A lot of tousled talking

Today, I spent my time to do some studying. Within two weeks my exam week will start again. It will be the second exam week this year and there will be only one left before my real finals begin. It's going good so far. Everything is going according to my plans and if I will be able to continue this way, my exams shouldn't be so hard *knock knock* (I don't want to jinx it).

I'm feeling a lot better than I did a few weeks ago. School is still as terrible as it was before, but I can carry on by thinking about what will happen after I leave middle school. I will be going to the HHS (The Hague University) where I will study Social work in education and I'm so freaking excited for it! All this middle school shit, I'm just so done with it. All the people, all the teachers, the lessons and all the stupid happenings my school 'tries' to organise... Nope... I don't see myself being there for another year. Of course, I have got friends on this school. My best friends even. But there have happened things there, and I've met people there I do not want to be reminded of any longer. My dad always tells me that middle school should be the best time of my life. Maybe for him it was, I believe that he has had a nice time during middle school, but I haven't, and neither has my mum.

With thinking about going to The Hague University and can carry on for this last few months on my school. After that, I will finally be doing what I want to do. I won't be going to school with this horrible stomach ache anymore. The only thing I thing is a pity is that there are probably a lot friend I won't be seeing anymore. I know some friends who I will, probably, stay in contact with, but there are a lot who I don't see contacting me. We will all be going our own ways, live our own lives.

Oh, one thing I want to tell is that I asked the book The perks of being a Wallflower for Christmas this year, and my dad, uh, I mean, Santa, gave it to me. I'm so happy with it, because the book turns out the be even better than I imagined it to be! I can't stop reading as soon as I start, except when I fall asleep.

The other thing I did today, besides all the learning, was making a little video for on Youtube. I wanted to make my own Hair Time line, so I gathered some pictures from the past two years and put them all together in one video. I want to show you the video here!

This also made me think about something. I actually want to start making vlogs on Youtube or something, in English of course, because I want to train my speaking abilities and I want to improve my English accent. It sounds good in a way when I hear myself talking, but when I try to record it, I kind of have a total blackout and I sound so weird. I do not want to upload those videos on Youtube and make them public. I just want to keep them to myself. 

I do not know what I want to talk about yet and when I want to start doing this, but the idea is there. The only thing that I have to find is the courage and time.

Blue/purple hair!

Today, I feel like writing again, and this time, I'm going to write about my hair! Why? Because I dyed it again! I've probably told before that I dyed my hair blue with purple bangs, but it washed out and now I wanted to dye it again. I decided to bleach it first, so that my hair would all have the same colour and I had to get rid of the brown hair. The bleaching went very good! I'll post some pictures from the process!

My hair before we started the bleaching

And this is how it looked after the bleaching. It was very blonde and some spots were even white, without using a white toner! The part of my hair that was blue, turned out to be a greenish mermaid colour! I actually loved this shade :)

Now some pictures from when the dye was in!

In this picture, I'm bleaching my hair. And I almost forgot how terribly that itches!

And on these pictures you can see how blonde my hair turned out to be after the bleaching. Some parts of my hair even seemed to be white. I really love the first picture, where you can see my blonde hair plus the part where the blue was already in. 

And now! Last but not least, some pictures of the result! 

I'm so happy with how it turned out! For people who are interested, I used Directions hair dye: Atlantic Blue and Violet in the bangs. Unfortunately, it's not really possible to show the real colour on the pictures. The blue hair is somewhat darker and the purple hair is way more purple in real life! You can see the difference way better in real life. But still, I'm in love with these pictures. My hair looks so nice!

I'm sorry for a post full of pictures, but for now, I don't really have something interesting to say. Probably after Christmas, I shall write a new blogpost that is interesting to read :)

And for now, I wish all my followers a merry Christmas and a happy new year!

I'm done

I'm so fucking done. I swear. I'm so fucking done with how my life is right now. Call me a whiny bitch, fine! I don't fucking care. Think whatever you want. But believe me, as soon as I get the oppertunity, I'll be gone!

And I'll be gone forever.

It has again been proved that I can't trust anyone

Every time I think I should give someone a change, because I think they can be trusted, they prove me wrong. It happens every damn time. Every time I think someone is trustworthy, they show me that I should not have been such a fool. People are trustworthy, no one is. Not your friend, not your best friend... not even your own family.

I guess they didn't meant to betray my trust in them, but they sure did it, again. But it becomes harder and harder every time to trust someone.

I'm not even sure if it's safe to post this message.

Hey there! Guess who is back? Yup, it's me again. Normally I rarely post new blog posts, like one a month, and now I write two of them in one night (not on the same day though, it is already a quarter to two in the Netherlands). But why am I writing this, you might asks?

Well, first of all, I went to a party of a friend of mine tonight which was great (obviously, because parties with my friends are always great) even though I didn't want to go at first. I really didn't feel good enough to go and I thought people didn't even want me to come either. But that wasn't true actually. And that is what I want to write about (people are using fireworks nearby and it is scaring me) right now.

I really need to stop being so insecure and I really should do something about the fact that I hate myself. I am not that bad actually. But I just feel really bad about myself. Look, the problem I'm dealing with right now is that there isn't really a problem. Yeah, that's right. There is no problem. Then why do I still feel so bad most of the time? I think I'm not going to find the answer to this question real soon. Not now, I'm sure of that.
The problem is that I feel bad very often. But then again, when I think about it, I do not have 'the right' to feel bad, because there's nothing wrong with me right now. No shit is happening to me. Then I feel even worse because I feel like I should not make such a big deal about it. Then I feel even worse for feeling worse because feeling bad for no reason and that goes on and on and on and on. It's like a circle. Then I tweet about it (or post something about it on tumblr) and feel like an attention seeker. It's a bit complicated.
But the thing is, because I'm feeling like this and I tweet about it, I'm afraid people will become tired of me and stop talking to me. This kind of already happened to me, twice now. That is one of the last things I want to happen. So I'm trying to change. I want to solve this problem. I want to know why I randomly feel so bad (about myself) so that I can do something about it. But that's a hard tasks I think.

Alright, one thing I can do at least is starting to do yoga. A friend sent me a link to a website where they offer a good yoga program and I really should try it out. The other thing I can do is, whenever I feel sort of good about myself, I have to write down why and make a list with good things about myself. And the last thing I should do more often is going out with friends, especially with Susan, because going out just makes me feel good and then I see that there are people put there who care about me and that I should not be afraid that people talk about me behind my back.

Yeah, so, that's something I've wanted to write for a while now, but because I'm tipsy I can actually be honest with you and with myself. So, sleeping now would be a good idea! Good night!

Ps. Note to self: dammit, blog more often. I see how good it works!

Change

Things are about to change, and with things, I mean me. I have to change. And everyone will probably tell me to be myself and all that kind of thing, but I'm just going to be a better version of myself. I have to stop giving my opinion in public. On Twitter, for instance, I can't tell anything with my opinion involved or hell breaks loose. I also have to stop being honest about how I feel, because I felt not so good for a few weeks now, and I don't have the right to feel like this, so I have to stop feeling this and just act happy because that's how I'm supposed to feel.

Why? Because friends are leaving me because of my ridiculous behaviour and I do not want to let that happen. So, how am I going to do it? I don't know yet. I can just stop acting like a whinny bitch right now. I also made a new, personal Tumblr blog where I only post my thought, feelings and opinions, so there's at least one place where I can say anything I want without being afraid of hurting people. I should also do things like yoga, because that might help me finding rest.

So, that's all. I should blog more often.

I'm sorry for being gone for such a long time, but I really didn't feel like blogging. And I still don't feel like it. I just can't make myself sit and write. I don't even try. This post is just to let you know I'm not quitting blogging or something. And maybe it's time for a little update.

