weeks now. Not because I have problems with reading again, but just because I missed those people and I want to help them. Hopefully it won't affect me, but if it will, I don't know what I will do. I missed proud so much, and I don't want to leave it again. But I might get into trouble if I will stay. Since I stopped doing 'it', I actually totally forgot about, but since I'm back there, and I've read a book about it, I feel how lucky I am that I won this fight, but I also feel bad for my friends. They are still in trouble. I hope I make some new friend on there, because most of them have left.

There is still one girl I want to talk to and apologize to, because she always was there for me and I kind of said I would stop eating until I died (I am still very embarrassed by that message) and there seems to be no way to contact her and I feel bad.

I stop writing now, because there is something on the Telly I want to watch and there is no concentration left. I'm sorry.

Where you at?!

Today it is the second day we eat here in Crete. And just like yesterday we eat at Jiannis, our friend. When we arrived here late at night the day before, the restaurant was still open, but Jiannis himself wasn't there. No big deal, because it was around half past one and I didn't expect him to be there at this time. Yesterday when we ate here, he wasn't there, which I thought was a huge disappointment (OH THERE HE IS! OH MY GOD, SO HAPPY. I'm going to continue this post like I planned to.) So like I said, I wss really disappointed. Maybe he would come later. But he didn't. one waiter said that he had some things to do.
I expected him to be here today, and when we arrived, he wasn't there. 

But just as I was typing this, my stepfather saw him getting out of his car. I was happy and I enjoyed my evening. We are back in the Howell and are going out for a walk now!

We arrived!

We just arrived on Crete a few minutes ago. The flight was great. It only took three hours and eleven minutes, instead of three and a half hours! So that was quite relaxing. Right now we are waiting until we can get our suitcases. I read through half of my first book during the flight already. I have got thirteen books with me, so I suppose I'm fine.
When the plane set foot (wheels?) on the island, I actually got a bit emotional. It felt like home. It was like I had returned back hope after I had been in a foreign county for almost a year. Isn't that a bit weird? Maybe you can now understand why I was so excited to go here again.

Right now we are in the bus that will drive us towards our hotel. My battery is running low, so I don't know how long I'll be able to write, but as soon as I'm in the hotel (Heronissos) I will look for a way to charge my phone! This ride will take about half an hour.

If it is not too late, we are going to Jiannis, the restaurant we always went to when I were younger. But for bow, I'm saving up my battery so I can publish this post when I have wifi!

Crete

We've packed almost everything. Our suitcases are downstairs, and the cameras and phones are fully charged. We are going to Crete tonight! FINALLY! I've waited for this moment to come for such a long time. Crete is like the only thing that makes me truly happy. I think because in Crete I've always been happy. Even when I was young I was, just like now, sad or stressed most of the time. I don't know if that is normal for a child, but I remember that in Crete, I could be finally be really happy. That is why I am so excited to go there. I have so many good memories from there. I can't describe. And now we are finally going there.

We are leaving in less than an hour so I am checking the last things right now before leaving. I will have wifi connection in Chersonissos, so I will keep you up to date!

Here is a picture of our hotel

I couldn't find a map, but I will make enough photos when I'm there and blog about them! I'm sorry if I won't blog too much, because I never now how things will be eventually! But I will try to update you as often as I feel like! 

I am sorry that this is such a messy post, but I will make it up to you later!