Return

Since I felt like I want to be more aware of how I feel and how I act, also regarding to the whole OCD thing, I decided to get back to one of the most loving communities I've ever been part of: Proud. I've been talking about this website and forum before, but if you are new, I will explain what it is. Proud is a website with information about eating disorders for people who have troubles with eating or want information about these mental illnesses. It also has a forum where people, mostly females, can talk with each other about their problems, ask for advice or simply about things they like. I’ve been on that website a long time ago for a long time and back then, it helped me realize that I was doing the wrong thing. I am happy it helped me realize a lot of things and, partly because of the website and its members, I can now call myself ED-free.

Some time ago, when I had no longer problems with eating, I returned to the website to thank the people who helped me and to apologize, because I misbehaved miserably and I felt bad for what I did and what I said. But after some time, I started to notice that being in their presence and in those kind of environments, only made me more conscious about food, my weight and most importantly, losing weight. The best thing I could do, back then, was leaving the website once more and focussing more on other things in life. Obviously, I wasn’t ready yet to get back there.

But again, after a year or so, I wanted to get back to Proud, because I missed it’s loving and accepting community so much and I felt like I needed support with battling the troubles I am having now. I have truly been searching for a community like Proud, but instead of focussing on eating disorders, I wanted to find something that was made for people with obsessive compulsive disorder, so I could mainly focus on that. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anything.

That’s what made me return to Proud once more. Right now, I am not yet very active on the forum, but I want to be again and I would like to make ‘friends’ too. I might even meet some people who are battling the same problems! Anyway, the members of the forum said they accept me being there, even though I am not there for troubles with eating.

On the forum, members can open a thread that they call their ‘diary’. It’s basically a thread where they will write from time till time about what they think and how they feel. I opened one as well. Hopefully, I will be more active on the website, because I really enjoyed it back then!

That’s all, I suppose. I wanted to update you all with this information. Oh, and you may have noticed some changes in my blog! I was getting bored with the old theme and shit, so I changed it. Let me know what you think. 

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!

A few days ago, I found out that people still don't believe me, think I am an attention seeker or whatever kind of negative thought there are going around about me, but I found out that these negativity around me still exist on Twitter with some "friends". And last week, I decided that I was so fucking done with it. If people do not believe me on my words, without prove, I don't want you in my life anymore. So, I quit Twitter. I don't know yet for how long, but at least for now, because people obviously don't care about me. If you need prove in order to believe a friend? No, then you are obviously not a friend. If those people really care about me, they'll notice me being gone and they will talk to me directly, through WhatsApp, Skype of text or even call me. Only two people has done that thus far (which aren't people that are very active on Twitter), so I guess that already is a statement made here.

I think we all know what I am talking about here. About the intrusive thoughts, that people I am faking. Yeah right! Because it's funny to make yourself so scared of dying, or to make myself think that my mum, dad, sister, best friend, grandpa, grandma will get cancer and die or get hit by a car, if I do not touch this four times (times four, times four, times four, etc). Or to hurt yourself an certain amount of times just to be sure I didn't just cause a tumor growing inside my head? Really funny.

Also, I am obviously faking it, because I try so freaking hard not to act on my thoughts when there are other people around and making up excuses when people asks why I am putting down my glas eight times in a row. If I would be faking it, I think I would definitely use some different approaches, but it seems that no one has thought of that yet.

These "friends" need a prove, a diagnosis from a psychologist before they believe that I repeat every word that I read, say or write four times or until it is right, in order to prevent people from dying, to prevent them from dying. They need a diagnosis before they believe that I cannot simply can get out of bed in the morning, because I need to do certain things in a certain way a certain amount of times before I can even get out of bed to do even more rituals.

Listen to me when I say that everything I do, costs me at least twice as much time, because of these thought. Why would anyone want to fake such a thing? I never claimed to be diagnosed or something like that. I just know that these thoughts, these feelings, these actions aren't right. They aren't normal. Don't you all think I talked about this with hundred of people, googled shit tons, read books, websites, blogs, stories, before I even thought about the disorder OCD? It's not like I looked through a book with disorders and picked this one and thought Hey, this one seems funny! Let's become like this from now on!

