It has again been proved that I can't trust anyone

Every time I think I should give someone a change, because I think they can be trusted, they prove me wrong. It happens every damn time. Every time I think someone is trustworthy, they show me that I should not have been such a fool. People are trustworthy, no one is. Not your friend, not your best friend... not even your own family.

I guess they didn't meant to betray my trust in them, but they sure did it, again. But it becomes harder and harder every time to trust someone.

I'm not even sure if it's safe to post this message.

Hey there! Guess who is back? Yup, it's me again. Normally I rarely post new blog posts, like one a month, and now I write two of them in one night (not on the same day though, it is already a quarter to two in the Netherlands). But why am I writing this, you might asks?

Well, first of all, I went to a party of a friend of mine tonight which was great (obviously, because parties with my friends are always great) even though I didn't want to go at first. I really didn't feel good enough to go and I thought people didn't even want me to come either. But that wasn't true actually. And that is what I want to write about (people are using fireworks nearby and it is scaring me) right now.

I really need to stop being so insecure and I really should do something about the fact that I hate myself. I am not that bad actually. But I just feel really bad about myself. Look, the problem I'm dealing with right now is that there isn't really a problem. Yeah, that's right. There is no problem. Then why do I still feel so bad most of the time? I think I'm not going to find the answer to this question real soon. Not now, I'm sure of that.
The problem is that I feel bad very often. But then again, when I think about it, I do not have 'the right' to feel bad, because there's nothing wrong with me right now. No shit is happening to me. Then I feel even worse because I feel like I should not make such a big deal about it. Then I feel even worse for feeling worse because feeling bad for no reason and that goes on and on and on and on. It's like a circle. Then I tweet about it (or post something about it on tumblr) and feel like an attention seeker. It's a bit complicated.
But the thing is, because I'm feeling like this and I tweet about it, I'm afraid people will become tired of me and stop talking to me. This kind of already happened to me, twice now. That is one of the last things I want to happen. So I'm trying to change. I want to solve this problem. I want to know why I randomly feel so bad (about myself) so that I can do something about it. But that's a hard tasks I think.

Alright, one thing I can do at least is starting to do yoga. A friend sent me a link to a website where they offer a good yoga program and I really should try it out. The other thing I can do is, whenever I feel sort of good about myself, I have to write down why and make a list with good things about myself. And the last thing I should do more often is going out with friends, especially with Susan, because going out just makes me feel good and then I see that there are people put there who care about me and that I should not be afraid that people talk about me behind my back.

Yeah, so, that's something I've wanted to write for a while now, but because I'm tipsy I can actually be honest with you and with myself. So, sleeping now would be a good idea! Good night!

Ps. Note to self: dammit, blog more often. I see how good it works!

Change

Things are about to change, and with things, I mean me. I have to change. And everyone will probably tell me to be myself and all that kind of thing, but I'm just going to be a better version of myself. I have to stop giving my opinion in public. On Twitter, for instance, I can't tell anything with my opinion involved or hell breaks loose. I also have to stop being honest about how I feel, because I felt not so good for a few weeks now, and I don't have the right to feel like this, so I have to stop feeling this and just act happy because that's how I'm supposed to feel.

Why? Because friends are leaving me because of my ridiculous behaviour and I do not want to let that happen. So, how am I going to do it? I don't know yet. I can just stop acting like a whinny bitch right now. I also made a new, personal Tumblr blog where I only post my thought, feelings and opinions, so there's at least one place where I can say anything I want without being afraid of hurting people. I should also do things like yoga, because that might help me finding rest.

So, that's all. I should blog more often.

I'm sorry for being gone for such a long time, but I really didn't feel like blogging. And I still don't feel like it. I just can't make myself sit and write. I don't even try. This post is just to let you know I'm not quitting blogging or something. And maybe it's time for a little update.

Well, what can I say? This week has been very weird. It's not good, it's the worst actually, except for Wednesday. Monday was a long day on school. I had to stay one hour longer to work on some project that's very important to the fact if I will pass my final exams. It wasn't very enjoying, except that I was with one of my friends and I really like doing stuff with her, so that softened it a big. Tuesday really just sucked. I went to a building where I got to listen to presentations about the climate change and what it has to do with Europe and how I can stop it. I listened to, I think, six presentations all telling the same boring shit. I got home around a quarter to five.
Wednesday was pretty cool because I took a day off, I didn't go to school. Instead I went to Leiden; the city where I was born and where I lived until I was ten years old. October 3th is always a very special day in Leiden. It has to do with the history of the city, which I'm not going to explain. But it was awesome! I really felt great when I was there. Just because of the fact that I was there. I moved house almost seven years ago and I wanted to go back since I got here. I don't feel like this is my home. I want to move back to Leiden. So I felt great while being there. I did many things I enjoyed and I ate hodgepodge (I didn't know the word in English and this is what Google Translate told me). I eventually went home and I really enjoyed the day. I hope that I will go to Leiden more often, because I feel like I'm living abroad, while I didn't want to leave my own country.
That evening, when I lie in bed, I kind of caused a fight on Twitter, where one boy particularly was using the situation to seek for attention by overly tweeting that he was going to hurt himself, and how he did it, and after a few minutes he even said that 'that didn't hurt enough' and he was asking us for something that was more hurtful. Really? Like, really really? He was just acting like he's a selfharmer, using that to seek for attention, because I know that guy and he doesn't. He just tells a lot of stories about his mental condition, and they are all lies. Saying he used antidepressants, without going to a psychologist and that kind of things. There is probably something wrong with him, but he's just labelling himself with all kinds of mental disorders, and I can't stand that.
Yesterday also pretty much sucked, because I went to school from 8.30 until 14.30 and then right after that went to the Hague with school and did a workshop, which was boring. It started at 16.00 and we weren't  finished around half past past five. Then we went to a Italian restaurant to eat with all the kids, and I enjoyed it, but after it we went back to the theatre to see a kind of musical (but it was High Art, not like a normal musical). My mother was also allowed to come, but school told us the wrong address. My mum eventually couldn't come, because simply she didn't know where to go. I felt awful the whole play and it was weird and I really didn't like it. Then when my mum came to pick me up, my teacher started talking to my mother, she didn't appologize for what happened, and when my mum became angry, my teacher basically told it was my fault.

Well, you can understand why I'm angry.

I'm sorry for this whinny post. A better update will come later.

Crazy hair!

I was thinking about a new way to colour my hair, as soon as the blue dye is empty. And I got a good idea now! I thought about something yesterday evening, but I eventually changed my mind and I now know something and it's pretty cool. I saw this on the internet. I made a picture of myself and tried to photoshop the colours into my hair, but I am very bad with Photoshop, so the picture doesn't look very good. But I think you get to see what I mean.

I also kind of sorted out which dye I want to use for this. For the purple part, I am, probably, going to buy Purple Haze from Manic Panic. I think it is a really nice colour, and this is what it looks like on other people.

I think the colour is very warm and it looks cute on the last girl. Hopefully it will look good on me!

For the red part, I am giving Wildfire from Manic Panic a second chance. I have dyed my hair with Wildfire before and it didn't work out the way it should have. But I bleached my hair and let the dye in for half an hour and washed my hair with warm water. That is probably why it didn't do its job. Now I'm going to use this colour again, but I am NOT going to bleach my hair and I will let the dye in for five hours, or something, because I did that with the blue dye, and it looks great.
Washing my hair with cold water also worked pretty well to maintain the colour.

This is what the red was supposed to look like.

What do you think?