Return

Since I felt like I want to be more aware of how I feel and how I act, also regarding to the whole OCD thing, I decided to get back to one of the most loving communities I've ever been part of: Proud. I've been talking about this website and forum before, but if you are new, I will explain what it is. Proud is a website with information about eating disorders for people who have troubles with eating or want information about these mental illnesses. It also has a forum where people, mostly females, can talk with each other about their problems, ask for advice or simply about things they like. I’ve been on that website a long time ago for a long time and back then, it helped me realize that I was doing the wrong thing. I am happy it helped me realize a lot of things and, partly because of the website and its members, I can now call myself ED-free.

Some time ago, when I had no longer problems with eating, I returned to the website to thank the people who helped me and to apologize, because I misbehaved miserably and I felt bad for what I did and what I said. But after some time, I started to notice that being in their presence and in those kind of environments, only made me more conscious about food, my weight and most importantly, losing weight. The best thing I could do, back then, was leaving the website once more and focussing more on other things in life. Obviously, I wasn’t ready yet to get back there.

But again, after a year or so, I wanted to get back to Proud, because I missed it’s loving and accepting community so much and I felt like I needed support with battling the troubles I am having now. I have truly been searching for a community like Proud, but instead of focussing on eating disorders, I wanted to find something that was made for people with obsessive compulsive disorder, so I could mainly focus on that. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anything.

That’s what made me return to Proud once more. Right now, I am not yet very active on the forum, but I want to be again and I would like to make ‘friends’ too. I might even meet some people who are battling the same problems! Anyway, the members of the forum said they accept me being there, even though I am not there for troubles with eating.

On the forum, members can open a thread that they call their ‘diary’. It’s basically a thread where they will write from time till time about what they think and how they feel. I opened one as well. Hopefully, I will be more active on the website, because I really enjoyed it back then!

That’s all, I suppose. I wanted to update you all with this information. Oh, and you may have noticed some changes in my blog! I was getting bored with the old theme and shit, so I changed it. Let me know what you think. 

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

A few days ago, I found out that people still don't believe me, think I am an attention seeker or whatever kind of negative thought there are going around about me, but I found out that these negativity around me still exist on Twitter with some "friends". And last week, I decided that I was so fucking done with it. If people do not believe me on my words, without prove, I don't want you in my life anymore. So, I quit Twitter. I don't know yet for how long, but at least for now, because people obviously don't care about me. If you need prove in order to believe a friend? No, then you are obviously not a friend. If those people really care about me, they'll notice me being gone and they will talk to me directly, through WhatsApp, Skype of text or even call me. Only two people has done that thus far (which aren't people that are very active on Twitter), so I guess that already is a statement made here.

I think we all know what I am talking about here. About the intrusive thoughts, that people I am faking. Yeah right! Because it's funny to make yourself so scared of dying, or to make myself think that my mum, dad, sister, best friend, grandpa, grandma will get cancer and die or get hit by a car, if I do not touch this four times (times four, times four, times four, etc). Or to hurt yourself an certain amount of times just to be sure I didn't just cause a tumor growing inside my head? Really funny.

Also, I am obviously faking it, because I try so freaking hard not to act on my thoughts when there are other people around and making up excuses when people asks why I am putting down my glas eight times in a row. If I would be faking it, I think I would definitely use some different approaches, but it seems that no one has thought of that yet.

These "friends" need a prove, a diagnosis from a psychologist before they believe that I repeat every word that I read, say or write four times or until it is right, in order to prevent people from dying, to prevent them from dying. They need a diagnosis before they believe that I cannot simply can get out of bed in the morning, because I need to do certain things in a certain way a certain amount of times before I can even get out of bed to do even more rituals.

Listen to me when I say that everything I do, costs me at least twice as much time, because of these thought. Why would anyone want to fake such a thing? I never claimed to be diagnosed or something like that. I just know that these thoughts, these feelings, these actions aren't right. They aren't normal. Don't you all think I talked about this with hundred of people, googled shit tons, read books, websites, blogs, stories, before I even thought about the disorder OCD? It's not like I looked through a book with disorders and picked this one and thought Hey, this one seems funny! Let's become like this from now on!

Remember that this is already going on for three years? I was experiencing this for like one year and a half before I even talked about it to someone. Why would I do that, huh? But it learned me something: that no one can be trusted. Everyone will talk about you behind your back somewhere in time. No one will actually take you seriously. They don't care, until you have prove. There are two people, two friends, who seem to believe me. Well, if that's all I got, I don't need anyone at all. I beat an eating disorder on my own before (oh, I also faked that one too :-) starved myself to death until I weighed only 38 kilos just for fun!), so I can do this on my own too. I don't even need these people anymore. I don't even want their recognition anymore.