Well, what can I say? This week has been very weird. It's not good, it's the worst actually, except for Wednesday. Monday was a long day on school. I had to stay one hour longer to work on some project that's very important to the fact if I will pass my final exams. It wasn't very enjoying, except that I was with one of my friends and I really like doing stuff with her, so that softened it a big. Tuesday really just sucked. I went to a building where I got to listen to presentations about the climate change and what it has to do with Europe and how I can stop it. I listened to, I think, six presentations all telling the same boring shit. I got home around a quarter to five.
Wednesday was pretty cool because I took a day off, I didn't go to school. Instead I went to Leiden; the city where I was born and where I lived until I was ten years old. October 3th is always a very special day in Leiden. It has to do with the history of the city, which I'm not going to explain. But it was awesome! I really felt great when I was there. Just because of the fact that I was there. I moved house almost seven years ago and I wanted to go back since I got here. I don't feel like this is my home. I want to move back to Leiden. So I felt great while being there. I did many things I enjoyed and I ate hodgepodge (I didn't know the word in English and this is what Google Translate told me). I eventually went home and I really enjoyed the day. I hope that I will go to Leiden more often, because I feel like I'm living abroad, while I didn't want to leave my own country.
That evening, when I lie in bed, I kind of caused a fight on Twitter, where one boy particularly was using the situation to seek for attention by overly tweeting that he was going to hurt himself, and how he did it, and after a few minutes he even said that 'that didn't hurt enough' and he was asking us for something that was more hurtful. Really? Like, really really? He was just acting like he's a selfharmer, using that to seek for attention, because I know that guy and he doesn't. He just tells a lot of stories about his mental condition, and they are all lies. Saying he used antidepressants, without going to a psychologist and that kind of things. There is probably something wrong with him, but he's just labelling himself with all kinds of mental disorders, and I can't stand that.
Yesterday also pretty much sucked, because I went to school from 8.30 until 14.30 and then right after that went to the Hague with school and did a workshop, which was boring. It started at 16.00 and we weren't  finished around half past past five. Then we went to a Italian restaurant to eat with all the kids, and I enjoyed it, but after it we went back to the theatre to see a kind of musical (but it was High Art, not like a normal musical). My mother was also allowed to come, but school told us the wrong address. My mum eventually couldn't come, because simply she didn't know where to go. I felt awful the whole play and it was weird and I really didn't like it. Then when my mum came to pick me up, my teacher started talking to my mother, she didn't appologize for what happened, and when my mum became angry, my teacher basically told it was my fault.

Well, you can understand why I'm angry.

I'm sorry for this whinny post. A better update will come later.

Crazy hair!

I was thinking about a new way to colour my hair, as soon as the blue dye is empty. And I got a good idea now! I thought about something yesterday evening, but I eventually changed my mind and I now know something and it's pretty cool. I saw this on the internet. I made a picture of myself and tried to photoshop the colours into my hair, but I am very bad with Photoshop, so the picture doesn't look very good. But I think you get to see what I mean.

I also kind of sorted out which dye I want to use for this. For the purple part, I am, probably, going to buy Purple Haze from Manic Panic. I think it is a really nice colour, and this is what it looks like on other people.

I think the colour is very warm and it looks cute on the last girl. Hopefully it will look good on me!

For the red part, I am giving Wildfire from Manic Panic a second chance. I have dyed my hair with Wildfire before and it didn't work out the way it should have. But I bleached my hair and let the dye in for half an hour and washed my hair with warm water. That is probably why it didn't do its job. Now I'm going to use this colour again, but I am NOT going to bleach my hair and I will let the dye in for five hours, or something, because I did that with the blue dye, and it looks great.
Washing my hair with cold water also worked pretty well to maintain the colour.

This is what the red was supposed to look like.

What do you think?

First schoolday!

First of all, I am sorry for not writing for such a long time. I just could not get myself actually doing it. I attempted to write several times, but I didn't work out, and now I am finally in the right mood to write something for my blog.

As you may have guessed, today was my first school day since holiday, and I really really looked up to this day. I have been to school yesterday, but today was the real first day with lessons and thinking and homework and stress and that kind of things. But actually, it wasn't too bad. I thought it would be worse than it actually was. Today was a long day, but it was okay!

I am very nervous for this year, because this year is my last year in middle school, and that means I have my exams this year. I am really afraid I won't make the grade, and that I have to do this whole year ALL over again, but I hope I will just manage to succeed and we will see.
Because I am actually looking forward to what is coming after this year. I have been thinking about life and what I would like to do later, as a job, and I am now for 99 percent sure I want to become a psychologist. I heard someone saying that I have to go to the university for that, but I think there are others ways to become a psychologist. I don't feel like going to another school for six years, and that is approximately how long university takes.
But I think that I almost know for sure that I want to be a psychologist later. And why? I don't really know. I think it is a n interesting job. I have had some issues/disorders myself and I know how it is to have it, so maybe that is why I want to help other people. Hopefully it is possible to help people with all different kinds of diseases. I would like to help people with eating disorders, depressions, OCD, borderline and many more. I think it is possible to chase this dream!

That will be my motivation for this upcoming, last, year. It is the last year of this school where I learn things I am never going to use ever again, it will only last for nine months, instead of a whole year, and if I get my diploma, I will be able to start on my way to a psychologist!

Also there is a nice thing I would like to tell! I am eligible for a certificate. Only those people who never repeated a year, and have a seven or higher are eligible. There were a total of only twelve people who qualify for it, and I was one of them. I felt proud. I do not know exactly what it all means, but it is actually a kind of reward for the good work that I deliver in school. They always have everything for people who do not understand subjects such as tutoring and homework assistance, but for people who do well, they actually don't have anything. Also, it almost goes without saying that I get high marks, according to some teachers, and therefore I am less rewarded. Actually, it's so unfair. And this is why they invented this. This all sounds a bit vague, but I'll explain it better when I also understand what it means. But we will do fun things with this group!

Road trip!

Hello! I'm back again to write a blogpost about yesterday. I said before we went on this holiday that I would like it if we could hire a car and just go somewhere. I didn't want to lay down and tan and swim and eat the whole holiday. So we hired a car and went on a trip by the car. At first we wanted to hire a Jeep  because it has no roof and it seemed to be a cool idea, but my stepfather was too big to sit comfortable in this car, so we had to get something else. The rent-a-car guy said he had something better for us: a Audi A3 Cabrio. And oh my God, that car was awesome. I have a picture of it and I am going to try to upload it!

The first thing we visited was our friend Jiannis. He has his house somewhere near Chersonissos, and he also has a supermarket with a cafe connected to his house. We have been there a few years ago to have a look around when they were still building all this. I was quite young when we did this, so I could only remember a little part of the cafe bar. When we arrived at his house, he actually was still asleep. He had been fishing the night before and he got home very late. We found his wife in the supermarket next door and asked her to wake him up. We talked a bit about what we going to do that day and Jiannis told us to go to the biggest biggest and most variable aquarium of whole South-Europe.

We decided to go there, because we wanted it to be a spontaneous trip, and we didn't think, or hear, about this before. I enjoyed it. I saw many sorts of fish I had never seen in my life ever before. I also saw two very big sharks, you know, the ones that are approximately two meters long, are grey and white coloured and have those sharp teeth. Here is a picture of it.

We also saw the famous clown fish Nemo and his friend Dori! There were many beautiful fishes, so many colours on one fish...

After we had seen all the fishes, we got onto our awesome car again and drove to Agios Nikolaos. It is the city with the famous never-ending lake! It turned out to be no deeper than 64 meters or so, but it is not so wide, so that is still quite impressive, isn't it? We took a picture of us with the lake. I remember looking at this lake from a different point of few somewhere upstairs when I was younger. It is awesome to be here so many years later and still remembering how it looks like. Again we sat down at a little restaurant, at the lake, and drank some drinks and we ate a pizza here as well, because we had not eating anything at all, except for the breakfast.

Here is a picture of us with the famous lake behind us.

Also something we wanted to go to during this trip was an old, non-touristic villages, where the old Cretain people live and play backgammon at the corner of every street. We tried and took every 'weird' road we saw, but nothing really let us to somewhere like this. We saw some roads what probably could let us to a little village like that, but we didn't want to take the risk not being able to get out any more  The roads here are quite straight and badly paved. We even almost fell into one of these roads, because the reverse mode of our car kind of got stuck.

Then we went to Sisi, another city near Chersonissos. We tried to go to this place before we went to Agios Nikolaos, but we kind of got lost and didn't know how to get off the road. But finally we got there, and it was nice. Near to Sisi was a way to a little village in the mountains and we went there, parked our car somewhere, and walked in the little and narrow streets of this village looking for a cafe to drink. We also took some pictures and looked a bit around. And then... we actually got lost. We could not find the cafe where we wanted to drink any more, and sat down somewhere else. But we didn't know where we were, and so we kind of lost our car. We walked into the wrong direction, but eventually found it back somehow :D

And while walking back to our car, we bumped into a reeeaaaallllyyy nice guy. He talked to us. He thought I was English when he heard me talking, but he was wrong. He looked at me all the time when we were talking, and when he walked away from us, he was still looking at me, and I think he likes/liked me. He is from Albania, and I will probably never see him again!

