Hey there! Guess who is back? Yup, it's me again. Normally I rarely post new blog posts, like one a month, and now I write two of them in one night (not on the same day though, it is already a quarter to two in the Netherlands). But why am I writing this, you might asks?

Well, first of all, I went to a party of a friend of mine tonight which was great (obviously, because parties with my friends are always great) even though I didn't want to go at first. I really didn't feel good enough to go and I thought people didn't even want me to come either. But that wasn't true actually. And that is what I want to write about (people are using fireworks nearby and it is scaring me) right now.

I really need to stop being so insecure and I really should do something about the fact that I hate myself. I am not that bad actually. But I just feel really bad about myself. Look, the problem I'm dealing with right now is that there isn't really a problem. Yeah, that's right. There is no problem. Then why do I still feel so bad most of the time? I think I'm not going to find the answer to this question real soon. Not now, I'm sure of that.
The problem is that I feel bad very often. But then again, when I think about it, I do not have 'the right' to feel bad, because there's nothing wrong with me right now. No shit is happening to me. Then I feel even worse because I feel like I should not make such a big deal about it. Then I feel even worse for feeling worse because feeling bad for no reason and that goes on and on and on and on. It's like a circle. Then I tweet about it (or post something about it on tumblr) and feel like an attention seeker. It's a bit complicated.
But the thing is, because I'm feeling like this and I tweet about it, I'm afraid people will become tired of me and stop talking to me. This kind of already happened to me, twice now. That is one of the last things I want to happen. So I'm trying to change. I want to solve this problem. I want to know why I randomly feel so bad (about myself) so that I can do something about it. But that's a hard tasks I think.

Alright, one thing I can do at least is starting to do yoga. A friend sent me a link to a website where they offer a good yoga program and I really should try it out. The other thing I can do is, whenever I feel sort of good about myself, I have to write down why and make a list with good things about myself. And the last thing I should do more often is going out with friends, especially with Susan, because going out just makes me feel good and then I see that there are people put there who care about me and that I should not be afraid that people talk about me behind my back.

Yeah, so, that's something I've wanted to write for a while now, but because I'm tipsy I can actually be honest with you and with myself. So, sleeping now would be a good idea! Good night!

Ps. Note to self: dammit, blog more often. I see how good it works!

Boredom

Since it is summer holiday, and I don't have any commitments, I really don't do anything all day long. The past week has past by really slowly, and I haven't done anything else than exercising, sleeping, watching television and sitting on the couch, staring like a zombie into nothingness. And doing all this makes no sense to me, so I have a plan. I am going to make a list with activities I can do when I'm bored and I'm going to do that right now. I am going to make the list as long as I possibly can, and if I think about something later, I will supplement this list immediately. If I can, I will also print this out and hang it next to my bed, so that every time I wake up and start to sigh because I don't know what I am going to do that day, I will see the list and make a plan for that day.

Okay, so... I'm leaving for my holiday in Italy on the 18th of July and I will return the 25th. Then I have exactly one week until I'm leaving, again, for Crete. I will stay in Chersonissos for two weeks. I can prepare some stuff for both vacations, like making lists for what I have to take with me or buy. Let's start this!

1. Make a lists for what to bring with me on both holidays
2. Buy a gift for my stepsisters' birthday
3. Play Minecraft
4. Play The Sims 3
5. Try to blog at least once a day
6. Re-watch Avatar (AtlA and LoK)
7. Draw manga
8. Relax in the garden
9. Go out with friends
10. Work
11. Listen to music
12. Write a story
13. Make lots of pictures
14. Exercise at least one hour every day
15. Impress random guys
16. Watch a film (you have over 700 films, so there's always at least one film you are in the mood for to watch!)
17. Download new applications for your new phone
18. Download new music
19. Read a book
20. Buy new stuff you need for your next school year (try to procrastinate this as long as possible)

These are some things I can do, but I know for sure that I will think of more things to do later, and when I will, I shall add them to this list as well!

Anyway, after I made this list, I went downstairs and ate my dinner. I would like to talk about a few things. My diet is going great for now! I didn't eat any sweets for quite a long time now, and I feel like I don't even need to any more. So that is a good thing. I used to eat a whole bag of chips a day (usually extreme big bags, 300 gram if not more) so that wasn't too good for me. I quit doing that and now I only eat fruit. I drink those breakfast drinks in the morning, eat a bowl of yoghurt with fruit in it for lunch and I eat my normal diner in the evening. I also drink lots of water, and at least one tiny cup of tea a day. When I get hungry I either eat a piece of fruit, or I eat a tiny cup of custard. I'm excited about how I will look in two weeks, because even I myself can see some changes in how I look like already, after a month of dieting (I have been eating out three times though), so these upcoming weeks look promising. 