From now on, I, again, suffer in silence. Let's live by the motto What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! If I can fight this, if I am strong enough, I will beat this. Then I will survive. If I can't do it any longer, I'll just put an end to it all. And yeah, I am going to do it my way. Period.

Update

Let's write a quick update here....

There's something I decided. I stopped using twitter, at least for now. There's no point using it. I keep on annoying people with either my opinions or with my whining about personal problems, which people not seem to care about. These 'fake friends' I got (and obviously I do not mean all my friends) like to make fun of me when I rage or when I feel anxious, and when I am serious about something, they like to laugh at me in my face.

I am so done with that. I am sick of it. That's why I stopped using Twitter. And I will not be bothered about missing social events by not using Twitter. That's because I only want to be invited to parties or something when people actually like my presents, not only to just fill up space. And if they really like me being on their party for who I am, they will message me or give me a call. If I do not receive any messages any more, then at least I know where I stand. 

That's all. 

Late night thoughts #1

There's a thing I think I need to do, and I hope it will help me. The plan is that I am just going to write down my thoughts and concerns, the intrusive thoughts I have. I also write down what the compulsions I do, or want to do. The purpose is to help me prevent actually doing the compulsions and rituals that come with the intrusive thoughts.

So, you can expect such tiny posts soon :)

Happy new year everyone!

What I'd like to do, is to write something about last year. What happened and how I changed, some people I met and some people I let go off. You know, that kinda stuff. I don't want to make it sound all sentimental 'n stuff, but let's just make an overview of the year.

What happened this year? Lots of things actually. If I look back on some good intentions I made up for myself last year, I can say I failed, miserably. Three things that were on that list are:

• no further contact with a certain person
• get rid of these annoying and ridiculous compulsions
• no smoking

The first thing isn't really that big of a problem. Actually, it's a good thing I "failed" at this one. I used to have many fights with this person and my hate for him grew bigger and bigger, so I decided it would be a good thing to stop having contact with him. It only made me angry all the time and I think it goes exactly the same for him. I unfollowed him on Twitter and Tumblr, deleted his number from my phone and blocked him on all social media, so I wouldn't see any more status updates of him. After a fair amount of time, we started talking again. I don't even remember why we did, and how my mind changed about him, but it kind of happened. Of course, we had some things we had to talk about, which we did, and now, we're all fine again and I am very glad about that. 

Second, these compulsions things. It's been variable throughout the year, to be honest. For as far as I remember, it was at a medium level at the beginning of the year, when later it got worse and worse and I never felt that bad in a really long time. Around my exams, it was almost unbearable, especially when there was a big problem with the exams later and there was a risk that I had to do them all over again. Of course, I thought it was my fault and I didn't dare to move an inch. It was horrible. But in the end, everything was okay, and as soon as summer holiday began, it got a bit better. I had a good period around september/october, when later it got worse again, but not as bad as it was before. Now, I am kinda good and I can live with it at the moment. 

And the last thing is something I do not want to talk about :)

This was also the year of pushing boundaries, in a good way, but also in a bad way. But let's not talk about that too much!

That was about my biggest things in the last year. Let's hope this coming year will be better than last year. Hope you all had a good year too :)

Even though I do not like to say that I ‘selfharm’, I do need to admit that I hurt myself from time to time, and that it is a big relief every time I do so. I don’t do it very often, but it does happen.

The reason I do selfharm is that I need to express my anger in a way. When I am angry, I get the feeling I need to throw with things. I do not want to hurt anyone or break my stuff, so I do not throw with things. Instead, I hurt myself. In that way, nobody gets hurt and no items get broken. The only person who gets involved with my frustration or anger is me.

I do not care that I hurt myself to get rid of the anger, because I hate myself very much. I think I deserve this. I know I deserve it. I deserve to get this anger and frustration and to hurt myself because of that. I do not feel guilty when I selfharm. That’s because I feel like that is what belongs to me.

And believe it or not, I do NOT selfharm for attention. No one actually knows about my selfharming. I don’t even know if everyone would actually call it selfharm, since I do not really cut myself. I’d say it’s selfharm, and there are probably a lot of people around me who call it selfharm too, but I know there are lots of people who only count cutting in as selfharm.