When we found our car back, I sat in it and acted like I was driving the car. I think driving in a car really isn't a difficult thing to do, and I am looking forward to when I am old enough to take driving lessons :)
It is two o'clock here, and so I think it is late enough to publish this blogpost, because I have pretty much told every thing!

Confusing thoughts

It is really hard to be yourself if you do not know who you exaclty are. This is something I have been thinking about much lately. I do not know who I am and who I want myself to be. Sometimes I want to be around people otherwise I feel lonely, but it happens very often that when I finally are with other people, I want to be alone, because I feel like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel so happy with how my life is right now, I got friends, I got a sweet family, and this is the last year of middle school... but at the same time I am scared. I am scared that my friends have forgotten about me, that they don't like me at all, but are friendly to me because they feel sorry for me. Maybe I am just 'that weird kid' that thinks she has friends and she is all cool, but actually everyone laughs at me behind my back. I can be really secure about myself at moments I am happy. At such moments I do not think people hate me, that they laugh at me when I don't see it, but only one tiny thing has to happen and I get heavy mood swings. People probably hate me because I am weird, they think I am fat and I act superciliously.

And actually, I am not always myself at school. I am confused, because I always tell myself to be myself. And if people don't like me, it is not my problem. There are plenty of people just like me who will like me and care about me. Sure, there are some friends I know they won't lie to me about how they think of me, but that are only three people. It is not like I don't trust other people, (I actually do not trust many people, they have to 'prove' themselfs, kind of) but I do not always trust my own feelings.

I actually don't really mind going back to school in two weeks and a few days. But still, I am scared that people have changed during these seven weeks. I haven't seen any of my friends since six weeks, and I rarely spoke to them. There is one of my best friends, and he has changed so much, and he is still changing. I really don't like it how I feel like I lost him. I still like him, but his personallity has changed and he does things I do not feel confortable with. I still love him though, and I care so much about him and I try to accept how he is, and how he wants to be, but I am also worried. But he probably thinks that it is nonsense and that I shouldn't worry about him at all. But I see how he is falling down and it is starting to freak me out and I feel sorry for him.

What if they have all changed? What if I've changed? I don't want to be alone again. I am also scared for this winter. What will happen this winter? I know what will happen. I am someone who loves the summer and I really can't stand the winter. I always get those 'Winter Blues' and I think it might get out of hand this year. This will be the first winter without my eating disorder, and I am scared that it might come back for a little bit because I get so depressed during the winter. I got back on the website "Proud2bme" and I hope they will help me during the winter, if my eating disorder comes back, and if it doesn't, they will help me with my Winter Blues.

I am just so confused. I am thinking about eating, not eating, losing weight, being fat and all that kind of stuff again. Not in a 'sick' way, but I am thinking about it. Maybe it is just a period in this year. It is summer right now and I am in my bikini all the time. It makes me insecure about how I look. I am constantely comparing myself to other girls and that makes me sad. I should probably get to sleep now, because I am getting a bit tired.

Right now I am sitting on our balcony and it is so extremely hot. I think it might be 35 degrees celsius, if not more. I read my latest posts, and I find them a bit confusing. I'm trying to improve a bit on writing things down, because I like it when I write down my thoughts clearly and I can still understand what I meant by it years/months later. I remember how blogging used to help me understand myself and others around me by re-reading things and being able to think about it some more. It felt like having a conversation with myself. Sometimes I wrote my posts when I was angry or heavily upset. When I re-read them later I sometimes even laugh at my own thoughts because they look so childish or delusional.

I moved back inside because it is just too hot on the balcony. I probably loose my attention really quickly now. I don't want that to happen, but I cannot do anything about it. I think that is because I am not taking my medication (I have adhd), I only need it for school, says my mum, so since it is vacation I don't need it.

I actually forgot what I wanted to write about. Let me just tell about what I did today. I'm am, as you may know, in Crete and today we went to an aquapark; Aqua Plus. There were many glides, obviously. I am afraid of heights, but I still went off all the glides, except for one. It was really fun, and my hair was really weird (I tried to keep it dry, I was afraid that my hair would turn out to be purple at the end if the day due to the water. But that didn't happen, luckily)

Totally off topic. I am back on proud2bme for a few weeks now. Not because I have problems with reading again, but just because I missed those people and I want to help them. Hopefully it won't affect me, but if it will, I don't know what I will do. I missed proud so much, and I don't want to leave it again. But I might get into trouble if I will stay. Since I stopped doing 'it', I actually totally forgot about, but since I'm back there, and I've read a book about it, I feel how lucky I am that I won this fight, but I also feel bad for my friends. They are still in trouble. I hope I make some new friend on there, because most of them have left.

There is still one girl I want to talk to and apologize to, because she always was there for me and I kind of said I would stop eating until I died (I am still very embarrassed by that message) and there seems to be no way to contact her and I feel bad.

I stop writing now, because there is something on the Telly I want to watch and there is no concentration left. I'm sorry.

Where you at?!

Today it is the second day we eat here in Crete. And just like yesterday we eat at Jiannis, our friend. When we arrived here late at night the day before, the restaurant was still open, but Jiannis himself wasn't there. No big deal, because it was around half past one and I didn't expect him to be there at this time. Yesterday when we ate here, he wasn't there, which I thought was a huge disappointment (OH THERE HE IS! OH MY GOD, SO HAPPY. I'm going to continue this post like I planned to.) So like I said, I wss really disappointed. Maybe he would come later. But he didn't. one waiter said that he had some things to do.
I expected him to be here today, and when we arrived, he wasn't there. 

But just as I was typing this, my stepfather saw him getting out of his car. I was happy and I enjoyed my evening. We are back in the Howell and are going out for a walk now!

We arrived!

We just arrived on Crete a few minutes ago. The flight was great. It only took three hours and eleven minutes, instead of three and a half hours! So that was quite relaxing. Right now we are waiting until we can get our suitcases. I read through half of my first book during the flight already. I have got thirteen books with me, so I suppose I'm fine.
When the plane set foot (wheels?) on the island, I actually got a bit emotional. It felt like home. It was like I had returned back hope after I had been in a foreign county for almost a year. Isn't that a bit weird? Maybe you can now understand why I was so excited to go here again.

Right now we are in the bus that will drive us towards our hotel. My battery is running low, so I don't know how long I'll be able to write, but as soon as I'm in the hotel (Heronissos) I will look for a way to charge my phone! This ride will take about half an hour.

If it is not too late, we are going to Jiannis, the restaurant we always went to when I were younger. But for bow, I'm saving up my battery so I can publish this post when I have wifi!

Crete

We've packed almost everything. Our suitcases are downstairs, and the cameras and phones are fully charged. We are going to Crete tonight! FINALLY! I've waited for this moment to come for such a long time. Crete is like the only thing that makes me truly happy. I think because in Crete I've always been happy. Even when I was young I was, just like now, sad or stressed most of the time. I don't know if that is normal for a child, but I remember that in Crete, I could be finally be really happy. That is why I am so excited to go there. I have so many good memories from there. I can't describe. And now we are finally going there.

We are leaving in less than an hour so I am checking the last things right now before leaving. I will have wifi connection in Chersonissos, so I will keep you up to date!

Here is a picture of our hotel

I couldn't find a map, but I will make enough photos when I'm there and blog about them! I'm sorry if I won't blog too much, because I never now how things will be eventually! But I will try to update you as often as I feel like! 

I am sorry that this is such a messy post, but I will make it up to you later! 

Update from Italy and some news!

Hi there!

I thought it was the right time to write a blogpost, because I haven't done so in a few days. Italy has been great! Especially yesterday,because we went to Venice. We stepped into our car and thought to drive there in an hour or so. Unfortunately, we had some delay. We got on the boat to Venice one hour later than expected, but it was alright. We didn't have to wait vet long to get in the boat. Luckily we were one of the first passengers to get on the boat, so we had a seat. I think 60 percent of the people on the boat had to stand the whole time. It was about half an hour/45 minutes, I guess.

When we got there in Venice, it wad warm, but thanks to the wind. We visited many amazing buildings and my father took many photos with his amazingly great camera. My father is going to send me all the pictures, I asked him yesterday evening.

Today was the last actual holiday in Italy for me this holiday. At first the weather wasn't that good actually. But as soon as my father and stepmother got back to the caravan the sun started to shine, sort of. I enjoyed the sun for the last time and went back to the caravan as well when my step aunt did.

