Feelings

I am not feeling very good, as I can say. Again, I can not really say that there is one single cause for this. As you may know, I think I might suffer from OCD. It has never been diagnosed, but I still recognize many symptoms. I just do not want to say that I have it, because I self hate it when people just use random illnesses and say that they suffer from it.
But it is getting worse and worse and I am feeling like I don't have any thing to say about it. It just happens. The past two day I, somehow, managed to not give in to 'the feeling' and the pressure, but now... I just don't know.
Every time I feel bad for no matter what reason, 'the feeling' comes and mostly doesn't leave for the rest of the day.
Today, I woke up feeling completely sick and ill. The reason why is rather funny. I went out with two of my best friends. We went out for dinner in a restaurant where you are allowed to eat as much food as we can, and drink as much drinks as we can. That is why we drunk a bit too much.
I woke up at half past six, because that is the time my mum's phone went off and I forgot to turn it off. I did not go back to sleep again afterwards. But I immediately felt horrible. As soon as my mum had left for work, I tried to come out of bed without feeling the urge to throw up, a several times. It took me a very long time to actually get out of bed and eat 'breakfast' (it wasn't a proper breakfast because I was afraid to throw up if I would eat something). And on Friday I have to deliver the mail, but since I did not have the time to sort out the mail on Thursday, I also had to do that the same morning. And that was terrible! I felt way to sick and I was constantly afraid to puke. Luckily that did not happen.
Around noon, my mum came back from her job. We talked and drunk some tea ans then we started to deliver the post. I think that fresh are was that I needed, because I started to feel a little bit better (even though I still feel a wave of sickness flowing through my body front time till time).
And in the evening we went to my dad's house. And that was when I started to feel bad, which caused 'the feeling' to show up again. I felt rather guilty, because I ate quite a lot and I dont want to gain weight since I've lost quite a bit already and I want to be able to feel secure about the way I look, that includes when I am walking around in bikini.
Tomorroq is NOT a day I am looking forward to. I have to dance in a show tomorrow and I have ZERO motivation to do that. I have to be there between 11.30 en 12.00, so obviously we will arrive there around 12.15.
A few drunk guys just dropped their phones on the ground while cycling past my house and now they are trying to find its battery.
I don't know how I am ever going to survive tomorrow, but I will do my best. I take my phone with me, obviously, and I shall bring my charger as well. I do not want to risk it being dead. I shall probably do nothing but tweeting all day long (except for a bit of dancing in between).
Anyway, I think it is time for me to go to sleep now. Tomorrow is going to be a loooooonggg day.

Four/three positive things!

This is not going to be a whiny post! No, this one is actually going to be positive. I got four good things I want to write about and the first thing is that exam week is finally over! My last test was on last Friday and I am so happy it is over! I started learning two weeks before the exam week even started, and I have to tell you, it was exhausting. Since I have ADHD I have problem concentrating for longer that an half an hour straight, but I had to. And I did. For two weeks I did nothing else than studying, and it made me crazy. As soon as the actual exam week started, I was feeling kind of depressed, because I hadn't done much entertaining for me for two weeks. But I pushed myself further and further and I managed it somehow. Now that this week is over, and I got all my notes back, I see that all that work has not been for nothing. Except for one note (a 6.6), I got nothing below 7.1 and four of my notes are an 8 or higher. I think I may say that I can be proud of myself. I am very happy that I have no deadlines or stress for school. Summer holiday is now real close. I have to survive this week (a horrible week though) and after this week I can finally enjoy summer holiday. The only thing I have to do is return my books and then this school year is officially over.

The second good thing is that I now got a job. Two times a week I have to deliver post. I already told you that, but I am just so happy with it! After I am done tomorrow, I will get 42 euro already. And this work is not even that exhausting. On Mondays I do one hour of sorting the mail out, and on Tuesdays I need only around one hour to deliver them all. I get paid around 8.50 an hour! That is almost twice as much as most of my friends get paid. I have seriously NO regrets for applying for this job! There's nothing wrong with doing four hours of work during summer holiday, I probably will not have something better to do all day long, so why not making myself useful? I really hope I can stay after summer holiday. Because this is only a job for the holiday, but I hope that they won't fire me. They need someone for this district, so if I will do my best, why would they fire me? Let's hope for the best!

The third thing I am happy about is that I lost weight. I have been 'dieting' for a month now, but I only have been doing it rather seriously for a week now and it worked out already. Even though I went out eating two times this week, and one other time has yet to come, I lost around 2.5 kilos. I don't eat any chips or other kinds of sweats any more, and I started sporting a bit more, and I think I can see the difference already. I have three and a half weeks left before I go to Italy with my dad for a week, so if I can keep up the good work, I will be satisfied enough by then!

I actually forgot the last thing, so I cannot tell you, unfortunately, but maybe I will think of it later! This was just a little update, and for now, it is enough. I will take a shower now, and work some more on my photo album about my school trip to London from seven weeks ago, with my mum. Then I will probably eat something nice and then snuggle into my warm bed, hoping I will not fall asleep too soon, because I have to go back to school again tomorrow. A short day, fortunately, so I will survive!

Even more whining

I feel like all the posts I write are about nothing really. There is not just one topic I talk about. It includes random sentences, but it is not a story. Also I think that all my previous posts consist of whining and complaining. And this one is already the same as all the other ones. Because what I wanted to write about now, is that I've found myself in a negative spiral. Every day is the same.

