It has again been proved that I can't trust anyone

Every time I think I should give someone a change, because I think they can be trusted, they prove me wrong. It happens every damn time. Every time I think someone is trustworthy, they show me that I should not have been such a fool. People are trustworthy, no one is. Not your friend, not your best friend... not even your own family.

I guess they didn't meant to betray my trust in them, but they sure did it, again. But it becomes harder and harder every time to trust someone.

I'm not even sure if it's safe to post this message.

Hey there! Guess who is back? Yup, it's me again. Normally I rarely post new blog posts, like one a month, and now I write two of them in one night (not on the same day though, it is already a quarter to two in the Netherlands). But why am I writing this, you might asks?

Well, first of all, I went to a party of a friend of mine tonight which was great (obviously, because parties with my friends are always great) even though I didn't want to go at first. I really didn't feel good enough to go and I thought people didn't even want me to come either. But that wasn't true actually. And that is what I want to write about (people are using fireworks nearby and it is scaring me) right now.

I really need to stop being so insecure and I really should do something about the fact that I hate myself. I am not that bad actually. But I just feel really bad about myself. Look, the problem I'm dealing with right now is that there isn't really a problem. Yeah, that's right. There is no problem. Then why do I still feel so bad most of the time? I think I'm not going to find the answer to this question real soon. Not now, I'm sure of that.
The problem is that I feel bad very often. But then again, when I think about it, I do not have 'the right' to feel bad, because there's nothing wrong with me right now. No shit is happening to me. Then I feel even worse because I feel like I should not make such a big deal about it. Then I feel even worse for feeling worse because feeling bad for no reason and that goes on and on and on and on. It's like a circle. Then I tweet about it (or post something about it on tumblr) and feel like an attention seeker. It's a bit complicated.
But the thing is, because I'm feeling like this and I tweet about it, I'm afraid people will become tired of me and stop talking to me. This kind of already happened to me, twice now. That is one of the last things I want to happen. So I'm trying to change. I want to solve this problem. I want to know why I randomly feel so bad (about myself) so that I can do something about it. But that's a hard tasks I think.

Alright, one thing I can do at least is starting to do yoga. A friend sent me a link to a website where they offer a good yoga program and I really should try it out. The other thing I can do is, whenever I feel sort of good about myself, I have to write down why and make a list with good things about myself. And the last thing I should do more often is going out with friends, especially with Susan, because going out just makes me feel good and then I see that there are people put there who care about me and that I should not be afraid that people talk about me behind my back.

Yeah, so, that's something I've wanted to write for a while now, but because I'm tipsy I can actually be honest with you and with myself. So, sleeping now would be a good idea! Good night!

Ps. Note to self: dammit, blog more often. I see how good it works!

Feelings

I am not feeling very good, as I can say. Again, I can not really say that there is one single cause for this. As you may know, I think I might suffer from OCD. It has never been diagnosed, but I still recognize many symptoms. I just do not want to say that I have it, because I self hate it when people just use random illnesses and say that they suffer from it.
But it is getting worse and worse and I am feeling like I don't have any thing to say about it. It just happens. The past two day I, somehow, managed to not give in to 'the feeling' and the pressure, but now... I just don't know.
Every time I feel bad for no matter what reason, 'the feeling' comes and mostly doesn't leave for the rest of the day.
Today, I woke up feeling completely sick and ill. The reason why is rather funny. I went out with two of my best friends. We went out for dinner in a restaurant where you are allowed to eat as much food as we can, and drink as much drinks as we can. That is why we drunk a bit too much.
I woke up at half past six, because that is the time my mum's phone went off and I forgot to turn it off. I did not go back to sleep again afterwards. But I immediately felt horrible. As soon as my mum had left for work, I tried to come out of bed without feeling the urge to throw up, a several times. It took me a very long time to actually get out of bed and eat 'breakfast' (it wasn't a proper breakfast because I was afraid to throw up if I would eat something). And on Friday I have to deliver the mail, but since I did not have the time to sort out the mail on Thursday, I also had to do that the same morning. And that was terrible! I felt way to sick and I was constantly afraid to puke. Luckily that did not happen.
Around noon, my mum came back from her job. We talked and drunk some tea ans then we started to deliver the post. I think that fresh are was that I needed, because I started to feel a little bit better (even though I still feel a wave of sickness flowing through my body front time till time).
And in the evening we went to my dad's house. And that was when I started to feel bad, which caused 'the feeling' to show up again. I felt rather guilty, because I ate quite a lot and I dont want to gain weight since I've lost quite a bit already and I want to be able to feel secure about the way I look, that includes when I am walking around in bikini.
Tomorroq is NOT a day I am looking forward to. I have to dance in a show tomorrow and I have ZERO motivation to do that. I have to be there between 11.30 en 12.00, so obviously we will arrive there around 12.15.
A few drunk guys just dropped their phones on the ground while cycling past my house and now they are trying to find its battery.
I don't know how I am ever going to survive tomorrow, but I will do my best. I take my phone with me, obviously, and I shall bring my charger as well. I do not want to risk it being dead. I shall probably do nothing but tweeting all day long (except for a bit of dancing in between).
Anyway, I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a loooooonggg day.