Tonight we are barbecuing, and tomorrow morning my two stepbrothers and I leave and go back to the Netherlands. I heard that the weather is very sunny and warm there at the moment, so it looks like I'm not going from sunny weather into rain and coldness at once.

There is actually something I want to write about. In the days back then when I was suffering from anorexia or whatever kind of eating disorder I had, I found a website called proud2bme which is a website about eating disorders. It also had a forum that I visited and wrote on daily. This website helped me so much to deal with my problem. There were do many other girls with the same problems, and we understood each other.
I'm happy that I do not have to use this website anymore because I won the battle from my disorder and I'm very proud of myself for that.

But since I'm dealing with another kind of problem, the ocd one, I was searching on google last night and I registered for a forum and hopefully I will soon find out what I actually can so against my problem. I found some tips on a website today and it is working for me right now. But since I'm not that stressed during holiday, the urge to do certain things is not that strongly forthcoming. I'm happy that I've found something that works for me, at least at moments when 'the feeling' isn't that strong.

I'm going to enjoy the weather for now. Next post is probably from the Netherlands, back home. Then I will also post some pictures from my holiday.

Kim

Reading and writing

I love to read during holiday. So I took the books with me. One of them is English and the other two are Dutch. I wanted to read some more books, since I'm a fast reader. I read one book today and I am on twenty six percent of my English book already. After tomorrow I probably have only one book left to read, and after that I don't know what to do actually. I'm thinking about writing my own books. in the past I already attempted to write my own book, and I wrote around sixty pages and then I just speed writing. I can not remember why. I probably did not like what I had Wooten already, so why going on with something I do not enjoy?

The book was about a girl who moved house because her mother got a new boyfriend. She had to write emails and chat on msn to stay in contact with her best friend. It was a total rip off of one of my favourite Dutch books. That was also probably one of the main reasons to stop writing.

I already had my Dutch blog around that time, and I saw that I enjoyed blogging way more than writing my book. I assume that that was because I did not have to think about what to write, because I already knew what write before I started writing the post.

So that made me wonder... Why not writing a book about what I have been through in my life? I do not want to sound all whiny or pathetic, but I think I have the right to say I have been through a lot. So I wag thinking to write a (or more) book(s) about some happenings in my life. I don't exactly know how I'm going to do this, but the urge has been here for quite a while now.

Some ranting

What can I say? Yesterday started off like it was going to be a good day, but it somehow turned into probably the worst day of this holiday.

First of all, we went to the beach today, for me it was the first time. At first I did not want to take my phone with me, but when I saw that my stepmother and stepbrother took them with them as well, I thought 'why shouldn't I just take him with me?'. I immediately thought it wasn't a very good idea. I didn't want anything to happen to my phone so I kept it in my parent's bag, just in case something happened to it. (the beach itself was beautiful and the sea was warm enough to not freeze to death again (like what happened the night before sure to the airco). And there comes the only time I feel proud of myself. I attempted to go into the sea and swim. And I did! Twice even! The first time was with my little sister, she is for as far as I know the only one who knows about my fear of the sea and not makes fun of it.
The second time I went alone. That time I even went for a proper swim. I felt quite proud of myself afterwards because I had fun in the sea and for a few minutes I didn't feel like I was the worst thing that has ever happened to the world.)

But when we wanted top go back top the caravan my sister and I wanted to swim in the pool before going home as well. So that is what we did. I let my phone in the bag and asked if they wanted to be careful with it. My stepmother immediately said 'of course we do!' She sounded really annoyed while saying it and gave me this arrogant look.
I went to swim, but when I got home I saw there are two scratches on my phone. I tried to clean my crab in case it were no scratches, but they are. I was so angry at people because they just can't be careful with other people's properties. It's a pity that I don't know who did our, but when I will blame anyone, they will say I did it myself for sure.
I was always so careful for my phone, and now someone else damaged it.

That was not the only thing. I bought 100mb internet do I could blog and chat, but yesterday after I discovered the scratches I also got a text message saying I had used 80 percent of my mbs. Which is impossible since my internet didn't work for almost the entire day. So I have only 20mb left for five days. Hopefully it won't go that fast again for no reason.

You can understand that this had ruined my mood and because of that I was a bit grumpy. That is never a good thing near my stepmother. She likes to even ruin my mood more somehow. I started to feel again, like I don't belong in this family. They're happy together and I feel like the only one who appreciates my presence is my father, and my little sister maybe. But all the other ones act like they don't care.

Then I started to feel nervous and stressed because of the ocd-ish feelings I've been struggling with for quite a while now. 'Maybe had touched the table or did jumped twice instead of once my phone would not have been damaged. It is my fault, I should have clapped an even number in my hands, not any different.' I even couldn't read my book anymore, so I didn't have any entertainment.

Later in the evening I also started to feel bad for eating. I cried on the toilet. I had completely lost my mind. As soon as I possibly could, I went to bed and hoped so much on a better day.

Right now, I'm still in my bed, but I think I feel a little bit better now... kind of... Hopefully this day will be better, because it will run my vacation so much if not. I'm not taking my phone with me again, unless I have my own bag where no one else can touch it.

From the beach

Hello there!

I'm currently at the beach and the weather is great. It is pretty hot here but the wind kind of makes it enjoyable. I took my phone with me to the beach just in case I wanted to make photos or write blogposts just like I'm doing right now. I really like it here in Italy.I'm having a great time.

Yesterday was fun but tiring. We went to a pizzeria where I ate a very big pizza Margarita, obviously.I food not east such a good pizza for quite a long time. These are real pizzas and pastas from Italy, it can't be better somewhere else. After dinner we went to my aunt and her family where we sat and drank some drinks for the rest of the evening.

I could barely survive the first night, on the couch. The couch wasn't even the worse thing, that was okay, actually. But the airco is in the living- kind of -room and apparently it turned off automatically. My brother turned it on again, but the temperature was way too low. I woke up every half an hour because I was so cold. I was glad when my stepmother woke up and went to the bakery to buy us breakfast. I joined her because I could no longer handle the coldness.

I think I have now managed to collect enough braveness to try to go for a short swim. Hopefully I won't panic and drown.

My first day in Italy

I am here! In Italy. Sitting on my bed, writing a blogpost about today. this day went by very quickly. I woke up at half past 9, I guess. My mum and I checked my bag a few last times if I really had everything packed, which I had. Around a quarter to eleven, we left and drive to Schiphol airport. When we got there (and by 'we' I mean my two stepbrothers and I), we could walk to the plane almost immediately. We had already checked in at hone on the internet, so we did not gave to arrive at the airport so early. My brother a big piece of pizza in a restaurant on the airport. It was a very big piece, I think it was approximately a quarter of a pizza. As soon as my other brother came back from theBurger King part of that restaurant, which took quite a long time, and he ate his burger and his fries, we walked towards our plane and got on board. When we got onto the plane we saw a celeb from the Netherlands, which was pretty awesome.

The flight itself was rather short. In about an hour and twenty minuets or so we landed in Italy. My dad was there to pick us up and he drive back with us to the camping, Pra Delle Torri or something like that. That took us around an hour to do, but I watched a film with my burger during the ride.

The camping looks nice for how far I have seen it. It is a big camping with a fountain in the middle. There are a few restaurants, a disco, a theatre and of course there are two swimming pools. Also, the beach is close to the swimming pools well.

Tomorrow I shall visit the beach for the second time and this tone I am actually going to make use of it. I am also going to give swimming a try, even though I think swimming in the ocean is pretty scary. I'm really tired at the moment, so for now, I am going to sleep, and hopefully, I shall try to blog again!

Italy, here I come!

DuaneSo tomorrow I'm going to Italy. We're travelling there by plane and I'm kind of going there alone. Only my two step brothers and I. We travel there alone. I actually am a little bit nervous for that, but I think I will be okay. We have checked in online already, so we can walk straight into the plane, after we went true the duane, which is quite nice.
I bought 100 MB internet for there so when I will be there, I am definitely going to post pictures and write blogs.
I wanted to write a bit more, but I don't know what and I'm also rather tired. So the next post will probably be from me in Italy :D

Italy and Hairdye

Here, have a picture of me sleeping with my little sister's bear. She asked if i could sleep with it for one week because didn't want to take him (or her) with her.

My father, stepmother, stepsister and little sister are leaving for Italy in a few hours from now. They're travelling there by car. I don't know how long it takes to drive all the way to Italy, but I assume it is a pretty long ride. Therefore they won't drive to there at once, but they stay at a hostel or something in Austria for one night and then continue the ride the next day. They are supposed to arrive at around three o'clock in the afternoon.