I just wanted to say this. And as this is my personal blog, I feel like I can post it on here

Tired

Sorry to say this, but I am tired. I am so tired of everything. I am tired of how things are going right now. My head is exploding and I cannot do anything about it all. If this shit goes on for too long, I don't know what will happen next.

I'm done

I could just leave now. There's nothing left to stay for.

Social work

Last year, I finished middle school and this year I am starting a study at the The Hague University. I am very excited about it. The study I have chosen to start is Social work. We call it SPH in Dutch. If you study SPH, you learn how to help people to rearrange things in their life, and it is mostly about a group of people with a certain mental illness or disability. The reason I want to do this study, is because I really like to help people when they are in trouble, and I am very interested in various types of mental illnesses, also because I do have experiences with mental illnesses myself. I think I can help people, because I have have experienced some illnesses myself, and because I will be a professional, who has medical knowledge about certain disabilities.

To start this study, the HHS (The Hague University) organised a introduction camp to get to know each other. We did several games and activities to get to know the other students, but also to get to know the teachers and about the subjects they teach us. Last Monday, I had to get up very early, because I had to catch the train to go all the way to Den Helder, which is in North Holland. When I arrived there, I went to Texel, where the camp was, by a ferryboat. I didn't want to be too late, so I made sure I was there a bit too early. I wasn't a bit too early. I was there one hour before other people came too. It was not problem, though, I was not completely on my own. When all the other students and some teachers had arrived, we went to the Stayokay hostel by bike. It was a nice ride, with the wind and the sun was shining and it smelled nice. First thing we did when we came there was gathering together with my classmates and we practised each others' names. Turned out that I was the youngest student in my class, and the oldest one is twenty five and already has a little daughter. Everyone thought I was cute.

Later on, we went outside to play games. The funny thing is that all the games had to do something with trust and teamwork, and I could see the connection between those games and the study we start with. That took us kind of the whole day. When we finished playing games, we went into our rooms and get ready for dinner. The food was good, I have to say. I totally expected to get disgusting fries or something, but I actually was pretty delicious. One thing I was not very happy about, was that the plates and knifes and forks were pretty dirty. Most of cutlery wasn't very clean and it had bits of old food attached to it. Oh well.

That evening we played a game called foxhound, and they made the game about different kind of mental illnesses and disabilities, which was very interesting and funny at the same time. We basically had to walk around town in the night and had to look for people who were dressed and acted like people with certain mental illnesses. Then we had to answer a question about that and we got a piece of the puzzle we had to make in the end. My class was the fourth one to go hunting, and we were the first one to come back. Unfortunately, we didn't have all the pieces, because there was some miscommunication going on, so we didn't win the game, but we had fun and it was interesting, and that is the important thing.

The next day we had to get out of bed around eight o'clock, which I think isn't very early at all. Again, we went to play games. There is a Dutch television show called I love Holland, where they play games and answer questions about the Netherlands. That is the game we played and it was fun. Obviously they made the game about things that have to do with my study, so it was very interesting and a bit fun to play too. And we didn't win this game, which I don't think is a problem.

After this games, we went to the beach with all those two hundred thirty five students, where we were told about the teachers and about the subject they will be going to teach us about. That was clever thing to do, because now I know some things about the subjects. When we got back in the Stayokay hostel, everyone had to make a short play about a certain type of people who could be looking for help with a SPHer. We had to do the prostitutes. I think our play was very good, and I hope more people thought so too.

That evening, all there was, was a party. Everyone had to put on clothes fitting in a certain theme, and it was nice to see that lots of people were dressed funny. I had a nice costume too.

The next, and last, day of the camp. We didn't do very much at all. We gathered around with our class and our counsellor told us things about the school and we got our timetable. And played a little game. And already did some homework kind of things with each other. My timetable is pretty good, for now. I don't have any lessons at Mondays, so I will have a longer weekend than I used to have, and I am very happy about that, because I really hate Mondays. On Tuesday, my first lesson starts at a quarter to nine, and my last one finishes at a quarter past four. On Wednesdays, I start at half past ten and go home at a quarter past five. Thursdays are okay too; from half past ten until a quarter past four. I really love my Fridays, though! I am finished with my lessons at twelve o'clock! That means I have a pretty long weekend!

Today and tomorrow, I don't have to go to school! Tuesday my new study and my new life will start! It does feel like that though, because I really hated middle school, and I hope things will be a bit better :)

I will write more about my life and about experiences with this new school, these new people from time till time!

I really do not know how much longer I can take this bullshit before seriously injure myself sometime soon. For real.