Sweet Sixteen

Tomorrow, the 9th of June, I will celebrate my 16th birthday! I have been counting down for this day since two months ago. It is currently 23.51 and I wonder how many people are going to say happy birthday at exactly twelve o' clock. Some people posted tweets like "Staying up until midnight to say 'Happy birthday!' to a good friend", so I am sort of figuring out how many people will do this. It doesn't say a lot, I guess, but I think I will feel a bit better if someone did.

I haven't felt rather cheerful lately. The reason why I felt like this is partially unknown. The feeling started in the end of last weekend. And it became worse and worse with every minute that passed, even now. I kind of know what causes me feeling miserable. I am confused about the way I think about people. Friends, or at least I thought they were. Some people I consider as good friends don't even seem to think the same way about me. The first person just texted me happy birthday, and it is my mother :) It is 0.01 right now. If there's something wrong with them, I am always there to help them out. But it seems like they don't want my help. The next to friends just texted me :) Oh, and another one! I think I don't need to write this down any more. 

But what I wanted to say is, I always feel like people don't want my help. Maybe because my advice sucks, or maybe they aren't close enough to me to let me help them. I don't know who my real friends are. Of course I know some people are really best friends with me, but there are also a lot of people who I doubt they feel about me the way they say they do.

I think that it will be good for me to not have contact with certain people for a certain time. And since it is almost summer holiday, this won't be very hard to succeed.

Oh, well, I a starting to feel guilty about writing this post in the first place. I think that ten people have texted me by now to tell me happy birthday. I should cut this off now, before I'll end up deleting it.

Anyway, tomorrow is my birthday, it is actually today since it is 0.11 right now. I really look forward to see some family I haven't seen for a really long time. And later, around five o' clock, my best friends will be here to join the barbecue. And after that, my other friends will arrive to celebrate and drink beer and whine, and watch football and have nationalistic feelings because of that. Yeah! I hope, and think, that tomorrow will be great! I will enjoy this entire day and night, and there will be taken a lot of pictures too.

At last, as you probably have noticed, I really cannot concentrate on anything I am doing. This blogpost mostly consists of composed whining and my English sucks even more than it normally does. I'll probably post a new post tomorrow. Maybe it will be very long, and it will probably be not even worth to read. We'll see.

Reunited!

Even though I really had the time of my life when I was in London, I really missed hanging out with my friends. I missed all of them. We hung out together after one, or even two, weeks and we had so much fun. Some of them came a bit later, and there were some alcoholic beverages, but I told myself not to drink (I did it anyway, but I didn't get drunk or even tipsy, so that's a good thing).

Two really good things happened yesterday as well. Two of my best friends have been into a fight since the beginning of December, last year, and they finally made up with each other.

And my best friend and another really good friend of mine kissed each other. Two boys, kissed, each other. That was like the highlight of the whole evening.

I can remember that I actually wanted to get tipsy (most of my friends were as well, so I wanted that as well) and that I drunk an amount of alcohol and started jogging around the neighbourhood with a good friend of mine.

Oh, and we were being followed by the police as well. In the beginning of the evening, some guys bought some bottles of alcoholic drinks and everyone tasted a bit of it. Apparently some strangers saw us with the bottles and called the police. By the time they arrived at the 'crime scene' some of us (including me) had left to get some snacks from the grocery store, a couple of streets away. In that time, a police officer undercover had come to see us, but I think that the person who called said that we were with seven people, and because four of us had left, they didn't know our friend had the opened bottles of alcohol.

As soon as we came back and heard the story, we split up into three groups and cycled our way to a safe place to drink. We've been there all night. Until someone left and went home. A couples of minutes after he had left, he called me, telling me that the cops were on their way to us. I thanked him and told the rest to move away quickly. And we did. We still had fun somewhere else, and I remember that lots of kisses where given and received by, let's say, everyone. Around 12 o' clock, I cycled home with two of my friends.

I had a wonderful night and I was glad to see my friends again. I missed them. I love them so much.
Anyway, I'm going to hit the sack now. School tomorrow and I am NOT looking forward to go to that horrific building again.

Good night!

Written by one who is desperate for some sleep right now.

After a period of feeling like shit and hating life for like two months, I finally feel like things in life are getting better and better. Things changed, people changed, and I changed as well. I used to live in my own tiny world, where I had some of my friends and my family, and everything was fine (as 'fine' as my life has been for the past two years; with ups and downs).

A problem is, that I really don't like big changes in my life. I liked my life the way it was, and it didn't need anything different. But of course, I was enjoying living too much, for too long, and since my ex boyfriend broke up with me, that is where this roller coaster of emotions began.