I'm not going with them already because I am staying for only one week and my dad and everyone else, except for me and my two older stepbrothers, will stay there for two weeks. the reason I'm not staying two weeks as well is because I'm also going to Chersonissos for two weeks with my mum one week after I'll be back from Italy. I didn't want to be gone for such a long time. Four weeks on vacation and only two, maybe three, weeks at home.

We are staying in Caorle. That is a city 'near' Venice. It's about and hour to go there by car. The camping is called Pra Delle Torri. I think I am going to have so much fun, except for the fact that this year I am the one who has to sleep on the couch. And I'm really not looking forward to that. I don't want to sound all whiny and bitchy, but I want a comfortable bed please.I do not want to sleep on the couch. People are going to sit down and eat stuff on my 'bed'. How am I ever going to have good night sleeps this year? I have enough problems with my neck and back and shoulders already and I don't think that a 'bed' with such quality is going to help me with those problems. Also there is another 'problem' and that is that I have no such thing as privacy when my bedroom is also going to be the living room. Even though we are probably not going to sit in there a lot, but still...

That is about the only thing I'm not satisfied with. I will survive that.

This upcoming week I'm planning on doing many activities with my mum. Only my mum and I. I asked her if we could do that massage again we did a year or so ago. She said yes and she will us going to try and reserve two chairs for us and I hope so it is still possible for us to undergo such a good massage. Maybe it will help me with my triggerpoints. We'll see.

I'm going to stop writing now, because I'm actually rather tired and I would like to sleep.

Bye everyone!

Ps. My grandfather bought a smartphone today. He bought the Samsung galaxy ace, the same phone as my mother has. I feel so proud. He understands it a little bit already.

Pps. I am going to test new hair dye and if I like it I'm buying it, so my mother can dye it again.

Susan wants me to blog!

Susan wants me to blog, so here you have it: a blogpost kind of thing. It's probably going to take me the whole night, but you got to deal with that. This post will be a weird one, because right now Raya (one of my best friends) is at my house for a sleep over. 'sleep over'. We are not going to sleep much, obviously.

In this post I will just randomly write down my thoughts and what is happening. Right now my friend is playing the Sims 3. I made a sim that looks like her. Or at least I tried. And now she's making one like me. She actually managed to make my hair red dypdyed. Oh! She's choosing my characteristics (is that even a word?). She chose great kisser, a smooth taller, brave (she explained why she chose this and now I feel proud) and friendly.

So right now she is playing Team Fortress and it is funny to see how bad she is at it. Not that I am a good gamer, but I have fun doing it, so yeah. She's playing and I am a sort if coaching her. I keep on laughing about her reactions! "No no no no no!!! Ah, fuck! No! Aahhh! Oh god! Do not kill me! Please! I DIED!"

...

Time passed and during that I played the game. I forgot how much I love gaming from time to time. If Minecraft doesn't count as gaming, then I do not game very often anymore. I have 22 games, and I used to game way more often and way longer. Sometimes I even gamed all night long. And now I fall asleep around one o'clock and I feel like it is 4 o'clock in the morning. Hopefully that won't happen tonight. But as long as we're not laying in our beds, I'm fine.

Once again I can not not point out how excited I am to go to Italy and Crete! I JUST CAN'T WAIT! And the fact that I will be able to blog and post pictures of where I've been and what I've seen. We're going to Venice when I will be in Italy and I am really looking forward to it because just asdfghjkl.

Maybe I should stop writing, because all I am writing now only consist of nonsense. Actually I got a question. How many people actually read my blogposts? Can you leave a comment just saying something random or telling me your opinion? You can also tweet me if you would like that. I blog to express, not to impress. I like it when my blog has new visitors, but I like it that I have one follower so yeah!

We're going to game and stuff a little bit more and going to sleep late at night and tomorrow morning/noon we will watch 'Siske de rat'. It's a Dutch movie and I really like it.

I think I have wasted enough of your time already again. Have a good night!

Massages, birthday, crying and a little bit of whining

Hello there!

I thought it was a good time to write another blogpost, so that is what I am doing right now. I don't really have a topic in mind right now, but I will see what I will be writing about.

I went to my dads house yesterday, and it was really nice to be there. My dad is very good at giving massages and since I have a lot of issues with my muscles (actually more parts of my body, but oh well) he massaged my neck and shoulders and found out that I have lots of so called "trigger points", or in other words; those little bumps in my muscles. There are a sort of knots in my muscles. Most of those trigger points arise when you are very stressed, don't sit the right way or overload your muscles. But since all three of them don't really apply to me any more (I have lots of stress, I know that, but it is not as much as it used to be, so I don't think those trigger points are caused by stress) I do not know where those knots are coming from. Luckily my father massaged me very good, and when I went back to my mother's house, she wanted to massage me as well, so that was lovely. I hope my dad and my mum want to keep on massaging me, because it relieves a little bit of the pain the bumps cause.

Yesterday, I went to sleep at quite a late time for me. That was because my stepsister came home at one o'clock and she seemed like she had drunk a little bit too much. We talked about a few things, and I found it really enjoyable the whole night. We finally went to sleep at like half past three and I woke up at half past nine this morning (or was it half past ten? I don't remember. No, it must have been half past nine!). My stepsister celebrated her sixteenth birthday today. I felt like a good kid today. You know why? Because I helped my mum the whole day with taking care of all the guests. I know that it probably isn't something special to do, but I never really helped my parents on days like this. Normally I get into my room, and don't plan on going outside of it before all the guests have left. But today was different. And I liked it, actually. I would have done nothing all day long, so why not make myself useful?

But being downstairs all day also brings a disadvantage with it. I haven't been into my room for like pretty much the whole day. But my sister was actually in 'our' room. We have to share our room because there is not enough space to give everyone a room for their own. It sucks, and this is why. My stepsister invited her best friend to come over to her house and hang out with each other. So they went to our room. But I don't like it when people use and touch my stuff without asking me permission for it. That is not very strange, obviously. The last time she invited this girl, the girl asked if she could use my computer 'for just a sec'. I said it was okay, and waited until she was done. She said she had to look up something. But she didn't just do that. She logged my out from Facebook and all the other social media and logged into her accounts. She sat down on MY stair and I was... bewildered, actually. I went downstairs to get myself a drink and as soon as I got back upstairs I wanted to use my computer again. You know what she said? "No." Just no. Hello? You see that this isn't right? It is and will always be my computer and you don't have the right to take over control of it. Maybe I sound a little childish right now, but my computer is private. I have lots of stuff on it that I do not want other people to see or read. Especially not someone like her. Eventually she left, but she gave me this look that she was angry with me or something.

I actually find this rather weird. You do not just use other people's stuff like it's yours and then when they ask you to stop and leave, you just continue like it is the weirdest thing in the world you've ever heard. 


But today, this friend was here again. And I knew she would come. So I protected my computer with a password and I turned off my speakers and my monitor. Therefore she didn't use it. I think that if I would not have locked my computer with a password, that she would have used it like it was hers.
She did not do that, but she used my chair and sat on my bed (I did not clean up my bed today). I'm sorry if I sound like I'm whining or something, but you don't just do that, right?! Just sit on my stepsister's bed if you want to sit on a bed, but not on mine. She didn't ask for it. She just did. And when I asked her to get off, she did, but said something like "My butt isn't dirty or something, hahaha!". No, I know. Just don't!

Okay, I just needed to rant about this, because I could not do it on Twitter, because my stepsister is following me on Twitter and I did not want her to know.

Something nice! We were barbecuing today! I planned not to eat so much, but in the end, I ate more that I wanted. But that is not something bad. My weight was 47.7 this morning, so I do not think it was bad that I ate a little bit more than I used to do the past month. I felt a little bit guilty after diner, but I ignored that feeling and I told myself that it is no problem that I ate a bit more than I planned on doing, because I do not want to feel guilty after eating. I am not going to check my weight tomorrow, because I know it will be more than it was today, and I do not want to feel guilty.

Also, during diner, my grandma started to cry. Just out of nothing, she started to cry. I felt bad and I almost started to cry myself. One of her best friends, someone she has known since the Second World War, died, if I understand. I feel really bad for her, and I do not want to see her crying ever again.

Okay, I am sorry. I wanted to write more, I thought, but I really have to stop now. My OCD-ish feelings are making it impossible for me to write, and I am getting tired of this. So I am sorry.

