Feelings

I am not feeling very good, as I can say. Again, I can not really say that there is one single cause for this. As you may know, I think I might suffer from OCD. It has never been diagnosed, but I still recognize many symptoms. I just do not want to say that I have it, because I self hate it when people just use random illnesses and say that they suffer from it.
But it is getting worse and worse and I am feeling like I don't have any thing to say about it. It just happens. The past two day I, somehow, managed to not give in to 'the feeling' and the pressure, but now... I just don't know.
Every time I feel bad for no matter what reason, 'the feeling' comes and mostly doesn't leave for the rest of the day.
Today, I woke up feeling completely sick and ill. The reason why is rather funny. I went out with two of my best friends. We went out for dinner in a restaurant where you are allowed to eat as much food as we can, and drink as much drinks as we can. That is why we drunk a bit too much.
I woke up at half past six, because that is the time my mum's phone went off and I forgot to turn it off. I did not go back to sleep again afterwards. But I immediately felt horrible. As soon as my mum had left for work, I tried to come out of bed without feeling the urge to throw up, a several times. It took me a very long time to actually get out of bed and eat 'breakfast' (it wasn't a proper breakfast because I was afraid to throw up if I would eat something). And on Friday I have to deliver the mail, but since I did not have the time to sort out the mail on Thursday, I also had to do that the same morning. And that was terrible! I felt way to sick and I was constantly afraid to puke. Luckily that did not happen.
Around noon, my mum came back from her job. We talked and drunk some tea ans then we started to deliver the post. I think that fresh are was that I needed, because I started to feel a little bit better (even though I still feel a wave of sickness flowing through my body front time till time).
And in the evening we went to my dad's house. And that was when I started to feel bad, which caused 'the feeling' to show up again. I felt rather guilty, because I ate quite a lot and I dont want to gain weight since I've lost quite a bit already and I want to be able to feel secure about the way I look, that includes when I am walking around in bikini.
Tomorroq is NOT a day I am looking forward to. I have to dance in a show tomorrow and I have ZERO motivation to do that. I have to be there between 11.30 en 12.00, so obviously we will arrive there around 12.15.
A few drunk guys just dropped their phones on the ground while cycling past my house and now they are trying to find its battery.
I don't know how I am ever going to survive tomorrow, but I will do my best. I take my phone with me, obviously, and I shall bring my charger as well. I do not want to risk it being dead. I shall probably do nothing but tweeting all day long (except for a bit of dancing in between).
Anyway, I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a loooooonggg day.

Four/three positive things!

This is not going to be a whiny post! No, this one is actually going to be positive. I got four good things I want to write about and the first thing is that exam week is finally over! My last test was on last Friday and I am so happy it is over! I started learning two weeks before the exam week even started, and I have to tell you, it was exhausting. Since I have ADHD I have problem concentrating for longer that an half an hour straight, but I had to. And I did. For two weeks I did nothing else than studying, and it made me crazy. As soon as the actual exam week started, I was feeling kind of depressed, because I hadn't done much entertaining for me for two weeks. But I pushed myself further and further and I managed it somehow. Now that this week is over, and I got all my notes back, I see that all that work has not been for nothing. Except for one note (a 6.6), I got nothing below 7.1 and four of my notes are an 8 or higher. I think I may say that I can be proud of myself. I am very happy that I have no deadlines or stress for school. Summer holiday is now real close. I have to survive this week (a horrible week though) and after this week I can finally enjoy summer holiday. The only thing I have to do is return my books and then this school year is officially over.

The second good thing is that I now got a job. Two times a week I have to deliver post. I already told you that, but I am just so happy with it! After I am done tomorrow, I will get 42 euro already. And this work is not even that exhausting. On Mondays I do one hour of sorting the mail out, and on Tuesdays I need only around one hour to deliver them all. I get paid around 8.50 an hour! That is almost twice as much as most of my friends get paid. I have seriously NO regrets for applying for this job! There's nothing wrong with doing four hours of work during summer holiday, I probably will not have something better to do all day long, so why not making myself useful? I really hope I can stay after summer holiday. Because this is only a job for the holiday, but I hope that they won't fire me. They need someone for this district, so if I will do my best, why would they fire me? Let's hope for the best!