I wake up in the morning, get behind my computer and make myself ready for school. When I arrive there, I'm nothing but stressed about the upcoming exams I have to do (I'm in the middle of my exam week). Then I go home. Study for the test I have the next day and as soon as I finish that, I feel fine for about an hour. After that hour I start to feel worse and worse and worse. The only thing I want to do all day is sleeping. I don't have the energy to do something, and even when I wake up, I still feel tired. But when I try to think of a reason why I feel so sad and desperate every time, I can't think of it. I just feel like this, and there is no proper reason.

That is actually the problem. I feel bad without a reason. When I feel bad, and I know why I do, I try to solve the problem, or say to myself that, whatever is wrong, it will go away eventually. But now I know there is nothing actually wrong, I can't myself that everything will be all right, because things are right. There are a few problems that I'm worried about, of course, but nothing big.

Now I feel bad again, and I still don't know why. I feel tired all day, I have headaches all the time, and I don't look forward to anything (except for the upcoming weeks I am going to Italy and Crete), but even when I think about that, I don't feel any better. When someone asks me what is wrong, I can't say what is, because I don't know. All this is really confusing and I'm tired of it.

When will this go away...

As long as I can remember I have always loved writing. No matter what, I always loved it. I started writing little stories when I was around the time I just learned how to write all the letters of the alphabet. I had two little kids I always wrote stories about, they were twin brother and sister. Their names where Bart and Lisa. Two very common names here in Holland. Every time I got some time that I could spend on my own (which was a lot, since one doesn't have many responsibilities at an age like that), I wrote little stories, from about a full paper (A4-format) about their lives and what kind of adventures they experienced. I was always the one in my class that actually got excited when we had to write again. And later, when I was a lit older, I bought a diary to write in. I must have been around age seven, I assume,

Since I really really loved writing, I did it a lot. But sometimes I just wanted to write stories without having to think about things all over and over again. That was when I made my first ever weblog. I think I was around twelve years old. At first, I didn't even publish what I wrote. I just wrote what was on my mind, and saved my writing on my computer. But later I thought it would be funny to publish my writings.


I regularly updated my blog, and I loved to do that every time. I have used that blog for over two years. I eventually stopped using weblog.nl to update my blog, because the website pretty much sucked. At first I didn't really care about it. But later it started to annoy me that there weren't much different themes to choose and making one myself wasn't a good choice either, since I had no sense of how to work with HTML. 
I stopped writing because I went to a forum as well, where I wrote into my diary I had there daily, and I didn't feel like writing things twice.

After I was banned from that forum :( I wanted to have my blog back. But to go back to my old blog, where I hadn't been posting for over a year, I decided to make a new one. I had read that the website that I used to blog on, was going to undergo an update. I had to wait a few weeks before I could make a new account. I was curious about the new update, so I decided to wait that few weeks. But the update did not take place. Something went wrong, they said. I was really curious about the new update, and I waited a bit longer... and longer, and longer and longer... The website completely crashed. Eventually it took them around half a year, if not longer, to repair all the damaged done to the website. I didn't want to wait so long. So I tried to open my old blog again, but because my old email address has been hacked, I could get my new password, and so I didn't have access to my blog any more. I tried so many things and contacted the people of the website so many times, but it wasn't possible to get my old and loved blog back.

If you are interested in my old weblog, you can find it here. Mind that it is all written in Dutch.


I'm still very angry with the website that they fucked shit up and that I am the victim. I want my old blog back. At least I want access to it. It is my right.

Anyway, something totally off topic. I applied for a job a few weeks ago and I start this week. I have to deliver mail. Today I got my first mail to deliver. I sorted them out, and tomorrow I'll deliver them. I'm really looking forward to do this during summer holiday. I don't have anything to do all day, when I'm still at home. I'll will also go to Italy and later I will go to Crete, Chersonissos, which I'm really looking forward to. I have been feeling homesick since I'm back in Holland.


But for the rest of the vacation, I will probably have nothing to do, and therefore do nothing else than lying in bed and then snuggle out of bed, and play Minecraft all day long (probably even night). So I can try to make myself useful and bring all those helpless people their mail...

No, that is not why I applied for the job. I did it because they pay really well. I'll receive around 130 euro this month. And I'm looking forward to that! I have no idea what I am going to as soon as I get the money. I think I'll just save it up, to never buy things later. 

Aaaannnd, my mood just got completely ruined. I want to hit people with a raker. Yes. Thank you, thanks again. 

I am so sick of this crap. Why do I always have to feel like shit at least three hours a day, if not longer?  I can't stand it any more. During the day, I constantly try not to cry. Why do I even feel like this? I have no worthy reason to feel like shit all day. There are no such things wrong that I have to feel like crying all day, so why do I? I just comes out of the blue.

Well, that was it then... I'm sorry that I'm always whining about every thing and everyone. 

Quick post

Heellooo theerreeee!

It's father's day today and therefore I am at my grandpa's house with my father and co. My grandpa and grandma live in a city called Leiden. I was born there too, and I have lived there until six years ago. Six years ago, my parents divorced and we moved to Delft, which is about half an hour away from Leiden by car. Every time I get back here in Leiden I feel, it feels like home. So I feel pretty fine right now.

Also, we are going out to dinner in a Greek restaurant and I am looking forward to it. I love Leiden and I love Greece, so that combination is even better.

I can't wait to go to Crete again this summer. I have so many good memories of that place. Every time I think about it, I want to go back there.

Anyway, I wanted to write a little bit more than this, but we're leaving right now! You'll here more from me later!