CRETE

Hello there.
I know, I know. Long time no see. I am so sorry. It has been a long time. There is no particular reason that I haven't written in a long time. I guess it's a combination of a few things. Since I have got vacation since the end of May, nothing special has happened, for example, on school. Simply because I do not go there anymore. I can tell you that I graduated! Yay! Happy me! For real, I am so happy I am finally DONE with that horrible place and that I no longer need to go there.
Second reason I do not write that often is; and again, I am sorry to begin about this again, it is because the thoughts and the compulsions and everything. Let's not go into detail about this topic. Let's say it makes simple things like just writing a blogpost very hard.
But because I didn't write for long, I now actually have something to talk about. I am on holiday, right now, as we speak. I am in Crete (or is it "on" Crete) with my mum, "stepdad" and my little sister. We arrived here four days ago. I made a video about the first three days and it is on YouTube, so if you want to see it, I will give you a link :)
One thing I can tell you is that there is a guy over here, I guess he's around 40 years old and he looks at girls all the time. He also looks at me. He follows me around and he is everywhere. That's not only with me. Also with a few other girls. We have one thing in common. We are all not much older than twenty. Dirty little creep, he is.
Tomorrow, we are going to rent a car and drive a little bit around the island. I have got a few mosquito bites already. My whole body is a bit itchy.
Haha! When my little sister and I were walking around town together in the evening, all those club owners tried to convince us to get inside their clubs. What they don't know is that I am "only" seventeen years old and that my little sister is only TWELVE. The age for legally drinking alcohol is eighteen over here. Apparently, we look old. That actually is something I rather enjoyed!
Oh; one last thing! Ouzo is very tasty and gets you tipsy very quickly. :)

OCD Recovery

Gosh, I cannot stand it any longer. I can't handle this any more. The OCD... really, it's getting out of hand. It started with some little annoying things, but it became worse and worse over time. I am not even able to write this blog without having problems with it. Approximately, I am being affected by these instructive thoughts for over three hours a day, if not more. Going to sleep is a hell, getting out of bed isn't that big of a deal yet, but I don't know how long it will take for the OCD to make a problem out of that too. I have to be aware of what I'm saying, doing and even thinking all day long and it's making me go crazy! I really need to stop this now! And I know what I am going to try!

Some people say it's good to talk about your problems, right? Well, I am going to do that. On my blog. Only on my blog. Why only on my blog, you might want to ask? I can explain that. First of all, I am not going to tell my parents. And why not? Because I do not want to. I do not want to know my parents about this ridiculous I am going through. My situation is a bit weird and I do not feel like explaining it, but believe me, it would be hard to tell it in this situation. I once told my parents something that happened, and really didn't think it helped me. It only made things awkward and I really do not want that to happen again. I suffered from another disorder a while ago, and I also managed to overcome that without telling my parents. And yes, that problem was rather serious, so don't tell me it wasn't real, because it was real. If I was strong enough to get over that disorder, then why wouldn't I be able to solve this problem on my own too? Right.

I also cannot discuss this with my friends, because people somehow don't seem to take me seriously, because I do not want to tell my parents and get professional help for it. Well, I made it pretty clear now why that is, and still they think I am exaggerating this, even though I am clearly not. And it also isn't really helping that a lot people use OCD as something cool. Example: Look! I made my room nice and neat! Oh my God, I am so OCD! Shall I tell you something funny? Having OCD is not funny and it is not to be joked about, unless you have the permission to do so.

I will go to the library soon and get the book Getting Control from Lee Baer and I hope it will help me. It might help, it might not. If it doesn't help, I know something else I can try. I will be going to a new school next year, if I did a good job and pass my exams. Then I will be doing the study Social Work, where it is important to know yourself, so we will be getting a subject where we will kind of have our own therapies or something, so maybe that will be able to help me get rid of this OCD too.

What I actually wanted to tell with this blog is that I will be posting more OCD related posts on this blog and I hope it will help me!

A look inside my mind

Good morning world! This is going to be a nice day! Let’s get out of bed!

Touch that door four times 
Walk out of your room 
Walk back in 
And out 
Walk downstairs
Touch wood 
Touch wood 
Touch wood 

Hmm, I'm hungry, I should go eat something.

Let’s make this a bit more complicated than it should be. 

Okay, act normal. Please!

One, two, three, four 
One, two, three, four
One, two, three, four 
One, two, three, four 

Okay, nope. I need to stop this?!

No, do it or your mum dies. And your grannies, your father, your sister and friends. They get sick, or a car hits them… Whatever you want. It’s your choice. 