Old

Hello there. It is me again. Let'a write a little bit of a quick update here.

Well, where to start... At first, I have been to Crete again! I have been there 17 days and they have been lovely. I really enjoyed it. I also made videos while I was there. These little videos am I going to edit all together so that it is one big vlog. I try to delete as many useless parts of the footage, because otherwise the video would be WAY too long for a vlog (45 minutes).

So, if you're interested in that, you gotta wait for the vlog to be uploaded! Of course, I will put a link to the vlog on this blog c:

In other news. I am in France right now. It probably sounds very spoiled, but i go on holiday twice. Once with my mum and the second time, I go with my dad. Usually to France or Italy or some sort of place. With my mum I always go to Crete. We have got many memories to that place. And luckily, my mum things about it the same way as I do.
The weather here is pretty nice. It is hot during the day and at night it feels like I am freezing. You're probably not interested in the weather forecast from la France. My holiday over here has been great so far. Went to the beach and I am reading my second book of the week: The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. What... Again? Yeah, I can hear you thinking. I have never read more than half way through the book. I don't remember why I stopped reading. I just did. Since reading is what I mostly do while on holiday, next to writing, I decided to give it another try. And it is working.

CRETE

Hello there.
I know, I know. Long time no see. I am so sorry. It has been a long time. There is no particular reason that I haven't written in a long time. I guess it's a combination of a few things. Since I have got vacation since the end of May, nothing special has happened, for example, on school. Simply because I do not go there anymore. I can tell you that I graduated! Yay! Happy me! For real, I am so happy I am finally DONE with that horrible place and that I no longer need to go there.
Second reason I do not write that often is; and again, I am sorry to begin about this again, it is because the thoughts and the compulsions and everything. Let's not go into detail about this topic. Let's say it makes simple things like just writing a blogpost very hard.
But because I didn't write for long, I now actually have something to talk about. I am on holiday, right now, as we speak. I am in Crete (or is it "on" Crete) with my mum, "stepdad" and my little sister. We arrived here four days ago. I made a video about the first three days and it is on YouTube, so if you want to see it, I will give you a link :)
One thing I can tell you is that there is a guy over here, I guess he's around 40 years old and he looks at girls all the time. He also looks at me. He follows me around and he is everywhere. That's not only with me. Also with a few other girls. We have one thing in common. We are all not much older than twenty. Dirty little creep, he is.
Tomorrow, we are going to rent a car and drive a little bit around the island. I have got a few mosquito bites already. My whole body is a bit itchy.
Haha! When my little sister and I were walking around town together in the evening, all those club owners tried to convince us to get inside their clubs. What they don't know is that I am "only" seventeen years old and that my little sister is only TWELVE. The age for legally drinking alcohol is eighteen over here. Apparently, we look old. That actually is something I rather enjoyed!
Oh; one last thing! Ouzo is very tasty and gets you tipsy very quickly. :)

So, hi, everyone! If you're still around here... I am sorry for not posting for such a long time. I guess nothing special happened... Again. My life is pretty boring, as you see. Well, a few things happened, so that's why I am writing a new post right now.

The first thing is, I GRADUATED! I am very happy to be done, finally finished, DONE! OVER! :D I can't say more things about it, because it is just how it is, and yeah... I can't make it seem more interesting than it looks.

The other thing is, that I am in love with someone! :O I won't tell too much about that, though, because it could cause some big shit, and I really do not want that to happen!

And I am going on vacation today :) I will upload videos on a YouTube channel and on a Keek account, so if you want to follow me, you can by searching for beekmankim on Keek and for GeekyPeach on YouTube :) I will upload videos, but I do not know how often and stuff :)

χρονια πολλα

Yay! Happy birthday to me! :D 

Today I am 17 years old! 

Let's be happy today! 

Goodbye!

By the way, I am Dutch, I just know Greek. So I am not from Greece :) 

OCD Recovery

Gosh, I cannot stand it any longer. I can't handle this any more. The OCD... really, it's getting out of hand. It started with some little annoying things, but it became worse and worse over time. I am not even able to write this blog without having problems with it. Approximately, I am being affected by these instructive thoughts for over three hours a day, if not more. Going to sleep is a hell, getting out of bed isn't that big of a deal yet, but I don't know how long it will take for the OCD to make a problem out of that too. I have to be aware of what I'm saying, doing and even thinking all day long and it's making me go crazy! I really need to stop this now! And I know what I am going to try!

