Confusing thoughts

It is really hard to be yourself if you do not know who you exaclty are. This is something I have been thinking about much lately. I do not know who I am and who I want myself to be. Sometimes I want to be around people otherwise I feel lonely, but it happens very often that when I finally are with other people, I want to be alone, because I feel like I don't belong. Sometimes I feel so happy with how my life is right now, I got friends, I got a sweet family, and this is the last year of middle school... but at the same time I am scared. I am scared that my friends have forgotten about me, that they don't like me at all, but are friendly to me because they feel sorry for me. Maybe I am just 'that weird kid' that thinks she has friends and she is all cool, but actually everyone laughs at me behind my back. I can be really secure about myself at moments I am happy. At such moments I do not think people hate me, that they laugh at me when I don't see it, but only one tiny thing has to happen and I get heavy mood swings. People probably hate me because I am weird, they think I am fat and I act superciliously.

And actually, I am not always myself at school. I am confused, because I always tell myself to be myself. And if people don't like me, it is not my problem. There are plenty of people just like me who will like me and care about me. Sure, there are some friends I know they won't lie to me about how they think of me, but that are only three people. It is not like I don't trust other people, (I actually do not trust many people, they have to 'prove' themselfs, kind of) but I do not always trust my own feelings.

I actually don't really mind going back to school in two weeks and a few days. But still, I am scared that people have changed during these seven weeks. I haven't seen any of my friends since six weeks, and I rarely spoke to them. There is one of my best friends, and he has changed so much, and he is still changing. I really don't like it how I feel like I lost him. I still like him, but his personallity has changed and he does things I do not feel confortable with. I still love him though, and I care so much about him and I try to accept how he is, and how he wants to be, but I am also worried. But he probably thinks that it is nonsense and that I shouldn't worry about him at all. But I see how he is falling down and it is starting to freak me out and I feel sorry for him.

What if they have all changed? What if I've changed? I don't want to be alone again. I am also scared for this winter. What will happen this winter? I know what will happen. I am someone who loves the summer and I really can't stand the winter. I always get those 'Winter Blues' and I think it might get out of hand this year. This will be the first winter without my eating disorder, and I am scared that it might come back for a little bit because I get so depressed during the winter. I got back on the website "Proud2bme" and I hope they will help me during the winter, if my eating disorder comes back, and if it doesn't, they will help me with my Winter Blues.

I am just so confused. I am thinking about eating, not eating, losing weight, being fat and all that kind of stuff again. Not in a 'sick' way, but I am thinking about it. Maybe it is just a period in this year. It is summer right now and I am in my bikini all the time. It makes me insecure about how I look. I am constantely comparing myself to other girls and that makes me sad. I should probably get to sleep now, because I am getting a bit tired.