The third thing I am happy about is that I lost weight. I have been 'dieting' for a month now, but I only have been doing it rather seriously for a week now and it worked out already. Even though I went out eating two times this week, and one other time has yet to come, I lost around 2.5 kilos. I don't eat any chips or other kinds of sweats any more, and I started sporting a bit more, and I think I can see the difference already. I have three and a half weeks left before I go to Italy with my dad for a week, so if I can keep up the good work, I will be satisfied enough by then!

I actually forgot the last thing, so I cannot tell you, unfortunately, but maybe I will think of it later! This was just a little update, and for now, it is enough. I will take a shower now, and work some more on my photo album about my school trip to London from seven weeks ago, with my mum. Then I will probably eat something nice and then snuggle into my warm bed, hoping I will not fall asleep too soon, because I have to go back to school again tomorrow. A short day, fortunately, so I will survive!

Even more whining

I feel like all the posts I write are about nothing really. There is not just one topic I talk about. It includes random sentences, but it is not a story. Also I think that all my previous posts consist of whining and complaining. And this one is already the same as all the other ones. Because what I wanted to write about now, is that I've found myself in a negative spiral. Every day is the same.

I wake up in the morning, get behind my computer and make myself ready for school. When I arrive there, I'm nothing but stressed about the upcoming exams I have to do (I'm in the middle of my exam week). Then I go home. Study for the test I have the next day and as soon as I finish that, I feel fine for about an hour. After that hour I start to feel worse and worse and worse. The only thing I want to do all day is sleeping. I don't have the energy to do something, and even when I wake up, I still feel tired. But when I try to think of a reason why I feel so sad and desperate every time, I can't think of it. I just feel like this, and there is no proper reason.

That is actually the problem. I feel bad without a reason. When I feel bad, and I know why I do, I try to solve the problem, or say to myself that, whatever is wrong, it will go away eventually. But now I know there is nothing actually wrong, I can't myself that everything will be all right, because things are right. There are a few problems that I'm worried about, of course, but nothing big.

Now I feel bad again, and I still don't know why. I feel tired all day, I have headaches all the time, and I don't look forward to anything (except for the upcoming weeks I am going to Italy and Crete), but even when I think about that, I don't feel any better. When someone asks me what is wrong, I can't say what is, because I don't know. All this is really confusing and I'm tired of it.

When will this go away...

As long as I can remember I have always loved writing. No matter what, I always loved it. I started writing little stories when I was around the time I just learned how to write all the letters of the alphabet. I had two little kids I always wrote stories about, they were twin brother and sister. Their names where Bart and Lisa. Two very common names here in Holland. Every time I got some time that I could spend on my own (which was a lot, since one doesn't have many responsibilities at an age like that), I wrote little stories, from about a full paper (A4-format) about their lives and what kind of adventures they experienced. I was always the one in my class that actually got excited when we had to write again. And later, when I was a lit older, I bought a diary to write in. I must have been around age seven, I assume,

Since I really really loved writing, I did it a lot. But sometimes I just wanted to write stories without having to think about things all over and over again. That was when I made my first ever weblog. I think I was around twelve years old. At first, I didn't even publish what I wrote. I just wrote what was on my mind, and saved my writing on my computer. But later I thought it would be funny to publish my writings.


I regularly updated my blog, and I loved to do that every time. I have used that blog for over two years. I eventually stopped using weblog.nl to update my blog, because the website pretty much sucked. At first I didn't really care about it. But later it started to annoy me that there weren't much different themes to choose and making one myself wasn't a good choice either, since I had no sense of how to work with HTML. 
I stopped writing because I went to a forum as well, where I wrote into my diary I had there daily, and I didn't feel like writing things twice.

After I was banned from that forum :( I wanted to have my blog back. But to go back to my old blog, where I hadn't been posting for over a year, I decided to make a new one. I had read that the website that I used to blog on, was going to undergo an update. I had to wait a few weeks before I could make a new account. I was curious about the new update, so I decided to wait that few weeks. But the update did not take place. Something went wrong, they said. I was really curious about the new update, and I waited a bit longer... and longer, and longer and longer... The website completely crashed. Eventually it took them around half a year, if not longer, to repair all the damaged done to the website. I didn't want to wait so long. So I tried to open my old blog again, but because my old email address has been hacked, I could get my new password, and so I didn't have access to my blog any more. I tried so many things and contacted the people of the website so many times, but it wasn't possible to get my old and loved blog back.