Remember that this is already going on for three years? I was experiencing this for like one year and a half before I even talked about it to someone. Why would I do that, huh? But it learned me something: that no one can be trusted. Everyone will talk about you behind your back somewhere in time. No one will actually take you seriously. They don't care, until you have prove. There are two people, two friends, who seem to believe me. Well, if that's all I got, I don't need anyone at all. I beat an eating disorder on my own before (oh, I also faked that one too :-) starved myself to death until I weighed only 38 kilos just for fun!), so I can do this on my own too. I don't even need these people anymore. I don't even want their recognition anymore.

From now on, I, again, suffer in silence. Let's live by the motto What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger! If I can fight this, if I am strong enough, I will beat this. Then I will survive. If I can't do it any longer, I'll just put an end to it all. And yeah, I am going to do it my way. Period.

Update

Let's write a quick update here....

There's something I decided. I stopped using twitter, at least for now. There's no point using it. I keep on annoying people with either my opinions or with my whining about personal problems, which people not seem to care about. These 'fake friends' I got (and obviously I do not mean all my friends) like to make fun of me when I rage or when I feel anxious, and when I am serious about something, they like to laugh at me in my face.

I am so done with that. I am sick of it. That's why I stopped using Twitter. And I will not be bothered about missing social events by not using Twitter. That's because I only want to be invited to parties or something when people actually like my presents, not only to just fill up space. And if they really like me being on their party for who I am, they will message me or give me a call. If I do not receive any messages any more, then at least I know where I stand. 

That's all. 

Late night thoughts #1

There's a thing I think I need to do, and I hope it will help me. The plan is that I am just going to write down my thoughts and concerns, the intrusive thoughts I have. I also write down what the compulsions I do, or want to do. The purpose is to help me prevent actually doing the compulsions and rituals that come with the intrusive thoughts.

So, you can expect such tiny posts soon :)

Happy new year everyone!

What I'd like to do, is to write something about last year. What happened and how I changed, some people I met and some people I let go off. You know, that kinda stuff. I don't want to make it sound all sentimental 'n stuff, but let's just make an overview of the year.

What happened this year? Lots of things actually. If I look back on some good intentions I made up for myself last year, I can say I failed, miserably. Three things that were on that list are:

• no further contact with a certain person
• get rid of these annoying and ridiculous compulsions
• no smoking

The first thing isn't really that big of a problem. Actually, it's a good thing I "failed" at this one. I used to have many fights with this person and my hate for him grew bigger and bigger, so I decided it would be a good thing to stop having contact with him. It only made me angry all the time and I think it goes exactly the same for him. I unfollowed him on Twitter and Tumblr, deleted his number from my phone and blocked him on all social media, so I wouldn't see any more status updates of him. After a fair amount of time, we started talking again. I don't even remember why we did, and how my mind changed about him, but it kind of happened. Of course, we had some things we had to talk about, which we did, and now, we're all fine again and I am very glad about that. 

Second, these compulsions things. It's been variable throughout the year, to be honest. For as far as I remember, it was at a medium level at the beginning of the year, when later it got worse and worse and I never felt that bad in a really long time. Around my exams, it was almost unbearable, especially when there was a big problem with the exams later and there was a risk that I had to do them all over again. Of course, I thought it was my fault and I didn't dare to move an inch. It was horrible. But in the end, everything was okay, and as soon as summer holiday began, it got a bit better. I had a good period around september/october, when later it got worse again, but not as bad as it was before. Now, I am kinda good and I can live with it at the moment. 

And the last thing is something I do not want to talk about :)

This was also the year of pushing boundaries, in a good way, but also in a bad way. But let's not talk about that too much!

That was about my biggest things in the last year. Let's hope this coming year will be better than last year. Hope you all had a good year too :)