First I thought that my ex really didn't want to have any kind of social interaction with me. And that pretty sucked, because you know, he means very much to me, and if someone just like stops talking to you, it's obvious that you feel like shit. But I'm happy that this is no longer applicable. We're fine together/not together now, and I totally can live my life again as happy as I used to be.

Last weekend was really exhausting. Awesome, but exhausting. After not sleeping for a whole night, I felt sick the whole day. All I wanted was simply to got to sleep. But I wasn't just able to go to bed and sleep for the entire day.

And this weekend was even better! I went to my friends house to hang out with him and a few other people. When I got there, people were playing Mortal Kombat on a Xbox so it all started well. I had lots of laughs with lots of friends and also consumed a big amount of alcohol. I can't really remember the exact moment that I went from completely sober into tipsy, and I absolutely don't remember drinking so much alcohol to actually get drunk. But it happened. And I had fun, so much fun.

First, I was chilling inside, watching other people gaming on the Xbox. As soon as I noticed that two of my friends I love to hang out with were chilling outside, I went outside as well. Later that evening, me and these two friends went to some snack bar to buy some fries, and I remember having so much fun. We were laughing all the time, we met a classmate, and got a shot of vodka for free.

As soon as we got back, I don't know how much later, another friend of me was sitting in the garden and threw up everything he ate that night, right in the middle of the garden. I just knew that this was going to happen, because for him, it always ends like this. I also heard that he had been fighting with his friend and that they were throwing beer at each other. At some point, he was laying on the ground next to the couch, like he passed out. I didn't bother to do anything to kind of 'solve' his problem.

There was one friend, that I have absolutely the maximum amount of respect for, who took care of the problems. He cleaned up the vomit in the garden, brought the puking kid home, and eventually also took care of me, and cycled all the way home with me as well. I really have to say thanks to him, because I don't know what would have happened if he didn't do all these things.

I am actually very embarrassed with how I acted that night, but I really enjoyed everything. I got home at like half past one, after we dropped my friend of at her house. And I managed to hold a rather serious conversation for one hour, I think. It was amazing. She's amazing and she knows it.

Last Friday night!

So I really have to tell you about last Friday night. It was so awesome! There was a party going on at my friends house and it was really the best party I've ever been to! It was great. It started at half past nine, but I was a bit earlier.
 When I arrived, there was already a bunch of people. There were people in the kitchen, sitting on the couch and also people chilling in the garden. There turned out to be a tiny garden fire place, which was lovely. It made it really pleasant to chill in the garden, and that was needed, since there were so many people, and not everybody coud fit inside the house.
But that is where the first thing went wrong. The fireplace was way too hot and way too close to the wooden fence and that kind of set the fence on fire. The fence was glowing from the heat. But some people extinquished the 'fire' immediately.
 Later, people started to get a bit tipsy, and I got tipsy as well. But that was my plan. I wanted to get a bit drunk and just have fun. Not to care about any thing that could happen. I think that I deserved a weekend full of fun after a period of stress and feeling like shit. I can remember that I sat on a couch with one of my friends and that was the point that I had drunk enough to enjoy everything. So many funny things were said and done from that moment on. I remember my friend saying shit about his sister moving house, and I was listening music with someone else.
Later I went outside and I saw that a few girls were laying on the grass field that is right behind the house. They bought some fries from the snack bar that is near to the house. And oh my god, I remember just now: I kissed a lot of my friends. Just a kiss on the mouth though. Just like friend (girls) do sometimes. I just kept on drinking. I just couldn't care less about everything.
Later I went back inside. To get some new drinks I guess. Matthew, a really good friend of mine, who actually is my kind of flirt friend, went with me back in. Then we stood together in the kitchen. We were hugging and hanging with each other From that moment. And we almost kissed. Almost! And I actually think right now, why not? I could have just kissed him, but I didn't because I promises my ex not to kiss him.
But oh well, I just know that will happen one day. Whenever it will be.
Later that night, some people sneaked upstairs, and I saw them and I wanted to go with them, but someone told me not to, I can't remember who. I didn't know what they were going to do, so I just waited, like I was told to. A couple of minutes later, they came back downstairs and went outside, and I came with them. And there I saw it, they bought weed. But one of my friends got a "bad trip" and we all had to leave the house, and then some other friends who smoked it as well, also got a bad trip and they all just sat in the room, and the rest went outside. I remember that one of my friends gave me milk, we had to drink milk. But I didn't, because I don't like milk.
But yeah, because the other people kind of took the whole living room, we had to sleep in the rest of the house. There was no space left for me, and all the beds where taken. So I sat down on the staircase and talked to a friend. After a while I kind of passed out on there, and woke up as soon as one of my friends entered the hall. We fell asleep with two others in the hall at like 6.30 AM and woke up twenty minutes later.
That was all the sleep I got that night. In the morning we were all just pretty much dead. We just sat in chairs and watched TV. No one said anything during the episode. I left at like 11 'o clock like nothing happened. I felt sick an too tired the whole day after. But I didn't have a hangover.
It was all so worth it. I actually want to do it all over again! It was great! Really great!