If you are interested in my old weblog, you can find it here. Mind that it is all written in Dutch.


I'm still very angry with the website that they fucked shit up and that I am the victim. I want my old blog back. At least I want access to it. It is my right.

Anyway, something totally off topic. I applied for a job a few weeks ago and I start this week. I have to deliver mail. Today I got my first mail to deliver. I sorted them out, and tomorrow I'll deliver them. I'm really looking forward to do this during summer holiday. I don't have anything to do all day, when I'm still at home. I'll will also go to Italy and later I will go to Crete, Chersonissos, which I'm really looking forward to. I have been feeling homesick since I'm back in Holland.


But for the rest of the vacation, I will probably have nothing to do, and therefore do nothing else than lying in bed and then snuggle out of bed, and play Minecraft all day long (probably even night). So I can try to make myself useful and bring all those helpless people their mail...

No, that is not why I applied for the job. I did it because they pay really well. I'll receive around 130 euro this month. And I'm looking forward to that! I have no idea what I am going to as soon as I get the money. I think I'll just save it up, to never buy things later. 

Aaaannnd, my mood just got completely ruined. I want to hit people with a raker. Yes. Thank you, thanks again. 

I am so sick of this crap. Why do I always have to feel like shit at least three hours a day, if not longer?  I can't stand it any more. During the day, I constantly try not to cry. Why do I even feel like this? I have no worthy reason to feel like shit all day. There are no such things wrong that I have to feel like crying all day, so why do I? I just comes out of the blue.

Well, that was it then... I'm sorry that I'm always whining about every thing and everyone. 

Quick post

Heellooo theerreeee!

It's father's day today and therefore I am at my grandpa's house with my father and co. My grandpa and grandma live in a city called Leiden. I was born there too, and I have lived there until six years ago. Six years ago, my parents divorced and we moved to Delft, which is about half an hour away from Leiden by car. Every time I get back here in Leiden I feel, it feels like home. So I feel pretty fine right now.

Also, we are going out to dinner in a Greek restaurant and I am looking forward to it. I love Leiden and I love Greece, so that combination is even better.

I can't wait to go to Crete again this summer. I have so many good memories of that place. Every time I think about it, I want to go back there.

Anyway, I wanted to write a little bit more than this, but we're leaving right now! You'll here more from me later!

OCD much?

I have lots of weird habits. I did an OCD-online test lately and it said that the change that I have OCD is like 90 percent. But when I did another test, it said that I probably don’t have it. I’m a bit confused about this now, but here are some habits of mine.

Always when I touch a certain object with, for example, my right hand, I also have to do it with my left hand. And if the way I touch the object isn’t the same, I have to do them BOTH again. 

For example: when I am walking down the stairs and I bump my left arm against the wall, I have to BUMP my right arm against the wall, at the same spot, as well. But when I accidentally slip my arm against the wall, I have to try again to bump it against the wall, and then slip my left arm against the wall to equal the slipping and bumping.

I have another annoying habit that has to do with reading, writing and reading out loud. When I’m reading through a post, it doesn’t matter what post, I have to finish the whole post. So, if it is something that it not interesting for me, I still have to read through the whole post. 

Also when I mess up reading it (as in; reading a word wrong) I have to reread the whole sentence. This also goes for writing. Mostly writing on the computer. When I am typing a word and I mess up, I have to delete the whole word (it doesn't matter how many letters the word counts) and type it in again. 

And another thing I have is when I am just thinking about random things and it ‘might be interpret as an prediction’ I have to knock twice on something (I forgot the English word for this). If there is wood inside the room I am, I have to knock twice on wood. Sometimes this happens when I’m on my way to school and there is no wood around. Then I just knock my hands against each other, then clap twice in my hands and then got back to cycling. 

This can be rather dangerous when I am near driving cars or other people. 

And there is one other thing I can think of right now. When I am listening to music, no matter where or with who, I have to, again, do the knocking thing, and then tap my both feet on the ground, just before the beat drops. 