I do not want that. I love them! Let’s continue this then…

One, two, three, four 
Knock, knock 
Touch wood, touch wood 

And repeat…

Feelings

I am not feeling very good, as I can say. Again, I can not really say that there is one single cause for this. As you may know, I think I might suffer from OCD. It has never been diagnosed, but I still recognize many symptoms. I just do not want to say that I have it, because I self hate it when people just use random illnesses and say that they suffer from it.
But it is getting worse and worse and I am feeling like I don't have any thing to say about it. It just happens. The past two day I, somehow, managed to not give in to 'the feeling' and the pressure, but now... I just don't know.
Every time I feel bad for no matter what reason, 'the feeling' comes and mostly doesn't leave for the rest of the day.
Today, I woke up feeling completely sick and ill. The reason why is rather funny. I went out with two of my best friends. We went out for dinner in a restaurant where you are allowed to eat as much food as we can, and drink as much drinks as we can. That is why we drunk a bit too much.
I woke up at half past six, because that is the time my mum's phone went off and I forgot to turn it off. I did not go back to sleep again afterwards. But I immediately felt horrible. As soon as my mum had left for work, I tried to come out of bed without feeling the urge to throw up, a several times. It took me a very long time to actually get out of bed and eat 'breakfast' (it wasn't a proper breakfast because I was afraid to throw up if I would eat something). And on Friday I have to deliver the mail, but since I did not have the time to sort out the mail on Thursday, I also had to do that the same morning. And that was terrible! I felt way to sick and I was constantly afraid to puke. Luckily that did not happen.
Around noon, my mum came back from her job. We talked and drunk some tea ans then we started to deliver the post. I think that fresh are was that I needed, because I started to feel a little bit better (even though I still feel a wave of sickness flowing through my body front time till time).
And in the evening we went to my dad's house. And that was when I started to feel bad, which caused 'the feeling' to show up again. I felt rather guilty, because I ate quite a lot and I dont want to gain weight since I've lost quite a bit already and I want to be able to feel secure about the way I look, that includes when I am walking around in bikini.
Tomorroq is NOT a day I am looking forward to. I have to dance in a show tomorrow and I have ZERO motivation to do that. I have to be there between 11.30 en 12.00, so obviously we will arrive there around 12.15.
A few drunk guys just dropped their phones on the ground while cycling past my house and now they are trying to find its battery.
I don't know how I am ever going to survive tomorrow, but I will do my best. I take my phone with me, obviously, and I shall bring my charger as well. I do not want to risk it being dead. I shall probably do nothing but tweeting all day long (except for a bit of dancing in between).
Anyway, I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a loooooonggg day.

OCD much?

I have lots of weird habits. I did an OCD-online test lately and it said that the change that I have OCD is like 90 percent. But when I did another test, it said that I probably don’t have it. I’m a bit confused about this now, but here are some habits of mine.

Always when I touch a certain object with, for example, my right hand, I also have to do it with my left hand. And if the way I touch the object isn’t the same, I have to do them BOTH again. 

For example: when I am walking down the stairs and I bump my left arm against the wall, I have to BUMP my right arm against the wall, at the same spot, as well. But when I accidentally slip my arm against the wall, I have to try again to bump it against the wall, and then slip my left arm against the wall to equal the slipping and bumping.

I have another annoying habit that has to do with reading, writing and reading out loud. When I’m reading through a post, it doesn’t matter what post, I have to finish the whole post. So, if it is something that it not interesting for me, I still have to read through the whole post. 

Also when I mess up reading it (as in; reading a word wrong) I have to reread the whole sentence. This also goes for writing. Mostly writing on the computer. When I am typing a word and I mess up, I have to delete the whole word (it doesn't matter how many letters the word counts) and type it in again. 

And another thing I have is when I am just thinking about random things and it ‘might be interpret as an prediction’ I have to knock twice on something (I forgot the English word for this). If there is wood inside the room I am, I have to knock twice on wood. Sometimes this happens when I’m on my way to school and there is no wood around. Then I just knock my hands against each other, then clap twice in my hands and then got back to cycling. 

This can be rather dangerous when I am near driving cars or other people. 

And there is one other thing I can think of right now. When I am listening to music, no matter where or with who, I have to, again, do the knocking thing, and then tap my both feet on the ground, just before the beat drops. 

Also I have this weird habit of sniffing with my nose all the time. I randomly take a deep breath, then quickly exhale and if it does not feel right, I have to do this all again. 

And the last one for now. This one is random, and it can pop up at any time.

Example: when I am looking at a television, and this I got the feeling I have to do it, I have to look away or do the knocking thing again, before the camera switches to another point of view, if you know what I mean.
This can also relate to things like switching the light on or off.

And there is one other thing that has to do with walking on different colours of bricks or shadow, but I do not think I can explain that. 

I have many more weird habits, I think that this is enough for now.