I'll write more later, when I feel good again!

Positively today!

Today was a good day. Today was fun, I really enjoyed this day. I woke up pretty early; it was about a quarter to seven when the sound of the radio in the room next to me woke me up. I actually was not annoyed with the fact that I woke up this early today. I also feel like I did not waist this day.

Around half past eleven, I was already hanging out with cone of my friends. I suggested to go to a park where we could relax and swim if we want to. But since we did not know exactly if the weather was going to be okay, I suggested to gather around the McDonnalds first and then decide if we would go to the park or not.

First I went to a jewelry shop to buy a gift for my stepsister's sixteenth birthday party, with is this Saturday. I bought two pairs of earrings for her. I hope she likes them, because I don't. But earrings have never been some jewelry I like. I actually do not like ay jewelry at all. Except for my London bracelet I'm wearing all the time.

After that we went to the park. The sun did not shine at that moment, but the temperature was just fine and there blew a gentle breeze, which was lovely. Unfortunately, the weather changed after an half an hour or so and it started to rain. My friends and I then tried to make a little tent out of or four blankets we got with us. We managed to stay dry under our blankets, sort of. But later we just ran away and hid in the bushes. Where I got stung by some kind of insect, by the way, which wasn't very nice.

When we had been in the bushes for a couple of minutes, I wanted to leave because of all the flies that flew in every hole available all the time. We left and drove to the house of one of my beat friends. We 'chilled' there for a short time and then finally the aunt started to shine. I suggested to go outside to enjoy the lovely warn weather, and so we did.
My friends wanted to buy ice cream, so we went to the best ice cream shop in our town. I did not eat an ice cream, though. I am still doing this diet of mine and I can see that it is working. I will not give up on that. No ice cream for me. I will eat enough ice cream in Italy next week.

When I got home, my mum and I started our daily exercises and then I sorted out the post I have to deliver tomorrow. It was not so much this time, which means I get less money. But I still get much money for basically doing not so much or intensive work.

This night I went to a 'party' from a friend who graduated this year. It was fun and cosy and I actually enjoyed it more than I thought I would before. There were a lot of girl and only one boy (at least, until my ex and his new 'friend' came in as well) and he was her brother. I still think it is a pitty that another good friend of mine didn't come. But she felt ill so I understand why she didn't show up.

That was about it, I guess. Tomorrow I am going to deliver the mail, buy some clothes for my little sister and my mum will pay and later that afternoon I am going to pack my stuff for my holiday yo Italy! But for now, sleep will be the beat thing to do.

Boredom

Since it is summer holiday, and I don't have any commitments, I really don't do anything all day long. The past week has past by really slowly, and I haven't done anything else than exercising, sleeping, watching television and sitting on the couch, staring like a zombie into nothingness. And doing all this makes no sense to me, so I have a plan. I am going to make a list with activities I can do when I'm bored and I'm going to do that right now. I am going to make the list as long as I possibly can, and if I think about something later, I will supplement this list immediately. If I can, I will also print this out and hang it next to my bed, so that every time I wake up and start to sigh because I don't know what I am going to do that day, I will see the list and make a plan for that day.

Okay, so... I'm leaving for my holiday in Italy on the 18th of July and I will return the 25th. Then I have exactly one week until I'm leaving, again, for Crete. I will stay in Chersonissos for two weeks. I can prepare some stuff for both vacations, like making lists for what I have to take with me or buy. Let's start this!

1. Make a lists for what to bring with me on both holidays
2. Buy a gift for my stepsisters' birthday
3. Play Minecraft
4. Play The Sims 3
5. Try to blog at least once a day
6. Re-watch Avatar (AtlA and LoK)
7. Draw manga
8. Relax in the garden
9. Go out with friends
10. Work
11. Listen to music
12. Write a story
13. Make lots of pictures
14. Exercise at least one hour every day
15. Impress random guys
16. Watch a film (you have over 700 films, so there's always at least one film you are in the mood for to watch!)
17. Download new applications for your new phone
18. Download new music
19. Read a book
20. Buy new stuff you need for your next school year (try to procrastinate this as long as possible)

These are some things I can do, but I know for sure that I will think of more things to do later, and when I will, I shall add them to this list as well!

Anyway, after I made this list, I went downstairs and ate my dinner. I would like to talk about a few things. My diet is going great for now! I didn't eat any sweets for quite a long time now, and I feel like I don't even need to any more. So that is a good thing. I used to eat a whole bag of chips a day (usually extreme big bags, 300 gram if not more) so that wasn't too good for me. I quit doing that and now I only eat fruit. I drink those breakfast drinks in the morning, eat a bowl of yoghurt with fruit in it for lunch and I eat my normal diner in the evening. I also drink lots of water, and at least one tiny cup of tea a day. When I get hungry I either eat a piece of fruit, or I eat a tiny cup of custard. I'm excited about how I will look in two weeks, because even I myself can see some changes in how I look like already, after a month of dieting (I have been eating out three times though), so these upcoming weeks look promising. 

Also when I was downstairs I was looking in the appstore if there were any fun or interesting applications that I wanted to download, and then I saw an e-reader application. I downloaded it straight away, and I am happy I did it. The first thing I did was looking if they had the book "The Perks of being a Wall Flower". I wanted to borrow that book from the library to read it during my holidays, but when I saw they have this one, I started to read the book straight away. I don't know at which page I am at the moment, but I have read twelve percent of the book already. I really like this book. I actually wanted to safe it up until I'm going on holiday, but I just couldn't stop reading it as soon as I started. I wanted to read the first page of it, so I would know a bit about the book, but it turned out that I've read like four chapter already, I guess.

And after reading a part of this book, I realise how much I love to write. Luckily I will be able to blog when I'm in Italy or Crete, because I downloaded the Blogger application for my smartphone as well. And I'm going to use it a lot. I have mentioned this a few times already, but I just cannot hide how excited I am to enjoy blogging again, as much as I used to do on my older blog (if you're curious, I already put a link to my older blog in a previous post of mine). 

Okay, but for now, I have to put an end to this blog. I am going to watch television now, and somehow I feel great right now! Hopefully this feeling will last the rest of the evening! 

Feelings

I am not feeling very good, as I can say. Again, I can not really say that there is one single cause for this. As you may know, I think I might suffer from OCD. It has never been diagnosed, but I still recognize many symptoms. I just do not want to say that I have it, because I self hate it when people just use random illnesses and say that they suffer from it.
But it is getting worse and worse and I am feeling like I don't have any thing to say about it. It just happens. The past two day I, somehow, managed to not give in to 'the feeling' and the pressure, but now... I just don't know.
Every time I feel bad for no matter what reason, 'the feeling' comes and mostly doesn't leave for the rest of the day.
Today, I woke up feeling completely sick and ill. The reason why is rather funny. I went out with two of my best friends. We went out for dinner in a restaurant where you are allowed to eat as much food as we can, and drink as much drinks as we can. That is why we drunk a bit too much.
I woke up at half past six, because that is the time my mum's phone went off and I forgot to turn it off. I did not go back to sleep again afterwards. But I immediately felt horrible. As soon as my mum had left for work, I tried to come out of bed without feeling the urge to throw up, a several times. It took me a very long time to actually get out of bed and eat 'breakfast' (it wasn't a proper breakfast because I was afraid to throw up if I would eat something). And on Friday I have to deliver the mail, but since I did not have the time to sort out the mail on Thursday, I also had to do that the same morning. And that was terrible! I felt way to sick and I was constantly afraid to puke. Luckily that did not happen.
Around noon, my mum came back from her job. We talked and drunk some tea ans then we started to deliver the post. I think that fresh are was that I needed, because I started to feel a little bit better (even though I still feel a wave of sickness flowing through my body front time till time).
And in the evening we went to my dad's house. And that was when I started to feel bad, which caused 'the feeling' to show up again. I felt rather guilty, because I ate quite a lot and I dont want to gain weight since I've lost quite a bit already and I want to be able to feel secure about the way I look, that includes when I am walking around in bikini.
Tomorroq is NOT a day I am looking forward to. I have to dance in a show tomorrow and I have ZERO motivation to do that. I have to be there between 11.30 en 12.00, so obviously we will arrive there around 12.15.
A few drunk guys just dropped their phones on the ground while cycling past my house and now they are trying to find its battery.
I don't know how I am ever going to survive tomorrow, but I will do my best. I take my phone with me, obviously, and I shall bring my charger as well. I do not want to risk it being dead. I shall probably do nothing but tweeting all day long (except for a bit of dancing in between).
Anyway, I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a loooooonggg day.