Also I have this weird habit of sniffing with my nose all the time. I randomly take a deep breath, then quickly exhale and if it does not feel right, I have to do this all again. 

And the last one for now. This one is random, and it can pop up at any time.

Example: when I am looking at a television, and this I got the feeling I have to do it, I have to look away or do the knocking thing again, before the camera switches to another point of view, if you know what I mean.
This can also relate to things like switching the light on or off.

And there is one other thing that has to do with walking on different colours of bricks or shadow, but I do not think I can explain that. 

I have many more weird habits, I think that this is enough for now. 

Sweet Sixteen

Tomorrow, the 9th of June, I will celebrate my 16th birthday! I have been counting down for this day since two months ago. It is currently 23.51 and I wonder how many people are going to say happy birthday at exactly twelve o' clock. Some people posted tweets like "Staying up until midnight to say 'Happy birthday!' to a good friend", so I am sort of figuring out how many people will do this. It doesn't say a lot, I guess, but I think I will feel a bit better if someone did.

I haven't felt rather cheerful lately. The reason why I felt like this is partially unknown. The feeling started in the end of last weekend. And it became worse and worse with every minute that passed, even now. I kind of know what causes me feeling miserable. I am confused about the way I think about people. Friends, or at least I thought they were. Some people I consider as good friends don't even seem to think the same way about me. The first person just texted me happy birthday, and it is my mother :) It is 0.01 right now. If there's something wrong with them, I am always there to help them out. But it seems like they don't want my help. The next to friends just texted me :) Oh, and another one! I think I don't need to write this down any more. 

But what I wanted to say is, I always feel like people don't want my help. Maybe because my advice sucks, or maybe they aren't close enough to me to let me help them. I don't know who my real friends are. Of course I know some people are really best friends with me, but there are also a lot of people who I doubt they feel about me the way they say they do.

I think that it will be good for me to not have contact with certain people for a certain time. And since it is almost summer holiday, this won't be very hard to succeed.

Oh, well, I a starting to feel guilty about writing this post in the first place. I think that ten people have texted me by now to tell me happy birthday. I should cut this off now, before I'll end up deleting it.

Anyway, tomorrow is my birthday, it is actually today since it is 0.11 right now. I really look forward to see some family I haven't seen for a really long time. And later, around five o' clock, my best friends will be here to join the barbecue. And after that, my other friends will arrive to celebrate and drink beer and whine, and watch football and have nationalistic feelings because of that. Yeah! I hope, and think, that tomorrow will be great! I will enjoy this entire day and night, and there will be taken a lot of pictures too.

At last, as you probably have noticed, I really cannot concentrate on anything I am doing. This blogpost mostly consists of composed whining and my English sucks even more than it normally does. I'll probably post a new post tomorrow. Maybe it will be very long, and it will probably be not even worth to read. We'll see.

Spirituality

Because I seem to have no internet connection on my laptop at the moment, I'm writing this post in WordPad (I don't seem to have a legit version of Microsoft Word either). It is around half past eleven and I have had the urge to write this blog post for a few hours now and it is about missing certain people, certain moments, or memories from what happened in the past. In the Netherlands, we got a show on television about Derek Ogilvie. If you don't know about this man, you should either Google his name, or read the following.

Derek Ogilvie is a really special man and he what does means a lot to me. He is a 'medium'. Or in other words; he can speak to dead people. He can see people who passed away and he can also communicate with them. In his show, he uses his gift to help people who lost a loved one, or have a child who cannot speak (like a child with autism or the Down Syndrome) and help them communicate with each other. I know that there are two ways someone can think about this. You either believe in this, or you just do not believe it. It is just as simple as that. I am someone who thinks this is true. That there are people who have a gift to see 'ghosts' and that they actually can communicate with them.