Some people say it's good to talk about your problems, right? Well, I am going to do that. On my blog. Only on my blog. Why only on my blog, you might want to ask? I can explain that. First of all, I am not going to tell my parents. And why not? Because I do not want to. I do not want to know my parents about this ridiculous I am going through. My situation is a bit weird and I do not feel like explaining it, but believe me, it would be hard to tell it in this situation. I once told my parents something that happened, and really didn't think it helped me. It only made things awkward and I really do not want that to happen again. I suffered from another disorder a while ago, and I also managed to overcome that without telling my parents. And yes, that problem was rather serious, so don't tell me it wasn't real, because it was real. If I was strong enough to get over that disorder, then why wouldn't I be able to solve this problem on my own too? Right.

I also cannot discuss this with my friends, because people somehow don't seem to take me seriously, because I do not want to tell my parents and get professional help for it. Well, I made it pretty clear now why that is, and still they think I am exaggerating this, even though I am clearly not. And it also isn't really helping that a lot people use OCD as something cool. Example: Look! I made my room nice and neat! Oh my God, I am so OCD! Shall I tell you something funny? Having OCD is not funny and it is not to be joked about, unless you have the permission to do so.

I will go to the library soon and get the book Getting Control from Lee Baer and I hope it will help me. It might help, it might not. If it doesn't help, I know something else I can try. I will be going to a new school next year, if I did a good job and pass my exams. Then I will be doing the study Social Work, where it is important to know yourself, so we will be getting a subject where we will kind of have our own therapies or something, so maybe that will be able to help me get rid of this OCD too.

What I actually wanted to tell with this blog is that I will be posting more OCD related posts on this blog and I hope it will help me!

A look inside my mind

Good morning world! This is going to be a nice day! Let’s get out of bed!

Touch that door four times 
Walk out of your room 
Walk back in 
And out 
Walk downstairs
Touch wood 
Touch wood 
Touch wood 

Hmm, I'm hungry, I should go eat something.

Let’s make this a bit more complicated than it should be. 

Okay, act normal. Please!

One, two, three, four 
One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four 
One, two, three, four 

Okay, nope. I need to stop this?!

No, do it or your mum dies. And your grannies, your father, your sister and friends. They get sick, or a car hits them… Whatever you want. It’s your choice. 

I do not want that. I love them! Let’s continue this then…

One, two, three, four 
Knock, knock 
Touch wood, touch wood 

And repeat…

Shaun T's Insanity Work Out

Summer is coming, my exams are over (I will write more about that later), so I've got lots of spare time, and today I found out about Shaun T's Insanity work out. It's a training program with a very hard schedule, but it works like CRAZY! You do this training one hour every day, and then rest one day. It differs from other trainers, because normally you rest more and then give all the power you have. In this training, it works exactly the other way around. You rest less and just go, go, go!

I started today, and made a before picture. Over 30 days, I will make a picture again to see the progress, and then at the end (after 60 days), I take the last picture. I'm very excited for this training! You see so many good results!

That's about all I write now! I am sorry that I don't write that often. There's just nothing happening here, so I don't know what I can write about.

All I can say is that this OCD is getting worse and worse. But that's not really something nice, so just let's forget about that, shall we? 

Bored lol

Hi, I'm Raya very good friend of Kim :3 and poof poof meow so yeah hello internet :b uh yeah bye

PINK

I've got pink hair!

That's it. Pink hair!

Training

Summer is coming, and we all know what that means, right? Yeah, you're right, we have to get in shape again to walk around in short trousers and bikinis. At least, I want to get in shape. Therefore I started exercising again. I started eating healthy again and my mother bought a think to train your belly with, which is very nice. I am more motivated to do sit-ups and somehow I can go on longer than when I do not use it. 

What my training means is that I do around 200 sit-ups every day with the thing and, like, three times a week I also do zumba with my mother (we've got a Wii at home and there's a game called Zumba Fitness and Zumba Fitness 2, which we play). I also eat healthy and I eat no candy. That should do it, right? 

I'm planning on keeping like a kind of diary where I will post my process every time something has changed. I will write down how much I weight (I'm not planning on losing weight, by the way) and how wide my waist is and if I like I can also post pictures of the process.

What I actually want to achieve is a muscled belly. Therefore I'm doing lots of sit-ups and other things to train my muscles in my belly. That's what I want to make pictures of! 

I don't know yet how often I will post about the progress I make, but I will probably post something once every two weeks! And if it's not on this blog, then I will post in on my Tumblr and will put a link to it on my blog!