Four/three positive things!

This is not going to be a whiny post! No, this one is actually going to be positive. I got four good things I want to write about and the first thing is that exam week is finally over! My last test was on last Friday and I am so happy it is over! I started learning two weeks before the exam week even started, and I have to tell you, it was exhausting. Since I have ADHD I have problem concentrating for longer that an half an hour straight, but I had to. And I did. For two weeks I did nothing else than studying, and it made me crazy. As soon as the actual exam week started, I was feeling kind of depressed, because I hadn't done much entertaining for me for two weeks. But I pushed myself further and further and I managed it somehow. Now that this week is over, and I got all my notes back, I see that all that work has not been for nothing. Except for one note (a 6.6), I got nothing below 7.1 and four of my notes are an 8 or higher. I think I may say that I can be proud of myself. I am very happy that I have no deadlines or stress for school. Summer holiday is now real close. I have to survive this week (a horrible week though) and after this week I can finally enjoy summer holiday. The only thing I have to do is return my books and then this school year is officially over.

The second good thing is that I now got a job. Two times a week I have to deliver post. I already told you that, but I am just so happy with it! After I am done tomorrow, I will get 42 euro already. And this work is not even that exhausting. On Mondays I do one hour of sorting the mail out, and on Tuesdays I need only around one hour to deliver them all. I get paid around 8.50 an hour! That is almost twice as much as most of my friends get paid. I have seriously NO regrets for applying for this job! There's nothing wrong with doing four hours of work during summer holiday, I probably will not have something better to do all day long, so why not making myself useful? I really hope I can stay after summer holiday. Because this is only a job for the holiday, but I hope that they won't fire me. They need someone for this district, so if I will do my best, why would they fire me? Let's hope for the best!

The third thing I am happy about is that I lost weight. I have been 'dieting' for a month now, but I only have been doing it rather seriously for a week now and it worked out already. Even though I went out eating two times this week, and one other time has yet to come, I lost around 2.5 kilos. I don't eat any chips or other kinds of sweats any more, and I started sporting a bit more, and I think I can see the difference already. I have three and a half weeks left before I go to Italy with my dad for a week, so if I can keep up the good work, I will be satisfied enough by then!

I actually forgot the last thing, so I cannot tell you, unfortunately, but maybe I will think of it later! This was just a little update, and for now, it is enough. I will take a shower now, and work some more on my photo album about my school trip to London from seven weeks ago, with my mum. Then I will probably eat something nice and then snuggle into my warm bed, hoping I will not fall asleep too soon, because I have to go back to school again tomorrow. A short day, fortunately, so I will survive!

Even more whining

I feel like all the posts I write are about nothing really. There is not just one topic I talk about. It includes random sentences, but it is not a story. Also I think that all my previous posts consist of whining and complaining. And this one is already the same as all the other ones. Because what I wanted to write about now, is that I've found myself in a negative spiral. Every day is the same.

I wake up in the morning, get behind my computer and make myself ready for school. When I arrive there, I'm nothing but stressed about the upcoming exams I have to do (I'm in the middle of my exam week). Then I go home. Study for the test I have the next day and as soon as I finish that, I feel fine for about an hour. After that hour I start to feel worse and worse and worse. The only thing I want to do all day is sleeping. I don't have the energy to do something, and even when I wake up, I still feel tired. But when I try to think of a reason why I feel so sad and desperate every time, I can't think of it. I just feel like this, and there is no proper reason.

That is actually the problem. I feel bad without a reason. When I feel bad, and I know why I do, I try to solve the problem, or say to myself that, whatever is wrong, it will go away eventually. But now I know there is nothing actually wrong, I can't myself that everything will be all right, because things are right. There are a few problems that I'm worried about, of course, but nothing big.

Now I feel bad again, and I still don't know why. I feel tired all day, I have headaches all the time, and I don't look forward to anything (except for the upcoming weeks I am going to Italy and Crete), but even when I think about that, I don't feel any better. When someone asks me what is wrong, I can't say what is, because I don't know. All this is really confusing and I'm tired of it.

When will this go away...

As long as I can remember I have always loved writing. No matter what, I always loved it. I started writing little stories when I was around the time I just learned how to write all the letters of the alphabet. I had two little kids I always wrote stories about, they were twin brother and sister. Their names where Bart and Lisa. Two very common names here in Holland. Every time I got some time that I could spend on my own (which was a lot, since one doesn't have many responsibilities at an age like that), I wrote little stories, from about a full paper (A4-format) about their lives and what kind of adventures they experienced. I was always the one in my class that actually got excited when we had to write again. And later, when I was a lit older, I bought a diary to write in. I must have been around age seven, I assume,

Since I really really loved writing, I did it a lot. But sometimes I just wanted to write stories without having to think about things all over and over again. That was when I made my first ever weblog. I think I was around twelve years old. At first, I didn't even publish what I wrote. I just wrote what was on my mind, and saved my writing on my computer. But later I thought it would be funny to publish my writings.


I regularly updated my blog, and I loved to do that every time. I have used that blog for over two years. I eventually stopped using weblog.nl to update my blog, because the website pretty much sucked. At first I didn't really care about it. But later it started to annoy me that there weren't much different themes to choose and making one myself wasn't a good choice either, since I had no sense of how to work with HTML. 
I stopped writing because I went to a forum as well, where I wrote into my diary I had there daily, and I didn't feel like writing things twice.

After I was banned from that forum :( I wanted to have my blog back. But to go back to my old blog, where I hadn't been posting for over a year, I decided to make a new one. I had read that the website that I used to blog on, was going to undergo an update. I had to wait a few weeks before I could make a new account. I was curious about the new update, so I decided to wait that few weeks. But the update did not take place. Something went wrong, they said. I was really curious about the new update, and I waited a bit longer... and longer, and longer and longer... The website completely crashed. Eventually it took them around half a year, if not longer, to repair all the damaged done to the website. I didn't want to wait so long. So I tried to open my old blog again, but because my old email address has been hacked, I could get my new password, and so I didn't have access to my blog any more. I tried so many things and contacted the people of the website so many times, but it wasn't possible to get my old and loved blog back.

If you are interested in my old weblog, you can find it here. Mind that it is all written in Dutch.


I'm still very angry with the website that they fucked shit up and that I am the victim. I want my old blog back. At least I want access to it. It is my right.

Anyway, something totally off topic. I applied for a job a few weeks ago and I start this week. I have to deliver mail. Today I got my first mail to deliver. I sorted them out, and tomorrow I'll deliver them. I'm really looking forward to do this during summer holiday. I don't have anything to do all day, when I'm still at home. I'll will also go to Italy and later I will go to Crete, Chersonissos, which I'm really looking forward to. I have been feeling homesick since I'm back in Holland.


But for the rest of the vacation, I will probably have nothing to do, and therefore do nothing else than lying in bed and then snuggle out of bed, and play Minecraft all day long (probably even night). So I can try to make myself useful and bring all those helpless people their mail...

No, that is not why I applied for the job. I did it because they pay really well. I'll receive around 130 euro this month. And I'm looking forward to that! I have no idea what I am going to as soon as I get the money. I think I'll just save it up, to never buy things later. 

Aaaannnd, my mood just got completely ruined. I want to hit people with a raker. Yes. Thank you, thanks again. 

I am so sick of this crap. Why do I always have to feel like shit at least three hours a day, if not longer?  I can't stand it any more. During the day, I constantly try not to cry. Why do I even feel like this? I have no worthy reason to feel like shit all day. There are no such things wrong that I have to feel like crying all day, so why do I? I just comes out of the blue.

Well, that was it then... I'm sorry that I'm always whining about every thing and everyone. 

Quick post

Heellooo theerreeee!

It's father's day today and therefore I am at my grandpa's house with my father and co. My grandpa and grandma live in a city called Leiden. I was born there too, and I have lived there until six years ago. Six years ago, my parents divorced and we moved to Delft, which is about half an hour away from Leiden by car. Every time I get back here in Leiden I feel, it feels like home. So I feel pretty fine right now.

Also, we are going out to dinner in a Greek restaurant and I am looking forward to it. I love Leiden and I love Greece, so that combination is even better.

I can't wait to go to Crete again this summer. I have so many good memories of that place. Every time I think about it, I want to go back there.