There are more people with this gift, obviously, and I know someone from the Netherlands, and I went to her for a so called 'reading'. And I don't remember all of it, but I can remember some things that really 'touched' me. I still know how the first question she asked me was: "Do you eat enough?". She really got straight to the main point I've been struggling with for over two years. She asked about this, and later told me who told her this thing about me, and apparently, it was my grandmother (my mother's mother) who passed away almost ten years ago. At first I didn't know what to think. During this 45-minute session I just listened to everything she told me, without thinking too much about it. I had time enough later to do that. And that is what I did. It is really strange to know that there are people watching over me and caring for me in the spirit world. And it was rather weird to hear that my grandma has always been there. She's been there all the time and she knows about what I did, why I did it, and how I felt. And when I think about that, I feel kind of sad. She is not here anymore and that sucks!

This woman, called Bep (must be a weird name for you, not Hollanders), also told me that I have an older brother up there in this spirit world. Before me, I mum had a miscarriage. I have been asking the same questions about this baby for months. Would it have been a boy or a girl? How old would it have been by now? What would he or she be called? But unfortunately (or luckily, it depends on from what kind of view you are looking at this topic), the baby was too young to know if it would have been a boy or a girl. But Bep told me that it would have been born as a boy. It is really hard to describe how happy I was to hear about this. I have always knows that I had another sibling, except for my little sister, but I didn’t know anything about him (or her, I didn’t know).

Bep also told me that everyone has a ghost with themselves. There is always someone up there in the spirit world looking after you, caring for you, and they even make sure that certain things like car accidents don’t happen. You might not notice, but these people are there for you. And since my mother went to Bep once already, last year, and told me about this, I’ve been wondering who might be with me all the time. I wanted to ask Bep this question, but she told me already. It is my little brother. Before I didn’t even know about his existence, but now I know that he’s here, I actually miss him having around. I wonder what kind of person he would have been. And how would he have looked like? Would I look like him? I also wonder what would have happened between my parents and that whole situation is he would have been born. These are questions that will never be answered. But it is okay.

I love how, since I know about my brother, I sometimes even think that I ‘feel’ him being around. When I think about him, or write about him (like I’m doing right now) and sometimes when I feel desperate or incredibly sad.

It might be rather weird for you, if you don’t believe this kinds of things exist, to read this. But I know what I feel, and what I hear.

There is another question I wanted to ask Bep. I’ve been thinking about a good question to asked her and I came up with this one. Is it possible that members of my family, or even myself, are also born with this gift to talk to dead people? And she told me yes. My little sister also has a ‘sixth sense’ and I seem to have one as well. She also told me that my little sister doesn’t really want to open up for all this spirituality, and because of that, she won’t be able to develop her gift. But I’ve always been really interested in this. Bep told me, as I said, that I was born with this gift, but that it will open up to me when I will be older. I will notice if the time is right and when it is happening, she told me to call her and she would help me with it. So she gave me her phone number. Her personal phone number. She rarely gives her personal phone number to strangers, except for me.

As you can see, I’m really interested in this, and things that are similar to this! I have always been and I will always be! 

Colours

Hello there, I dyed my hair... again. I like dyeing my hair. After a while, like three months, I want a new colour. To have the same colour of hair for a long time gets boring, at least, I think so. So I dye my hair every three or four months into another colour. I've had a few colours already. My own colour is brown. A little bit a darker kind of brown.

First I dyed some parts of my hair blonde, and I did that a few times, and I liked it. But I wanted something different. So I dyed my hair red. It looked like this:

But unfortunately, I discovered that I am allergic to something that was in this hair dye. The evening I dyed my hair this colour, my head started to itch. It got worse and worse. But it also started to hurt really badly. I couldn't even get to sleep because of the itch and the pain. I was so scared so I didn't want to dye it again.

Then I saw something on the internet about this allergic reaction I had. Apparently I am allergic to a substance called PPD or something. And when I wanted to dye my hair again, this time bright red, I looked for an hair dye without this stuff. And I found one. This is what it looked like when I dyed it 'red':

It turned out to be orange-ish, but I still liked it really much. It was an awesome colour. 

After that I dyed my hair back to brown. I missed my old hair colour, the red/orange one, right after I dyed it brown again, but I still liked the colour. And again, I got some allergic reaction, but it wasn't as bad as it was with the red colour, so I could handle it.

But today I dyed my hair again. I like the dip-dyeing thing. I ordered some blue hair dye. But that will be here in two weeks. In the meantime, I dip-dyed it red. And here's a picture!

So that's it for now!