Also when I was downstairs I was looking in the appstore if there were any fun or interesting applications that I wanted to download, and then I saw an e-reader application. I downloaded it straight away, and I am happy I did it. The first thing I did was looking if they had the book "The Perks of being a Wall Flower". I wanted to borrow that book from the library to read it during my holidays, but when I saw they have this one, I started to read the book straight away. I don't know at which page I am at the moment, but I have read twelve percent of the book already. I really like this book. I actually wanted to safe it up until I'm going on holiday, but I just couldn't stop reading it as soon as I started. I wanted to read the first page of it, so I would know a bit about the book, but it turned out that I've read like four chapter already, I guess.

And after reading a part of this book, I realise how much I love to write. Luckily I will be able to blog when I'm in Italy or Crete, because I downloaded the Blogger application for my smartphone as well. And I'm going to use it a lot. I have mentioned this a few times already, but I just cannot hide how excited I am to enjoy blogging again, as much as I used to do on my older blog (if you're curious, I already put a link to my older blog in a previous post of mine). 

Okay, but for now, I have to put an end to this blog. I am going to watch television now, and somehow I feel great right now! Hopefully this feeling will last the rest of the evening! 

Feelings

I am not feeling very good, as I can say. Again, I can not really say that there is one single cause for this. As you may know, I think I might suffer from OCD. It has never been diagnosed, but I still recognize many symptoms. I just do not want to say that I have it, because I self hate it when people just use random illnesses and say that they suffer from it.
But it is getting worse and worse and I am feeling like I don't have any thing to say about it. It just happens. The past two day I, somehow, managed to not give in to 'the feeling' and the pressure, but now... I just don't know.
Every time I feel bad for no matter what reason, 'the feeling' comes and mostly doesn't leave for the rest of the day.
Today, I woke up feeling completely sick and ill. The reason why is rather funny. I went out with two of my best friends. We went out for dinner in a restaurant where you are allowed to eat as much food as we can, and drink as much drinks as we can. That is why we drunk a bit too much.
I woke up at half past six, because that is the time my mum's phone went off and I forgot to turn it off. I did not go back to sleep again afterwards. But I immediately felt horrible. As soon as my mum had left for work, I tried to come out of bed without feeling the urge to throw up, a several times. It took me a very long time to actually get out of bed and eat 'breakfast' (it wasn't a proper breakfast because I was afraid to throw up if I would eat something). And on Friday I have to deliver the mail, but since I did not have the time to sort out the mail on Thursday, I also had to do that the same morning. And that was terrible! I felt way to sick and I was constantly afraid to puke. Luckily that did not happen.
Around noon, my mum came back from her job. We talked and drunk some tea ans then we started to deliver the post. I think that fresh are was that I needed, because I started to feel a little bit better (even though I still feel a wave of sickness flowing through my body front time till time).
And in the evening we went to my dad's house. And that was when I started to feel bad, which caused 'the feeling' to show up again. I felt rather guilty, because I ate quite a lot and I dont want to gain weight since I've lost quite a bit already and I want to be able to feel secure about the way I look, that includes when I am walking around in bikini.
Tomorroq is NOT a day I am looking forward to. I have to dance in a show tomorrow and I have ZERO motivation to do that. I have to be there between 11.30 en 12.00, so obviously we will arrive there around 12.15.
A few drunk guys just dropped their phones on the ground while cycling past my house and now they are trying to find its battery.
I don't know how I am ever going to survive tomorrow, but I will do my best. I take my phone with me, obviously, and I shall bring my charger as well. I do not want to risk it being dead. I shall probably do nothing but tweeting all day long (except for a bit of dancing in between).
Anyway, I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a loooooonggg day.

Even more whining

I feel like all the posts I write are about nothing really. There is not just one topic I talk about. It includes random sentences, but it is not a story. Also I think that all my previous posts consist of whining and complaining. And this one is already the same as all the other ones. Because what I wanted to write about now, is that I've found myself in a negative spiral. Every day is the same.

I wake up in the morning, get behind my computer and make myself ready for school. When I arrive there, I'm nothing but stressed about the upcoming exams I have to do (I'm in the middle of my exam week). Then I go home. Study for the test I have the next day and as soon as I finish that, I feel fine for about an hour. After that hour I start to feel worse and worse and worse. The only thing I want to do all day is sleeping. I don't have the energy to do something, and even when I wake up, I still feel tired. But when I try to think of a reason why I feel so sad and desperate every time, I can't think of it. I just feel like this, and there is no proper reason.

That is actually the problem. I feel bad without a reason. When I feel bad, and I know why I do, I try to solve the problem, or say to myself that, whatever is wrong, it will go away eventually. But now I know there is nothing actually wrong, I can't myself that everything will be all right, because things are right. There are a few problems that I'm worried about, of course, but nothing big.

Now I feel bad again, and I still don't know why. I feel tired all day, I have headaches all the time, and I don't look forward to anything (except for the upcoming weeks I am going to Italy and Crete), but even when I think about that, I don't feel any better. When someone asks me what is wrong, I can't say what is, because I don't know. All this is really confusing and I'm tired of it.

When will this go away...