Anyway, I wanted to write a little bit more than this, but we're leaving right now! You'll here more from me later!

OCD much?

I have lots of weird habits. I did an OCD-online test lately and it said that the change that I have OCD is like 90 percent. But when I did another test, it said that I probably don’t have it. I’m a bit confused about this now, but here are some habits of mine.

Always when I touch a certain object with, for example, my right hand, I also have to do it with my left hand. And if the way I touch the object isn’t the same, I have to do them BOTH again. 

For example: when I am walking down the stairs and I bump my left arm against the wall, I have to BUMP my right arm against the wall, at the same spot, as well. But when I accidentally slip my arm against the wall, I have to try again to bump it against the wall, and then slip my left arm against the wall to equal the slipping and bumping.

I have another annoying habit that has to do with reading, writing and reading out loud. When I’m reading through a post, it doesn’t matter what post, I have to finish the whole post. So, if it is something that it not interesting for me, I still have to read through the whole post. 

Also when I mess up reading it (as in; reading a word wrong) I have to reread the whole sentence. This also goes for writing. Mostly writing on the computer. When I am typing a word and I mess up, I have to delete the whole word (it doesn't matter how many letters the word counts) and type it in again. 

And another thing I have is when I am just thinking about random things and it ‘might be interpret as an prediction’ I have to knock twice on something (I forgot the English word for this). If there is wood inside the room I am, I have to knock twice on wood. Sometimes this happens when I’m on my way to school and there is no wood around. Then I just knock my hands against each other, then clap twice in my hands and then got back to cycling. 

This can be rather dangerous when I am near driving cars or other people. 

And there is one other thing I can think of right now. When I am listening to music, no matter where or with who, I have to, again, do the knocking thing, and then tap my both feet on the ground, just before the beat drops. 

Also I have this weird habit of sniffing with my nose all the time. I randomly take a deep breath, then quickly exhale and if it does not feel right, I have to do this all again. 

And the last one for now. This one is random, and it can pop up at any time.

Example: when I am looking at a television, and this I got the feeling I have to do it, I have to look away or do the knocking thing again, before the camera switches to another point of view, if you know what I mean.
This can also relate to things like switching the light on or off.

And there is one other thing that has to do with walking on different colours of bricks or shadow, but I do not think I can explain that. 

I have many more weird habits, I think that this is enough for now. 

Sweet Sixteen

Tomorrow, the 9th of June, I will celebrate my 16th birthday! I have been counting down for this day since two months ago. It is currently 23.51 and I wonder how many people are going to say happy birthday at exactly twelve o' clock. Some people posted tweets like "Staying up until midnight to say 'Happy birthday!' to a good friend", so I am sort of figuring out how many people will do this. It doesn't say a lot, I guess, but I think I will feel a bit better if someone did.

I haven't felt rather cheerful lately. The reason why I felt like this is partially unknown. The feeling started in the end of last weekend. And it became worse and worse with every minute that passed, even now. I kind of know what causes me feeling miserable. I am confused about the way I think about people. Friends, or at least I thought they were. Some people I consider as good friends don't even seem to think the same way about me. The first person just texted me happy birthday, and it is my mother :) It is 0.01 right now. If there's something wrong with them, I am always there to help them out. But it seems like they don't want my help. The next to friends just texted me :) Oh, and another one! I think I don't need to write this down any more. 

But what I wanted to say is, I always feel like people don't want my help. Maybe because my advice sucks, or maybe they aren't close enough to me to let me help them. I don't know who my real friends are. Of course I know some people are really best friends with me, but there are also a lot of people who I doubt they feel about me the way they say they do.

I think that it will be good for me to not have contact with certain people for a certain time. And since it is almost summer holiday, this won't be very hard to succeed.

Oh, well, I a starting to feel guilty about writing this post in the first place. I think that ten people have texted me by now to tell me happy birthday. I should cut this off now, before I'll end up deleting it.

Anyway, tomorrow is my birthday, it is actually today since it is 0.11 right now. I really look forward to see some family I haven't seen for a really long time. And later, around five o' clock, my best friends will be here to join the barbecue. And after that, my other friends will arrive to celebrate and drink beer and whine, and watch football and have nationalistic feelings because of that. Yeah! I hope, and think, that tomorrow will be great! I will enjoy this entire day and night, and there will be taken a lot of pictures too.

At last, as you probably have noticed, I really cannot concentrate on anything I am doing. This blogpost mostly consists of composed whining and my English sucks even more than it normally does. I'll probably post a new post tomorrow. Maybe it will be very long, and it will probably be not even worth to read. We'll see.

Spirituality

Because I seem to have no internet connection on my laptop at the moment, I'm writing this post in WordPad (I don't seem to have a legit version of Microsoft Word either). It is around half past eleven and I have had the urge to write this blog post for a few hours now and it is about missing certain people, certain moments, or memories from what happened in the past. In the Netherlands, we got a show on television about Derek Ogilvie. If you don't know about this man, you should either Google his name, or read the following.

Derek Ogilvie is a really special man and he what does means a lot to me. He is a 'medium'. Or in other words; he can speak to dead people. He can see people who passed away and he can also communicate with them. In his show, he uses his gift to help people who lost a loved one, or have a child who cannot speak (like a child with autism or the Down Syndrome) and help them communicate with each other. I know that there are two ways someone can think about this. You either believe in this, or you just do not believe it. It is just as simple as that. I am someone who thinks this is true. That there are people who have a gift to see 'ghosts' and that they actually can communicate with them.

There are more people with this gift, obviously, and I know someone from the Netherlands, and I went to her for a so called 'reading'. And I don't remember all of it, but I can remember some things that really 'touched' me. I still know how the first question she asked me was: "Do you eat enough?". She really got straight to the main point I've been struggling with for over two years. She asked about this, and later told me who told her this thing about me, and apparently, it was my grandmother (my mother's mother) who passed away almost ten years ago. At first I didn't know what to think. During this 45-minute session I just listened to everything she told me, without thinking too much about it. I had time enough later to do that. And that is what I did. It is really strange to know that there are people watching over me and caring for me in the spirit world. And it was rather weird to hear that my grandma has always been there. She's been there all the time and she knows about what I did, why I did it, and how I felt. And when I think about that, I feel kind of sad. She is not here anymore and that sucks!

This woman, called Bep (must be a weird name for you, not Hollanders), also told me that I have an older brother up there in this spirit world. Before me, I mum had a miscarriage. I have been asking the same questions about this baby for months. Would it have been a boy or a girl? How old would it have been by now? What would he or she be called? But unfortunately (or luckily, it depends on from what kind of view you are looking at this topic), the baby was too young to know if it would have been a boy or a girl. But Bep told me that it would have been born as a boy. It is really hard to describe how happy I was to hear about this. I have always knows that I had another sibling, except for my little sister, but I didn’t know anything about him (or her, I didn’t know).

Bep also told me that everyone has a ghost with themselves. There is always someone up there in the spirit world looking after you, caring for you, and they even make sure that certain things like car accidents don’t happen. You might not notice, but these people are there for you. And since my mother went to Bep once already, last year, and told me about this, I’ve been wondering who might be with me all the time. I wanted to ask Bep this question, but she told me already. It is my little brother. Before I didn’t even know about his existence, but now I know that he’s here, I actually miss him having around. I wonder what kind of person he would have been. And how would he have looked like? Would I look like him? I also wonder what would have happened between my parents and that whole situation is he would have been born. These are questions that will never be answered. But it is okay.

I love how, since I know about my brother, I sometimes even think that I ‘feel’ him being around. When I think about him, or write about him (like I’m doing right now) and sometimes when I feel desperate or incredibly sad.

It might be rather weird for you, if you don’t believe this kinds of things exist, to read this. But I know what I feel, and what I hear.

There is another question I wanted to ask Bep. I’ve been thinking about a good question to asked her and I came up with this one. Is it possible that members of my family, or even myself, are also born with this gift to talk to dead people? And she told me yes. My little sister also has a ‘sixth sense’ and I seem to have one as well. She also told me that my little sister doesn’t really want to open up for all this spirituality, and because of that, she won’t be able to develop her gift. But I’ve always been really interested in this. Bep told me, as I said, that I was born with this gift, but that it will open up to me when I will be older. I will notice if the time is right and when it is happening, she told me to call her and she would help me with it. So she gave me her phone number. Her personal phone number. She rarely gives her personal phone number to strangers, except for me.

As you can see, I’m really interested in this, and things that are similar to this! I have always been and I will always be!