What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

A few days ago, I found out that people still don't believe me, think I am an attention seeker or whatever kind of negative thought there are going around about me, but I found out that these negativity around me still exist on Twitter with some "friends". And last week, I decided that I was so fucking done with it. If people do not believe me on my words, without prove, I don't want you in my life anymore. So, I quit Twitter. I don't know yet for how long, but at least for now, because people obviously don't care about me. If you need prove in order to believe a friend? No, then you are obviously not a friend. If those people really care about me, they'll notice me being gone and they will talk to me directly, through WhatsApp, Skype of text or even call me. Only two people has done that thus far (which aren't people that are very active on Twitter), so I guess that already is a statement made here.

I think we all know what I am talking about here. About the intrusive thoughts, that people I am faking. Yeah right! Because it's funny to make yourself so scared of dying, or to make myself think that my mum, dad, sister, best friend, grandpa, grandma will get cancer and die or get hit by a car, if I do not touch this four times (times four, times four, times four, etc). Or to hurt yourself an certain amount of times just to be sure I didn't just cause a tumor growing inside my head? Really funny.

Also, I am obviously faking it, because I try so freaking hard not to act on my thoughts when there are other people around and making up excuses when people asks why I am putting down my glas eight times in a row. If I would be faking it, I think I would definitely use some different approaches, but it seems that no one has thought of that yet.

These "friends" need a prove, a diagnosis from a psychologist before they believe that I repeat every word that I read, say or write four times or until it is right, in order to prevent people from dying, to prevent them from dying. They need a diagnosis before they believe that I cannot simply can get out of bed in the morning, because I need to do certain things in a certain way a certain amount of times before I can even get out of bed to do even more rituals.

Listen to me when I say that everything I do, costs me at least twice as much time, because of these thought. Why would anyone want to fake such a thing? I never claimed to be diagnosed or something like that. I just know that these thoughts, these feelings, these actions aren't right. They aren't normal. Don't you all think I talked about this with hundred of people, googled shit tons, read books, websites, blogs, stories, before I even thought about the disorder OCD? It's not like I looked through a book with disorders and picked this one and thought Hey, this one seems funny! Let's become like this from now on!

Remember that this is already going on for three years? I was experiencing this for like one year and a half before I even talked about it to someone. Why would I do that, huh? But it learned me something: that no one can be trusted. Everyone will talk about you behind your back somewhere in time. No one will actually take you seriously. They don't care, until you have prove. There are two people, two friends, who seem to believe me. Well, if that's all I got, I don't need anyone at all. I beat an eating disorder on my own before (oh, I also faked that one too :-) starved myself to death until I weighed only 38 kilos just for fun!), so I can do this on my own too. I don't even need these people anymore. I don't even want their recognition anymore.

From now on, I, again, suffer in silence. Let's live by the motto What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! If I can fight this, if I am strong enough, I will beat this. Then I will survive. If I can't do it any longer, I'll just put an end to it all. And yeah, I am going to do it my way. Period.

Update

Let's write a quick update here....

There's something I decided. I stopped using twitter, at least for now. There's no point using it. I keep on annoying people with either my opinions or with my whining about personal problems, which people not seem to care about. These 'fake friends' I got (and obviously I do not mean all my friends) like to make fun of me when I rage or when I feel anxious, and when I am serious about something, they like to laugh at me in my face.

I am so done with that. I am sick of it. That's why I stopped using Twitter. And I will not be bothered about missing social events by not using Twitter. That's because I only want to be invited to parties or something when people actually like my presents, not only to just fill up space. And if they really like me being on their party for who I am, they will message me or give me a call. If I do not receive any messages any more, then at least I know where I stand. 

That's all. 

Late night thoughts #1

There's a thing I think I need to do, and I hope it will help me. The plan is that I am just going to write down my thoughts and concerns, the intrusive thoughts I have. I also write down what the compulsions I do, or want to do. The purpose is to help me prevent actually doing the compulsions and rituals that come with the intrusive thoughts.

So, you can expect such tiny posts soon :)

Happy new year everyone!

What I'd like to do, is to write something about last year. What happened and how I changed, some people I met and some people I let go off. You know, that kinda stuff. I don't want to make it sound all sentimental 'n stuff, but let's just make an overview of the year.

What happened this year? Lots of things actually. If I look back on some good intentions I made up for myself last year, I can say I failed, miserably. Three things that were on that list are:

• no further contact with a certain person
• get rid of these annoying and ridiculous compulsions
• no smoking

The first thing isn't really that big of a problem. Actually, it's a good thing I "failed" at this one. I used to have many fights with this person and my hate for him grew bigger and bigger, so I decided it would be a good thing to stop having contact with him. It only made me angry all the time and I think it goes exactly the same for him. I unfollowed him on Twitter and Tumblr, deleted his number from my phone and blocked him on all social media, so I wouldn't see any more status updates of him. After a fair amount of time, we started talking again. I don't even remember why we did, and how my mind changed about him, but it kind of happened. Of course, we had some things we had to talk about, which we did, and now, we're all fine again and I am very glad about that. 

Second, these compulsions things. It's been variable throughout the year, to be honest. For as far as I remember, it was at a medium level at the beginning of the year, when later it got worse and worse and I never felt that bad in a really long time. Around my exams, it was almost unbearable, especially when there was a big problem with the exams later and there was a risk that I had to do them all over again. Of course, I thought it was my fault and I didn't dare to move an inch. It was horrible. But in the end, everything was okay, and as soon as summer holiday began, it got a bit better. I had a good period around september/october, when later it got worse again, but not as bad as it was before. Now, I am kinda good and I can live with it at the moment. 

And the last thing is something I do not want to talk about :)

This was also the year of pushing boundaries, in a good way, but also in a bad way. But let's not talk about that too much!

That was about my biggest things in the last year. Let's hope this coming year will be better than last year. Hope you all had a good year too :)

Even though I do not like to say that I ‘selfharm’, I do need to admit that I hurt myself from time to time, and that it is a big relief every time I do so. I don’t do it very often, but it does happen.

The reason I do selfharm is that I need to express my anger in a way. When I am angry, I get the feeling I need to throw with things. I do not want to hurt anyone or break my stuff, so I do not throw with things. Instead, I hurt myself. In that way, nobody gets hurt and no items get broken. The only person who gets involved with my frustration or anger is me.

I do not care that I hurt myself to get rid of the anger, because I hate myself very much. I think I deserve this. I know I deserve it. I deserve to get this anger and frustration and to hurt myself because of that. I do not feel guilty when I selfharm. That’s because I feel like that is what belongs to me.

And believe it or not, I do NOT selfharm for attention. No one actually knows about my selfharming. I don’t even know if everyone would actually call it selfharm, since I do not really cut myself. I’d say it’s selfharm, and there are probably a lot of people around me who call it selfharm too, but I know there are lots of people who only count cutting in as selfharm.

I just wanted to say this. And as this is my personal blog, I feel like I can post it on here